Cycle 10 CD21 (5DPO) - We did it!

I searched forever for a Dora "we did it" gif and could not find one. =[ So this jpeg of her high-fiving Boots will just have to do.

Anyway, as you can see by the blog title my ovaries managed not only to ovulate, but do it three days early! Yeah! Normally I would have just ovulated but this cycle I'm already halfway to testing time. Hopefully implantation will be in the next few days. Last time I felt some weird twinges at 7dpo which I'm guessing was around implantation so I know I'm going to be looking for that again. Would it be weird if my new year's resolution was to give birth?

I've had some new symptoms this TWW that I'm not sure are good or bad. I had a migraine yesterday that finally went away overnight, but then showed back up tonight about two hours ago. It's common for me to have a migraine a few times a month but I've never had one after O. Look at me acting like I'm an LP pro when my sample size is 3. =D I guess it's still to early in my TWW career to know if this is "normal" for me. Along with that I've also had extremely sore nipples since 2dpo. I've gotten breast tenderness before but this is new.

I've noticed something about my temps. The green line is the first time I ovulated since February. My starting pre-o temps were about as high as my post-O temps. Then the purple line was the third month I O'd (total), which directly followed the green month. Those pre-O temps were much lower in relation to my post-O temps. Only one of them was over the coverline. The blue line is this cycle. As you can see, it follows the same pattern as the green line. Both of those cycles followed an anovulatory one where I had to take provera to induce AF. So it seems following an anov cycle my pre-O temps are high. I of course hope that this is my last cycle for a long time, but I am interested to see what my temps would be like next cycle. My guess is they would be closer to the purple line. 

As I think I've mentioned before, along with my womanly issues I also have chronic chest pain. I was on a medication to help that but for reasons I won't go into I couldn't get a refill for a few months. Well I just started taking it again which is awesome. The pain gets worse when I do any physical activity, but it's not so bad when I'm on this medication. I can still only do light exercise for about 15 minutes, but hey it's something. I just got a yoga mat (before I was using a folded up blanket lol) and my little sister got Just Dance 4 and is begging me to play it with her. I really want to play with her and start yoga back but I'm scared to being in the TWW and all. I wasn't so worried Christmas Eve/Christmas but now that I'm in the potential implantation zone I'm a bit paranoid. I've heard so many conflicting things. Maybe I'll forgo the Just Dance and only do yoga poses that don't target your abs. 

We watched The Happening a few days ago. Sorry if this is a spoiler but at the end the female lead takes a pregnancy test. I thought it was pretty funny because when they showed it the test line was EXACTLY the same as the control line. I've seen a lot of pregnancy tests in the 14 months we've been TTC and it's pretty rare for them to be exactly the same in my experience. Usually if it's before AF is due the test line is lighter. If she had waited until AF was several days late (like they weren't TTC and just got worried) it probably would have been darker than the control, unless she has a short LP. I mean I know people who had tests darker than the control at 16dpo! So anyway I just thought that was funny. I probably wouldn't have noticed if we hadn't been TTC so long.

Yeah, I don't believe it either. 

Just think, next time I write a blog post I might know if we were successful or not! AF isn't do until next Friday but I'm going to start testing on Monday. 

Cycle 10 CD8 - So sleepy!

This week has been terrible! Absolutely terrible. I'm still feeling positive about the cycle over all, but remaining that way would be a lot easier of I got to sleep.

It started of with possibly the worst cramps of my life. I couldn't do anything. I get prescription pain medication for my cramps since they are bad all the time, but this was a whole different level. I took twice as much as normal plus some OTC stuff and I still couldn't function. It was horrible. I'm really hoping that was a one time thing and they won't be that bad all the time now. Well really I hope I don't get anymore AF cramps  for like a year anyway. 

Once I started the Clomid I had to deal with those side effects too. Mostly that's been hot flashes and nausea, the mood swings haven't been so bad yet. The combination of those two is what's keeping me from sleeping. My nausea is worse when I lay down so obviously that's a problem. I can't lay down unless I know I'm going to fall asleep quickly or I will just have to sit back up. So I have to push myself to the edge of exhaustion.

Then the hot flashes keep me from sleeping well once I do fall asleep. Here's the thing about hot flashes, you don't go from normal to hot to normal again. When you're in the middle of it you start to sweat. Sweat's purpose is to cool your body off when it evaporates. So when it's over you are all sweaty and it's fairly cool in the house, so you get cold. It's kind of a nippy cold, you know like a sharp cold. So you cycle through comfortable, hot, cold, comfortable and can do that a few times an hour. Covers on, covers off, covers wrapped around you tight, over and over again. It's not fun.

When I do eventually get to sleep I end up sleeping too late in the day so I can't get anything done. If I make myself get up (like I did today) I still don't get anything done because I'm too tired. I have been needing to go get a new social security card for a while because I will need it for the cruise in January so I had planned to do that this week. I think it will be fairly simple but I don't want to wait and then find out it takes three weeks or something. But I just can't seem to get myself down there.

I just keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end. Sleep deprivation is something I'm going to have to get used to with a baby anyway, right?

Cycle 9 CD4 - Best and Worst Day of My Life

I didn't blog last week because I was really ill, and being in the middle of the TWW there wasn't much to say anyway.

This week though I have some bad news.

Thursday morning (10DPO) I tested and got a really super faint line. I kept testing all weekend and got some BFNs and some BFMs (Big Fat Maybe). Finally on Sunday morning I got what I have been waiting so long for - a clear BFP with a faint but definitely pink second line. I was so over joyed. I had some very definite pregnancy symptoms along with the same TWW symptoms from last time. Starting on Friday I developed an aversion to meat. I knew food aversions were typical but I didn't know meat specifically was common. It made deciding on dinner quite difficult but it was worth it. Sunday morning I developed a strong sense of smell. I did not expect this as I never heard of that being a symptom before. I never actually vomited but I was nauseous and did dry heave a few times. Yay the joys of morning sickness! I was too happy to complain about any of this stuff.

Unfortunately Sunday afternoon I started bleeding. It was heartbreaking seeing that first streak of blood. I started crying and told my husband who urged me to call my doctor. Since she is also a family friend I have her cell phone number so I was able to call her directly despite it being Sunday. She said some bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but I could also be miscarrying. I was to go to the office in the morning and get betas done to check my numbers. The bleeding continued throughout the night and cramping would come and go as well.

Monday was so nerve wracking. I got my betas done about 11:30am and was told if the numbers were fine I would not get a call and I was to get more done on Wednesday. If it was bad news I would receive a call by the end of business day. In case of a threatened miscarriage I just sat in the recliner with my feet up and hung out with my mom and little sister for support.

My doctor called at about 4pm to break the news.

My mother knew what it meant if I received a call so as I was talking to Dr. E she let DH know so he could come home from work. He is taking it badly but at the same time trying to be strong for me. I didn't have the heart to tell anymore else. Thankfully my mother took it upon herself to notify my older sister and a few other people without me even asking her. I am very thankful for that.

She took us out to eat at a Mongolian Barbecue place that was very good. I had a mini break down at the table though because my symptoms had started to fade. I was eating meat. My aversion had gone away.

Today I am still devastated and heart broken. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out. I know it was only with us a short time and the heart hadn't even started beating yet but it was still my child. My child that was taken from me too soon and that I will never meet. Even if I get pregnant again nothing could replace this child.

DH and I talked about it and we will be NTNP (not trying, not preventing) this cycle. I am  not allowed to take Clomid again until my first AF after the loss and that is perfectly fine by me. I would take this cycle off completely but DH wants to get back on the horse. Even though it is hard for me to consider right now I know he is right and this is what I would have wanted to do in hindsight after my grief starts to fade. So he is saving me from that regret. I am still going to temp so I will know if I ovulated or not but I won't be using OPKs or anything like that.

Cycle 7 CD26 (6DPO) - Emotional Rollercoaster

I was hesitantly hopeful when I started this cycle. Not that I would get a BFP, just that I would ovulate. My Clomid had been upped again, I was going to do better about my Metformin, and I had started taking the correct dose of DHA. After coming off of another anovulatory cycle I was trying to stay positive.

Then I started noticing fertile CM and my OPKs were getting darker. I began to really think, "This is it! Finally after 7 months I'm going to O again!". Only I didn't. The CM dried up and the OPKs went blank. I became quite depressed. I started thinking about the fact that I can only increase the Clomid two more times.  I actually started to think, "Well at least I'll only have to go through this two more cycles and then I can just get used to the fact it won't happen." It was a terrible three days.

When my CM became fertile again and my OPKS started showing lines I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought I was excited before, but this was a whole 'nother ballgame. I cried when I looked at the positive OPK. I'm sure that has something to do with the Clomid's affect on my emotions, people shouldn't cry just because they see a +OPK. I should save those tears for the +HPT! But really, to me it was just like getting a BFP. I had hope again! Even if I don't get a BFP this cycle, I now believe there's a chance I will O again next cycle. Eventually one of those O's will turn into a BFP, right? It doesn't have to be this cycle.

Now I'm getting excited about a possible +HPT. I told myself I wouldn't, I would just be happy if I O'd, but I can't help myself. I am really trying to contain it because I don't want to fall again. I haven't ovulated enough times to know my normal progesterone symptoms, so there's no way to know if what I'm feeling is normal or not. I keep thinking about how perfect it would be - to announce it for our anniversary, to be in the second trimester during our cruise, to deliver before the heat of summer. I'm honestly pretty giddy. But I need to ground myself before I regret it.

Last night I had a dream I tested this morning and it was positive. Unfortunately it was ectopic. That crushed dream me. I shouldn't really have to say this, but when I wished for a BFP that's not what I meant, okay? I want a viable pregnancy or none at all. I was so upset by it I actually did take a test this morning, and it was negative as it should be. I don't really know much about ectopic pregnancies and how they show up on tests, but I know it takes about 3 days for a fertilized egg to travel down the fallopian tubes and then after implantation it takes 2-3 days for the HCG to build up enough to get a BFP. So I feel like to get a +HPT this early it would just about have to be ectopic. I feel better now after seeing the negative test.

I'll be testing again for real either Thursday or Saturday (maybe both). AF is due on Monday so I should know either way by my next update. Finger's crossed for me, please!

Symptoms So Far

Fatigue, skin break out, nausea, bloating,