Cycle 10 CD29 (12dpo) - Big Effin' Negitive

I was so sure. I don't know why I was, just set myself up for disappointment. For the past week or so I've felt like I had some great symptoms. I tested at 9dpo and thought I saw a really super faint line. Like one of those that you only see sometimes. Normally I would have just thought "line eye" and not gotten my hopes up, but very recently one of my friends had a line like that at 9/10dpo and then got great lines a few days later. But I guess it really was line eye or an indent maybe. This batch of tests seem to get a lot of indents.

So next cycle. Next cycle. Sigh. AF should be here tomorrow or Friday. I hope she waits until Friday because I'm going almost two hours away tomorrow for my dress fitting, and I really don't want to have to deal with that. This next cycle is going to be problematic because of our cruise. I'm not sure what to do. We'll be gone from CD9/10 till CD17/18 which is pretty inconvenient. I'm supper glad I won't have AF, but this is about the worst possible timing other than that. If I O the same time I did this cycle, which I think is safe to assume since the protocol is the same, then I'll O the last day or two of our cruise. If I go back to O'ing CD20 then I'll still be in my fertile period on the cruise.

I know what you're thinking, "Babymoon! Vacation is a great time to conceive!" This is probably true for most people, but in our situation it's not as easy as that. I want to just relax on this vacation we've been planning for like 7 months or something. Unfortunately "relax and it will happen" isn't as applicable when you're infertile. For one thing Clomid makes me pretty miserable. For another trying to temp on vacation isn't going to be easy. Who wants to carry around OPKs and a plastic pee cup on vacation? I know I won't be able to take my Metformin. I can't even remember to take it when we go out to dinner now, so there's no way I'm going to remember on vacation, and I have to take it right with dinner or it makes me sick. I'm going to have to take 6 different supplements with us and remember to take them everyday. I'm going to have to keep track of our BD timing and make sure it's enough but not too much, and no one wants to worry about that on vacation.

So the logical thing would be to take the cycle off, right? Only that comes with it's own problems. A while back I read an article about new research that suggests cycles starting with an induced AF have a lower pregnancy rate. I can already tell by my temps that cycles starting with an induced period are different than ones with a natural one. The time we conceived was the only time so far that I ovulated after a natural AF. So it seems like this next cycle might have a better chance since I will have a natural AF. If I skip next cycle and don't take Clomid, then I probably won't O and have to induce AF again, and them when we start back TTC my chances will be lower again. Sigh.

Oh and one of my pregnant friends went for a scan today and was told it's likely her baby won't survive due to bad Down's or a heart defect or both. She's been bleeding for a few days. Oh and my friend I mentioned earlier who had the super faint line on 9/10dpo and then got great lines lost her baby too. This year is really starting out with a bang.

Cycle 9 CD39 (10DPO?) - Sick Again

I'm sick again. My mom has some kind of viral infection so I'm wondering if I caught it from her. No matter what it is I feel absolutely awful. Blech. The terrible thing is, I got sick last TWW at about the same time and then I got a BFP so being sick made me a little hopeful. I've also had a bit of spotting around when you should have IB. I doubt I even ovulated and here I go symptom spotting... I took a test just in case but I'm pretty sure it's negative. 

I promise I will post all my left over 30 Days of Thanks when I start to feel better. Don't think I'm going to make Iron Commenter for ICLW, though. Maybe next month?

Top to bottom: flash, autofix, natural. All the same test. Play with it at CTP.

Cycle 9 CD4 - Best and Worst Day of My Life

I didn't blog last week because I was really ill, and being in the middle of the TWW there wasn't much to say anyway.

This week though I have some bad news.

Thursday morning (10DPO) I tested and got a really super faint line. I kept testing all weekend and got some BFNs and some BFMs (Big Fat Maybe). Finally on Sunday morning I got what I have been waiting so long for - a clear BFP with a faint but definitely pink second line. I was so over joyed. I had some very definite pregnancy symptoms along with the same TWW symptoms from last time. Starting on Friday I developed an aversion to meat. I knew food aversions were typical but I didn't know meat specifically was common. It made deciding on dinner quite difficult but it was worth it. Sunday morning I developed a strong sense of smell. I did not expect this as I never heard of that being a symptom before. I never actually vomited but I was nauseous and did dry heave a few times. Yay the joys of morning sickness! I was too happy to complain about any of this stuff.

Unfortunately Sunday afternoon I started bleeding. It was heartbreaking seeing that first streak of blood. I started crying and told my husband who urged me to call my doctor. Since she is also a family friend I have her cell phone number so I was able to call her directly despite it being Sunday. She said some bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but I could also be miscarrying. I was to go to the office in the morning and get betas done to check my numbers. The bleeding continued throughout the night and cramping would come and go as well.

Monday was so nerve wracking. I got my betas done about 11:30am and was told if the numbers were fine I would not get a call and I was to get more done on Wednesday. If it was bad news I would receive a call by the end of business day. In case of a threatened miscarriage I just sat in the recliner with my feet up and hung out with my mom and little sister for support.

My doctor called at about 4pm to break the news.

My mother knew what it meant if I received a call so as I was talking to Dr. E she let DH know so he could come home from work. He is taking it badly but at the same time trying to be strong for me. I didn't have the heart to tell anymore else. Thankfully my mother took it upon herself to notify my older sister and a few other people without me even asking her. I am very thankful for that.

She took us out to eat at a Mongolian Barbecue place that was very good. I had a mini break down at the table though because my symptoms had started to fade. I was eating meat. My aversion had gone away.

Today I am still devastated and heart broken. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out. I know it was only with us a short time and the heart hadn't even started beating yet but it was still my child. My child that was taken from me too soon and that I will never meet. Even if I get pregnant again nothing could replace this child.

DH and I talked about it and we will be NTNP (not trying, not preventing) this cycle. I am  not allowed to take Clomid again until my first AF after the loss and that is perfectly fine by me. I would take this cycle off completely but DH wants to get back on the horse. Even though it is hard for me to consider right now I know he is right and this is what I would have wanted to do in hindsight after my grief starts to fade. So he is saving me from that regret. I am still going to temp so I will know if I ovulated or not but I won't be using OPKs or anything like that.

Cycle 7 CD33 (13DPO) - Limbo

I'm getting this post out late as I'm still waiting for a conclusive answer either way. When I ovulated the first time I had a 12 day LP, and based on the cramps I was getting yesterday I expected AF to show up late last night or early this morning. I was surprised to wake up and find out she had postponed her visit. Took an HPT this morning and also tonight and they were both BFN. Did a little research and apparently Clomid can extend your LP by several days. One person mentioned she had a 12 day LP before and then with Clomid had a 17 day LP! So now that's what I'm expecting. If I get AF before then I will be very happy though so I can start my new cycle.

Like I briefly mentioned above my cramps have started already. Yesterday they were painful but I was mostly able to deal with it. Today they feel like AF is already here. I've had to take two of my pain pills and it still kind of hurts. So this is why I'm thinking I'm dealing with an extended LP instead of getting a late BFP. I'll continue testing just in case though. Probably only every other day from now on so I don't use up all my tests.

Symptoms So Far

Fatigue, bloating, decreased appetite, nausea, backache, tender breasts, skin break out

Cycle 7 CD26 (6DPO) - Emotional Rollercoaster

I was hesitantly hopeful when I started this cycle. Not that I would get a BFP, just that I would ovulate. My Clomid had been upped again, I was going to do better about my Metformin, and I had started taking the correct dose of DHA. After coming off of another anovulatory cycle I was trying to stay positive.

Then I started noticing fertile CM and my OPKs were getting darker. I began to really think, "This is it! Finally after 7 months I'm going to O again!". Only I didn't. The CM dried up and the OPKs went blank. I became quite depressed. I started thinking about the fact that I can only increase the Clomid two more times.  I actually started to think, "Well at least I'll only have to go through this two more cycles and then I can just get used to the fact it won't happen." It was a terrible three days.

When my CM became fertile again and my OPKS started showing lines I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought I was excited before, but this was a whole 'nother ballgame. I cried when I looked at the positive OPK. I'm sure that has something to do with the Clomid's affect on my emotions, people shouldn't cry just because they see a +OPK. I should save those tears for the +HPT! But really, to me it was just like getting a BFP. I had hope again! Even if I don't get a BFP this cycle, I now believe there's a chance I will O again next cycle. Eventually one of those O's will turn into a BFP, right? It doesn't have to be this cycle.

Now I'm getting excited about a possible +HPT. I told myself I wouldn't, I would just be happy if I O'd, but I can't help myself. I am really trying to contain it because I don't want to fall again. I haven't ovulated enough times to know my normal progesterone symptoms, so there's no way to know if what I'm feeling is normal or not. I keep thinking about how perfect it would be - to announce it for our anniversary, to be in the second trimester during our cruise, to deliver before the heat of summer. I'm honestly pretty giddy. But I need to ground myself before I regret it.

Last night I had a dream I tested this morning and it was positive. Unfortunately it was ectopic. That crushed dream me. I shouldn't really have to say this, but when I wished for a BFP that's not what I meant, okay? I want a viable pregnancy or none at all. I was so upset by it I actually did take a test this morning, and it was negative as it should be. I don't really know much about ectopic pregnancies and how they show up on tests, but I know it takes about 3 days for a fertilized egg to travel down the fallopian tubes and then after implantation it takes 2-3 days for the HCG to build up enough to get a BFP. So I feel like to get a +HPT this early it would just about have to be ectopic. I feel better now after seeing the negative test.

I'll be testing again for real either Thursday or Saturday (maybe both). AF is due on Monday so I should know either way by my next update. Finger's crossed for me, please!

Symptoms So Far

Fatigue, skin break out, nausea, bloating,