I know I haven't posted for a while. I actually thought about making a post explaining why a few days ago but then my colitis relapsed. This I felt was worth dusting off the blog for though. As someone who struggles with depression, and has gotten far closer to the point of suicide than anyone would want to be, Matt Walsh's post made me cry (and not in a good way). He truly doesn't get it. I'm glad he doesn't get it, but it still hurts.
I do believe that suicide is a choice. It is a selfish choice. At one point I wanted to die. I didn't want to kill myself, but I wished one of my illnesses would be fatal so that there would be an end. I knew what that would do to my family. In fact I believe thinking about that is what kept me in the wishful thinking phase rather than truly becoming suicidal because I couldn't do that to them. But at some point that changes. At some point it gets so bad you truly cannot bear it. The only thing that matters is that it ends. It is a selfish choice but one I can't judge, because the pain it causes their friends and family is no where near the pain of continuing to live. In the rare case it is, those friends and family make the same choice.
I don't know if joy and hope are the cure to depression. I think it's more likely that joy and hope are a side effect of the cure. Either way, when you are in the throes of depression you cannot hope. You cannot have joy. You can't and that's not your fault. I remember my own mother telling me I must continue to have hope, and feeling even worse because I couldn't. It's not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. You can't go down to Walgreens and pick up a bottle of hope and a tube of joy to apply three times a day. But you know what is a cure for depression? Death. And sometimes to the person suffering any cure is better than no cure. I cannot fault them for that.
Here is a good article that made me feel better after reading both of Matt Walsh's blog posts. What did I find helpful? Having hope for me rather than expecting me to hope myself. Letting me know you believed one day I would feel better even if I could not believe it myself. Being there for me, letting me know I wasn't a burden, that you would continue to love me even if I never got better. But mostly it was antidepressants and actually seeing improvements in my health. If I was still so ill I couldn't do anything but lay in bed in agony I don't think all the support and love in the world would have mattered.
ETA: I want to clarify that since I don't know everyone's thoughts who walk this path, I cannot say it is always selfish. I am sure there are some people who believe they need to do this for a reason other than their own self interest. I am also using selfish to mean "concerned with one's own desire or well-being" in a morally neutral way, rather than a purely negative one. Being selfish is natural, and human, and okay. Also there are some instances where it may not be a choice, such as some drug overdoses or being in a mental state where you truly don't know what you're doing. I personally do not consider those suicides even though they may be classified as such.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Around June 10th I got a migraine. I get them every once in a while so it wasn't surprising. I took my rescue medication and waited for it to pass. Unfortunately, it didn't. I can't remember if it started on Monday or Tuesday, but by Friday I knew something was wrong. Migraines are normally only one day affairs for me, and on occasions where they last two days it's because I failed to take my rescue medication quickly enough. So I called the doctor and got an appointment for Monday, June 16th.
The doctor wasn't sure why it had lasted that long but didn't seem that concerned. She gave me a shot in my hip and some new, stronger rescue medication. I got some lunch and then took a nap as the different meds had made me tired.
This is the part where things start to get a little TMI, so consider this your warning.
I woke up later in gastrointestinal distress you might say. My first thought was actually food poisoning. Then I started noticing blood. I checked the information on my new rescue medication and bloody diarrhea was listed under CALL A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY so that's what I did. I was then told to go to the ER.
At the ER I gave a bunch of blood, a sample, and was hooked up to an IV for fluids. Later I had a CT scan. Results came in and my white blood count was crazy high. They decided to admit me and started me on IV antibiotics. I had all the symptoms of something called c diff but I was missing a distinctive smell.
They decided I needed a colonoscopy, but not in time to do it Tuesday morning so I had to wait till Wednesday. I was on IV antibiotics all that day and a liquid diet. The blood stopped at some point on Tuesday but I was still having problems. I don't even want to go into the torture that was consuming the liquid for the bowel prep. I almost wasn't able to do it and I still have Viet Nam flashbacks about it as my mom would say.
Wednesday I had the colonoscopy and they were going to release me but I still couldn't eat anything without rushing to the bathroom. My migraine also returned and has remained off and on since. The doctor was confused. I definitely had some kind of colitis and an infection but cultures say no c diff. Could be some other infection causing the colitis or could be Crohn's, "we'll know if I get better." Thursday I was able to eat a little without rushing to the bathroom immediately so they let me go home that afternoon. I started a GI soft/bland, dairy free diet and was given a week's worth of two different antibiotics. That was the 19th.
I've finished the antibiotics now but I'm not any better than when I left the hospital. Any attempt to eat "real" food has seen a return of urgency and pain. Even eating permitted foods makes me uncomfortable. I'm worried. Either my infection hasn't gone away completely, which means it is now making a come back, or the infection was only part of the problem. My follow up appointment isn't until the 7th. I just want to be better.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
I remember when we were actively TTC and the superstitions we had or heard of. Wearing white underwear or taking a pregnancy test is a sure fire way to get AF. Standing on your head after you BD helps the boys swim. Buying baby or maternity items is bad luck. Sacrificing kittens to the fertility goddess is good luck. Okay, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea.
In the end I don't actually believe. When things seem to be true it's just confirmation bias. But at times like this I still find myself having little "I should have known!" moments. What about you? Are you truly superstitious, just play along for fun, or think all of it's dumb?
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
I really don't have anything against my niece. I'm sure she's a sweet and wonderful person. It's her parents I have a problem with and until she becomes a teenager they are kind of a package deal. I can't have any sort of meaningful relationship with her without also inviting them into my life. Becoming emotionally attached to her is going to cause problems for me that I can't deal with right now. I am still feeling very fragile. Being chronically ill is hard on my mind, not just my body. I don't feel as depressed as I was but I'm in no way emotionally stable. It doesn't help that our baby's due date is coming up. Right now she is this abstract idea and I'm scared that if I go and spend time with her (not just seeing her at an event) I'm going to worry about her in a way I can't handle.
I've thought a lot about writing her letters. I don't want her to think her aunt hates her. I don't want her to think she's the problem. I know that is a distinct possibility even if it couldn't be farther from the truth. So I thought maybe I could write her a letter explaining why I've distanced myself. These are my thoughts and feelings on the day you were born. This is why I couldn't come to your birthday party. This is why I didn't want you and your mom moving in with us that weekend your dad kicked you out of the house again. And then when she's older I could give them to her and maybe she'll understand but maybe she won't. I don't know. Is that dumb?