My New Diagnosis

I had my yearly physical on Thursday and there were a couple problems. I haven't been taking my supplements the past few months like I'm supposed to so I got a wrist slap for that. When you are taking six-seven medications a day, some of them more than once, it's easy to say I don't want to take any more pills so I'm going to stop these. They can't be as important since they aren't a prescription, right? Wrong. They are important they just won't do as much damage if you take them when you don't need them or something so they are available over the counter. One of them she said if my blood work doesn't improve in six months I'm going to have to go on a prescription so just take the supplement already. I got a pill reminder box so when I go to take my meds at night they are already there and I can't convince myself not to take them or conveniently forget.

The big news though is my thyroid. My TSH levels are 11.75 when normal range is 0.04 - 4.50. They have always been normal before but I think they may have been on the higher end of normal last year. What caused such a big jump? We don't know. After doing some research I may have developed Hashimoto's which is an autoimmune disease. Basically your immune system attacks your thyroid preventing it from doing what it's supposed to. I already have an autoimmune disease and if you have one there's a good chance you will have or get another. So I have to go on another prescription for that (which you have to take on an empty stomach at least 30 minutes before breakfast).

The worst part about this is how it affects TTC. We were hoping to do a donated embryo transfer around June after my lupron shot wore off. That has now been officially canceled. Hypothyroidism can cause the FET to fail or a lot of bad things to happen if it's successful. Miscarriage, pre-e, stillbirth, heart failure, anemia, low birth weight, or brain and nervous system birth defects. You can have a healthy pregnancy but you have to be very on top of it and have your levels checked every 6 weeks. Due to my other health problems I'd probably already be high risk and this just adds to it.

At the very least we have to wait until my levels are checked again at the end of May. If they come back normal I'll be cleared and we can start making arrangements for a cycle which would take another couple months. If they don't come back normal we'll adjust my meds and wait a few more months and check again. Going by my health history this is what I'm predicting will happen. Even if I'm cleared in May I'm not sure I feel comfortable moving forward with this being such a big deal. I think I would feel more comfortable having at least two normal blood tests under my belt so I know it's not a fluke and has leveled out. So now I'm thinking late fall/early winter transfer at the very earliest, if nothing else happens to push it back. We've had a couple quiet hurricane seasons so who knows we could take a direct hit or something.

The good news (if there is such a thing) is a lot of the problems I've been having lately could be because of this. Fatigue, joint and muscle pain, depression, weakness, weight gain, sensitivity to cold (seriously I'm normally always hot but the last few months I've been super cold! I'm bundled up in my Tardis blanket right now!), thinning eyebrows (weird symptom but Josh says I have that), paleness (Josh says my paleness is unrelated lol), memory problems and having trouble thinking, dry skin, constipation, all sorts of lovely things. I could start feeling better in as little as three weeks which is a lot better than the three months I thought it would be with lupron. Of course it could take like a year but hopefully it doesn't.

It really sucks having another diagnosis, another health problem, another medication. I've already been having a bad week partly due to the symptoms above and some personal problems so my mental health has definitely suffered. I just feel so terrible, you know? But I'm glad I know now so we can at least start treating it.

I Wear Yellow For Me

I bleached my hair! You might remember in the fall I got my hair cut and the stylists said they wouldn't even try to get the red out of my hair. Well I decided to try it myself, and they were right lol. I bleached it twice and the bottom where it was the reddest and has been red the longest is still a strawberry blonde (a little lighter than the picture shows). I decided to go ahead and do it now for a few reasons. First it's endometriosis awareness month so no better time to have blonde hair, right? Second I'm on some super strong pain meds so now is when my neck arthritis would hurt the least. It still bothered my neck and shoulder obviously, but not nearly as much as when I tried to color is myself 6ish weeks after getting it cut. I got some purple I'm going to do one last time in a few weeks and once that fades I'll be going back to brown.

I have that dress in the picture which is kind of yellowy tan, some yellow skinny jeans, and a black and yellow floral shirt I've been wearing plus yellow nail polish. I did have someone ask about all the yellow recently but it was my little sister lol. She already knows I have endo so not much awareness raised there. It's hard to raise awareness though when you never leave the house! I also made myself this bracelet which has yellow for endo, teal for PCOS, and pink & blue for infertility/miscarriage. I am trying to wear it everyday this month. So far I've only taken it off to shower so I won't have as many opportunities to forget to put it back on!

I saw my therapist on Monday and we talked a bit about how my plans never seem to work out. I've been feeling like there is no point trying to plan anything if it's just going to not happen anyway. I've been feeling especially bad about always cancelling when we have plans to go see my friend who lives two hours away. My mom was asking me when I'd like to reschedule our visit for and I told her what's the point I'll just have to cancel again. I wish we could just spontaneously go one day when I'm feeling pretty good but it's just not possible. If I'm feeling okay either her, her husband, my husband, or my mom are busy. Talking about it helped though because she pointed out I'm probably hardest on myself. My friend probably isn't as frustrated and angry with me over it as I picture in my mind. She understands. But it's still hard.

My next lupron shot is supposed to be anytime now but they haven't called me about it yet. They said they'll call me whenever it comes in instead of me making an appointment. Tomorrow is my birthday and I was hoping it wouldn't be until after that. I don't know if the side effects will increase again and that would be a terrible way to spend my birthday. So that prayer seems to have been answered at least!

The Spoonie Olympics

I'm sure everyone knows that the Olympics are taking place right now. I feel like I'm competing in the Olympics myself, only instead of a gold medal doing well means surviving until the finish line.

For those not aware, people who have chronic (often invisible) conditions are called spoonies in reference to the Spoon Theory. The basic idea is that everyone has a certain number of spoons. Every action you take uses up a spoon, until you have none left and are stuck in bed unable to do anything. Healthy people usually have enough spoons to not worry about it, but sick people have a severe lack of spoons and have to use each one wisley.

February is always a busy month around here. I wrote in my last post about attempting to start being more active by using my peddle exerciser and learning I wasn't up to that yet. This was the beginning of a chain reaction and an even bigger mistake than I thought because I had no time to recover. That was on a Tuesday. Thursday I had a therapy appointment that took a lot out of me. I had to come home and take a four hour nap and didn't get out of bed much the rest of the day or Friday.

Saturday was Little Sister's birthday and birthday party. Thankfully her birthday fell on a Saturday so we didn't need to celebrate twice. I have mentioned being anxious about this but overall it went better than expected. I'm not sure everyone realizes, but those with chronic conditions learn how to fake it. There were moments when the facade came down and I grimaced and such, there were times when I took a moment to myself, but I don't like calling attention to my illness and I think I was successful. My friend J's son was there and he wanted to go play Candy Land in a back room right at the time I needed to get away which was perfect. My friend R and I worked out a hand signal in case I needed to leave but we ended up not needing it. I had to bring out the big guns pain med wise but I have been saving the few I have left for situations such as these. There were enough people there that I spent very little time around my older sister or her DuH so that worked out great. Afterwards I slept for over 14 hours and am still recovering.

Today is my husband's birthday. We are going out to dinner tomorrow as he has a late meeting today, but not to anywhere fancy. Friday is of course Valentine's Day. I don't think we are planning to go out anywhere but I got us subscriptions to Star Wars: The Old Republic and I know he will want to play together as much as I am able. We have played a bit together already and I can tell my reaction times are suffering. As a healer that can be a bit problematic and stressful, but he understands and isn't angry when he dies. I think I'm harder on myself in that regard.

A week from today is my friend J's birthday. They live about two hours away so we plan to meet halfway on Sunday and go to dinner at McGuire's which is one of our favorite places. Traveling is hard for me so I expect I'll need a lot of time to recover from that. R's birthday is the 26th and normally I'd like to get together and do something but I know she won't expect me to if I can't. My BIL's birthday is around there too but I refuse to celebrate it anyway.

I also have three doctor appointments, one on the 18th, one of the 25th, and one on the 3rd. I need to call and reschedule one I had to miss so that could be four doctor appointments depending on when they can get me in. My second Lupron shot should be around the beginning of March as well but I don't have an appointment, they are just going to call when it comes in. My birthday is the 6th and I have no idea what we are going to do for it. Possibly nothing more than cake at home if I'm not well enough to do anything else.

Thankfully that's it for a while. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so after all I've been through I should be strong enough to get through everything. My goal is to not be completely bedridden again by the end of it, but I think it's definitely a possibility. We will see if I have enough spoons for this. Funnily enough, our dog Dobby found a plastic spoon and was attempting to eat it while I was writing. No spoons for you, I need all the ones I can get!

Two Month Anniversary

Yesterday marked two months since my lupron shot! Hopefully this means the worst is behind us now. I get my second shot next month, I think right around my birthday (the 6th), and I'm hoping it won't be a repeat of my first month this time around. It's already in my system and the baby maker has been shut down so I shouldn't have to go through that awful transition phase, right? Lord I hope so.

As I mentioned in my punday post things are ever so slowly starting to improve. I finally stopped bleeding at the end of January which was a huge relief. Since then I've noticed a slight improvement in pain. I'm having less moments where no matter what I feel like I'm going to die (or hope that I would already). I've spaced out my prescription pain meds a bit but still need 800mg ibuprofen on top of that. I'm halfway through a book which is awesome because before I felt so terrible all the time I couldn't concentrate on reading. I've sat out the last few From Left to Write books but finger's crossed I can sign up for the one in April.

Little Sister's 15th birthday party is on Saturday and I am a bit worried about that. Anytime I come out of sloth mode I pay for it later. Yesterday I decided to use my pedal exerciser for two sets of 15 minutes at a very relaxed pace and can tell it's definitely taken a toll today. I'm quite introverted so being around people can be exhausting all by itself, never mind doing stuff. I've finally gained some ground and I'm afraid of backsliding. Also as I mentioned before Older Sister will be there and I'm not looking forward to that. Josh's birthday is three days later but I think we're just going to go to dinner so it shouldn't be too bad.

My newly pregnant friend that I wrote about before is still doing well. They officially have a heartbeat! I'm still excited for them and not feeling jealous. This is the best I've taken a pregnancy in years, actually. I hope they are able to come to the party but I also hope I don't accidently let the cat out of the bag since they haven't announced yet!

If you've visited the blog recently you may have noticed something is wrong with my blog design. There is some kind of bug with the template and it won't let me fix it. I'll basically have to start over and put a new generic template on the blog and then edit it to a new design. I'm not sure when I'll feel up to doing it but this is just a heads up in case you visit and it looks funky lol. I think I'm going to change it from blue and pink for babies to orange since that goes with my blog name.

Good news for once!

I recently found out one of my very good friends is pregnant. Normally this would be bittersweet at best and soul crushing at worse, but not this time. I'm beyond happy for her (and her DH), and that's it. When she told me I didn't have any of those normal "I wish it was me" feelings. It put a smile on my face for the first time in well, a while. But I was also scared, and still am a little. Unfortunately their journey has included a few losses and I would be heartbroken if that happened again. If I would be heartbroken, if I already feel like I love this baby, how much worse it would be for them is unfathomable. But so far everything is good. HCG is rising appropriately and they should get their first ultrasound in a few days.

While I am still extremely happy for them, I am beginning to feel a bit off. Like it's wrong for me to be so excited for them when I feel so negative about my sister's pregnancy. My little sister's birthday is coming up and I know she will be there and I'm dreading it. The last time I saw her she wasn't even showing yet and it was a bad experience all around. I'm actually kind of grateful my endo hasn't improved yet so I can use that to get away for a bit if I need to.

On the other hand, I feel a renewed desire to get pregnant myself. That desire is such a double edged sword, as with it comes hope that is so easily crushed. I found myself looking up information on the embryo adoption program we planned to go through last year for the first time in months. Checking to see if the prices were still the same, if there was a longer wait time, stuff like that. I questioned whether I should call them and see if there was anything we can do now. I come off lupron in May, maybe if we started now we could transfer soon after! But then I had a reality check and realized I was definitely jumping the gun. I don't even know if this will work, and I can't try again until my endo gets better. I just want my baby to grow up with my friend's baby. I wanted the same thing with my other best friend when she got pregnant and now their son is three and a half. I'm scared the same thing will happen and I'll be left behind again.

Realistically I'm still feeling all around terrible and in quite a bit of pain and haven't even been calling the people I'm supposed to call. Like the doctor to push up my appointment after being in the hospital, or more lawyers to see if someone will represent me in court. So I doubt I'm up to organizing an embryo adoption either. And I'm not sure I want to try and do that while dealing with a disability hearing anyway. So right now the plan is to wait until I can come off my pain meds and reevaluate then. Maybe I can be pregnant or at least on my way there by the time her baby shower rolls around.

Good Riddance 2013

2013 sucked. As did 2012, and 2011. 2009/10 were decent, either because not too much bad happened or there was enough good to even out the bad. All I dare hope is for 2014 to be more like that. They say what goes up must come down. Do you think the opposite could be true? That what goes down must come up? Like a bouncy ball let go to drop on the floor and then bounce back into your waiting palm. Then for Heaven sakes put the ball away! I don't need to be up, I just need to be level. Not down. Is that too much to ask?

I think the worst may be over when it comes to lupron side effects. I still have hot flashes, joint pain, mood swings, etc but my pelvic pain has eased somewhat. It's not better, it may not even be getting better yet, but the extra pain caused by the lupron has passed. I can get out of bed so that's an improvement. I'm seeing more chest pain flares though which sucks. Two steps forward, one step back.

My depression is getting worse. My mother has nicknamed me Killer of Dreams. I had an initial appointment with a health and family counseling group earlier this month. I saw a psychiatrist on Christmas Eve and had a terrible experience. He was very dismissive of my problems. I'm on a low dose antidepressant already for chronic pain so he just doubled it to the lowest dose used to treat depression. Of course it makes me so tired I'll sleep for 17 hours after taking it. I've just been taking the new amount every other day and hoping my body gets used to it soon.

I have an appointment with a therapist on the eighth so I'm hoping that goes better. There are so many things bothering me right now I don't even know where to start. If I have another negative experience I've already had someone else recommended.

My disability appeal is due soon and I still don't have a lawyer. I've pretty much been on bed rest the last month and haven't felt up to calling around to the other lawyers. Even if I can get out of bed now I still don't have the energy to explain everything and try to persuade them to take my case. I'll probably end up just filing myself (or getting Josh to do it). With or without a lawyer I'll probably get denied again. A larger percentage of cases are denied at first appeal than even initial application. Gotta weed out those not super serious, I guess. Persistence seems to be the key.

I hope all of you are doing well. Congrats to anyone who has gotten a BFP lately! Hugs for those who haven't. Wishing everyone a happier 2014.

My new normal?

Yesterday I got out of bed one time. I've started keeping some pain meds on my bedside bookshelf and by the couch because I'm always at one or the other. Yesterday I ran out by the bed so I had to get up and get some more. I took that opportunity to use the restroom and microwave some mac and cheese. Yes, I only used the restroom once yesterday. This is bad for two reasons: 1. I'm probably dehydrated and not drinking enough and 2. I think you can get a kidney infection that way. I meant to get up again to take a shower but never felt up to it. Taking a shower is now an arduous task. How sad is that?

My mother's birthday is next week. All she ever wants is to go out to dinner with her family. We don't have many traditions but this one is very important to her. It's already not ideal because I refuse to spend time with my sister's terrible husband (or her if like our last encounter she insists on complaining about her pregnancy the whole time). I hope things start improving fast or I find someway to do this for my mother.

Lupron Sucks

Exactly one week ago I got my first lupron shot. Things have been rather terrible since. It's a horrible drug that better help me or I might have a mental breakdown. I knew the pain would increase but I didn't realize how much. The side effects are awful. I can't do much other than lay in bed or on the couch. I'm typing this on my phone because I can't even sit at the computer. It just sucks.