Punday 8/19

The Secret Really is the Support

Thank you everyone who stopped by yesterday for my SITS day! It was so amazing to wake up last night (yes night, I'm secretly a vampire. If you tell anyone I'll have to bite you.) and see all the supportive comments. I said yesterday that I wish this had come at a better time, but now I realize this was the better time. This is when I needed the support. It was very helpful to hear from everyone that a) it's okay to be negative when you're having a sucky time, b) they'll be thinking about me and praying for things to get better, and c) things will get better in time. It was all very uplifting and at least for today some of the emotional fog has lifted.

I'm also very thankful that I was able to create awareness about embryo donation. This is such an amazing option and I hope one day it will be as well known as IUI or IVF with your own embryos. On one hand I was saddened by how many people commented that they had never heard of this option, but on the other glad that now they have. I hope that through being featured some struggling couple will learn of the family building option that is perfect for them.

ETA: On my facebook page I try and post about any infertility, PCOS, Endo, etc news I find interesting or informative. However sometimes I just forget to even look at the news. I was thinking about starting to do a news recap here on Fridays which would encourage me to actually look on a regular basis rather than just when I remember. Would that be something you'd be interested in reading?

It's my SITS Day!!

Hello everyone visiting from The SITS Girls! For my regular readers who aren't aware, "The SITS Girls was founded in 2008, its objective was simple: To create a space where bloggers could find their tribe and grow their audience. Although the site has evolved over the years, its commitment to this mission has not changed." Today it is a network of over 40,000 members and each day they feature a different one. Well, today is my SITS Day!

While I'm happy to be featured, I do wish it was happening at a better time when I was feeling better both physically and emotionally. So apologies for seeming like a total Negative Nancy in my recent posts. I do try to outweigh the negativity with awesome cringe worthy puns for Punday each Monday, so please do take a look at that!

Also a little shameless self-promotion: I make awareness ribbon paracord bracelets (and a few other styles as well) for infertility, infant loss, miscarriage, PCOS, endometriosis and other causes using the same colors. All money earned is being saved to go toward building our family, hopefully through embryo adoption/donation. If that sounds like something you would be interested in, please take a look at my Etsy Shop.

Now here's a picture of our dog Scotty with a bandana on his head like a peasant woman.

I don't have a good title for this

Thank you everyone for the supportive comments on my last (not Punday) post. Mentally I am feeling better than I was then. Well I don't know if better is really the right word, maybe more apathetic about the whole thing. I don't have the energy to care right now. I've stepped away from the TTC/Infertility forums and reading your TTC/Infertility/Pregnancy blogs and pretty much everything else TTC/Infertility related. Overall I feel like I'm being a bad blogger and a bad bloggy friend but like I said, I just don't have the energy to care right now.

I went to the neurologist today about my ongoing neck/shoulder pain. I've been taking the new not expired muscle relaxer and it's definitely been helping some but things aren't getting better. He said my shoulder was very tight. I need to get a CT scan done and he gave me more muscle relaxers, more pain medication, and five days of steroids for the meantime. My pulse was high. It was also high when I went to the GP about the fatigue a few weeks ago. No idea what that's about. I'm still feeling tired all the time but I figure we can't tackle that till we get the neck/shoulder thing figured out. Also my left knee responded more dramatically to the reflex test than it should have. I have no idea if that's related to what's going on (it's the same side the pain is on) or even a potential problem. Follow up appointment in two weeks but I'm not sure which day yet. They are going to call me tomorrow to tell me when and where to get the CT done and I'm assuming they will make my follow up appointment then.

Punday 8/12

Broken

I meant to write this post yesterday since I normally update on Wednesdays but I decided to procrastinate and watch TV instead. It's just really hard. I spent a long time trying to find an appropriate image for this post but they were all so depressing. So I went with a broken Weeping Angel falling down the stairs to add a bit of lightness I guess. I'd say if I wasn't depressed before I probably am now.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my health and how it has and will impact my life. Things just keep getting worse, not better. When one thing is looking up I just develop another problem. Is that what I have to live with the rest of my life? Probably.

Maybe it's true what they say and everything does happen for a reason. Maybe that's why I'm not a mom. Maybe I shouldn't be a mom. Maybe I can't.

If we had started using MA 4 years ago when I was 30 pounds lighter and my endo wasn't so bad, we might have been luckier. I probably would have still needed my lap in 2011. Whatever triggered my pleurisy/costochondritis/whatever-it-is chest pain probably would have still happened. But then I'd be dealing with that pain and the trouble of finding a doctor to treat me and the ER visits and the being accused of a drug addict with a one year old. How could I have taken care of my child? If whatever's happening now with my neck/shoulder is something I'm genetically predisposed to it might have still happened as well. Maybe the fatigue too. You don't have the option to sleep all day and not clean, cook, do laundry because you're so sleepy and it's so painful when you have a toddler. Or a one month old if my pregnancy had lasted.

Things are so bad now and I'm only 25 years old! Your body just breaks down even more more as you get older. How am I going to be able to take care of my child? How could I possibly be the mother my children deserve? Is bringing a child into this world in my condition really a good idea? Being a mom is the only goal that's remained constant since I was a child. It's hard to picture a future where that just doesn't happen. Maybe I need to realize that it like so many other dreams are just not going to happen because of the hand I've been dealt. Maybe deciding to not fight anymore, to not have children I can't take care of, makes me a good mom? The rest of my body is broken, my heart might as well be too.