Second Angelversary and Wave of Light

Today is Jesse's second Angelversary. For a while now I've been seeing pregnancy tests in my timehop since I took the pictures with my phone. Boy is that hard, but I don't have the strength to delete them. This morning I watched my niece for a few hours and she was pretty fussy. On one hand it was distracting but on the other it just hurt. Still I think this year has been easier than the last. My husband got me some root beer and Little Debbie brownies and that has definitely helped! After my mom took my niece I took a nap and just woke up a little while ago. I plan to take it easy the rest of the night and cuddle my puppies close. I may not have cried as much as last year, but grief is still exhausting.

The 15th of course was the Wave of Light. We went to the ceremony put on by the same group as last year, only this time it was in a church instead of a park. It was nice because we could sit down, which is helpful when you are so emotional.

 I got this shirt from I Am A Mother To An Angel, they have a website but I saw it advertised on their Facebook page. It's a little big because when I ordered it they didn't have women's sizes yet just men's/unisex. The words on the pink side of the heart are from a poem called This Hole by Lacey Harris-Willoby. I love it and I plan to wear it often even when it's not October anymore. You can still buy it but only for the next six days. I also had on my awareness ribbon paracord bracelet with colors for endo and PCOS.

I was glad this year we had a name for them to call out when it was our turn to light our candle. Last year it was just "Baby Lastname". I know it probably seems weird to name your baby over a year after they died but I'm happy we did. I just wish we had decided to do it sooner!

The image I posted on the 11th about the Wave of Light I also posted in a Sims 3 forum I frequent. (The picture was taken in the Sims 3 with my simself and simhusband if you couldn't tell.) I was a bit worried about bringing in such a heavy topic but everyone was really supportive! Other angelmoms spoke about their own losses, or the losses of friends and family. Most had never heard of the event but pledged to light their own candles. I am happy I could help raise awareness for something so important to me. I kept an eye on the instagram hashtag #waveoflight and there were so many more pictures this year than last. Almost 11,000 all together! I can't wait to see how many more there will be next year.

This is off-topic but I didn't want to make a separate post just for this. I found out the blood work my doctor ordered will be almost $500. That means with the injections and sleep study that visit will have cost us $1300, $1100 more than expected. This doesn't even include my follow up visit tentatively scheduled for the first of December or any subsequent tests and medications once he gets the results of these. We simply cannot afford it so at this time I won't be getting any blood work and will probably cancel my follow up appointment. I was hoping for answers and treatment but have resigned myself to constant pain and lack of sleep. My mother set up a gofundme campaign for me but so far it hasn't raised any money. I will post about it if a miracle happens and we somehow get the money.

Wave of Light

For those that don't know, almost two years ago we lost our baby Jesse Quinn. I participated in the Wave of Light for the first time that year to support my friends, not knowing I would miscarry myself a week later. If you have lost a child you can light a candle in their memory. If you haven't you can light a candle in memory of the children lost by your friends and family.

Miscarriages are devastatingly common. Approximately 1 out of every 4 pregnancies will end this way, yet it's something we aren't supposed to talk about. You aren't even supposed to announce until the "safe zone" of the second trimester, so if you miscarry the rest of the world can stay ignorant. It is almost guaranteed that one of your friends or family have lost a child although you might not know about it. By lighting a candle you can show support and let them know "I am here for you" if they need a shoulder to cry on or a caring ear to listen.

We Remember Them

I'm lucky in that there's a group here who organizes events for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On Saturday they had a Walk to Remember with a remembrance ceremony, and actual walk around the park it was held in, and both a balloon and dove release. I have been ill the last week or two and wasn't able to go but I would definitely like to attend next year.

Yesterday they also hosted the Wave of Light. I remember last year I lit a candle at home for my friends who lost babies, not knowing my own pregnancy would end a week later. One of my friends actually messaged me yesterday morning about it (her SIL's baby was either stillborn or died shortly after birth, I can't remember), otherwise I would have missed it! Another friend of mine was planning on going as well but she ended up going to the wrong park lol. Hopefully we will both be able to attend both activities next year.

Crappy phone camera FTW?

Even though I'm still not feeling well I really wanted to go to this. Since it was mostly just standing and not walking or anything I figured I would be okay but I am feeling it today. When we got there they asked for our baby's name and gave us a paper with a reading on it. A bit before 7 o'clock they started with three readings, one gender neutral and one each about baby boys and baby girls. After each reading they lit a big candle on the memory table, you can kind of see in the picture above the candles with pink, white, and blue ribbons around them. Then there was the reading we were given the words too. The man in the blue shirt would read out a situation, like when it's raining or when flowers bloom in spring but more detailed and poetic than that, and then everyone would respond "we remember them". I'll be honest I didn't always respond because at this point I was pretty choked up.

Then it was time to light the candles. They read out each baby's name and their family would go up to the table and light a candle for them. If you went to the walk on Saturday but weren't able to come to this they read your baby's name anyway and one of the people in charge would light their candle. A lot of the families had special shirts with the name of their baby on them and their angelversary. I just wore a blue dress with a pink cami and Josh wore black. After all the names were read they played a song but I'm not sure what it's called. I've tried to search for it but no luck. Anyway I totally broke down crying and got snot all over Josh's shirt. It wasn't pretty.

I'm really glad we went even if it was super depressing. A lot of the families had small children, some of them definitely rainbow babies. Maybe next year?