Cycle 12 CD25 - It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

You would cry too, if it happened to you!

I used to love Lesley Gore as a child. My mother had a record of hers and I'd play it over, and over. I liked It's My Party and You Don't Own Me, but my absolute favorite was Judy's Turn To Cry. What does this have to do with anything? Well today's my birthday, and we aren't having much of a party but I do kinda feel like crying. 

I didn't ovulate, I think that's pretty clear now. I never got any more fertile CM or a +OPK so it doesn't look like I'm going to. Honestly I'm having flashbacks to this time last year when something similar happened. I ovulated for the very first time in February and didn't again until August. I feel like the same thing has happened now as happened then. I ovulated the first cycle I was on Clomid and the first cycle I was on Femara but then didn't afterwards even though I should have. Those 6 months were terrible, I don't want to go through that again. 

At least then I was able to increase my Clomid dose and hope eventually it would work. Well I spoke to the nurse today and we aren't increasing the Femara. I am to test just in case and start provera tomorrow, then I'll be back on 5mg again. I know I've heard of people being on 7mg so I don't know why they won't increase it. Not much I can do about it though. I should go see an RE and see about next steps, injectibles or  something, but we can't afford that. 

I feel like I've put my body through all this for nothing. I kind of regret going down this road at all and wish I would have just had my hysterectomy in September 2011. At least then I might be able to work or finish school and we'd be more than a year closer to being able to adopt than we are now. 

Sorry if my blog has turned into a giant pity party but I'm having a hard time seeing any positives right now. Happy Birthday to me. 

Cycle 12 CD18 (3dpo?) - Bitter R Us

Before getting to a cycle update I have an apology to make. JustMe, author of bits and pieces, is a regular commenter here and I really appreciate all the comments she leaves. She was recently lucky enough to get her BFP, and like the terrible horrible bitter person I am I have not congratulated her. You see, unlike most of the TTC'ers in my Google Reader she's not infertile. She doesn't suffer from RPL. She wasn't using MA. She's only been trying for like five months. And now she's pregnant. Conversely here I am, in the middle of my 12th cycle, 16 months after starting TTC, on fertility drugs, with a dead baby, and most importantly not pregnant. Deep down I know that the fact she hasn't gone down this road is a good thing. Deep down I'm happy she was able to dodge this bullet. This sucks so much and I don't want anyone to experience this that doesn't have to. But on the surface I'm just bitter. And I'm sorry. It is not her fault that I'm in this position and she's not. She didn't give me endo or PCOS or rob my husbands sperm in the night. She's a good person, and she deserves this. Yet every time I read one of her posts and go to comment I just can't. I get this ball in my throat and tears well up and I just close the page. Then I feel terribly guilty for not supporting her even though if the shoe were on the other foot, she'd support me. So I just wanted to state publicly how sorry I am for letting my bitterness get in the way of being a good friend. I'm really not upset at you, I'm just so sad for me. Most of all congratulations, I'm sorry I couldn't say it earlier.

As far as my cycle goes I may or may not be 3dpo. Bear with me here, as my explanation for why is going to get a little confusing. First off my temping has been all over the place this cycle. I'm on CD18 and there are only two filled in circles (for those unfamiliar with charting, ideally every day will have a filled in circle. Open circles mean you're doing it wrong.), I've missed days altogether and the time has ranged from 6:45am-1:00pm. So I have a bit of a rocky mountains thing going on, and frankly my chart isn't super reliable right now. That being said the last two days I have temped at the same time, and the day before was only an hour off. The day before that was three hours later than the time of the last two days. Here is a picture of my chart with actual temps then with those two days adjusted.

 

Even if I don't adjust CD16 and only adjust CD15 by .05 degrees (which is considerably less than the actual difference), I still get dotted CHs. So I feel pretty confident that had I taken my temp at the same time those 4 days I would have dotted CHs right now. However, the rest of my chart is so erratic and just plain missing that I still wouldn't be able to trust FF's accuracy. I want to believe FF is correct, and here is my justification of why:

• The last two days I have been very bloated, to the point I've wondered if the femara is causing weight gain. Being bloating is a common TWW symptom for me.
• Today my boobs hurt, which is also a common TWW symptom.
• The reason the CHs are dotted is because I never got a +OPK. However, I did not start testing twice a day until CD15 when I first noticed fertile CM. It is possible I missed my surge on CD13 or 14.
• My OPKs did get darker for a while, but the last two days they have had very faint lines (see picture below).
• My CM pattern is consistent with ovulation occurring late CD15/early CD16. The last two days it has been sticky.
• I posted in my TTC Facebook group the evening of CD15 that I was having O pains and experienced pink tinged CM (which could mean ovulation spotting).
• Our timing was great for a CD15 O so it would be really awesome if it was true.
• I could potentially get a BFP on my birthday!
• This would be my earliest I ovulated EVER and a great validation for switching to femara. 

I know those last three have nothing to do with actual facts, but I really really really want this to be true. Now here are the companion reasons suggesting it's not true and I should keep on using OPKs and BD'ing:

• My Google search says femara can actually cause weight gain.
• I have gotten more physical activity the last two days than normal, which means the ladies have been bouncing around and could be sore from that.
• There is just as much reason to assume I did not miss my surge as there is to assume I did.
• I have had waves of darker then lighter then darker again OPKs in the past.
• I have had more than one patch of fertile CM in a cycle before.
• There are many different reasons other than ovulation for pink tinged CM.

So basically I don't know. What do you think?

Also don't forget about my new Facebook Page! I have decided to use it for posting pictures I find funny and/or encouraging, that I may not be comfortable posting on my personal page. Pictures similar to the ones I post at the top of my blog each week. I only plan to post a few times a week so I won't spam your newsfeed, I promise!

Cycle 12 CD5 - Femara is my Valentine

I'm a day late. Again. Just wasn't feeling up to blogging yesterday. Thank you everyone who commented on my last post, I'm really not looking for pity I just want people to understand and not expect more than I'm capable of. Today however I am feeling much better and I'm pretty sure I have Femara to thank for that.

This cycle we increased my dose from 2.5 to 5mg so hopefully that gets me an earlier O. I noticed last cycle that about 12 hours after taking my first dose AF slowed considerably. I was still cramping but the flow wasn't as heavy. By the next day I was only spotting. Well, the same thing happened this cycle! I still had a light flow CD4 but now I'm down to spotting. The cramps are much better today as well. I think it could have been a coincidence if it happened once, but now I definitely think it has something to do with Femara. Just another reason I'm glad I switched.

Publix called the other day saying my Metformin was ready to be picked up. For those who don't know, Publix fills Metformin (and a bunch of other stuff) for free which is totally awesome. They also refill your monthly prescriptions automatically instead of you having to call it in. Well I realized that only about half of my last bottle had been used. I guess that shows how bad I was about my medications last cycle. I am back on the wagon though and have taken my medications and supplements every day this cycle like a good girl.

DH is supposed to get his SA done tomorrow so we could use all your spare good vibes/thoughts/prayers/whatever you're into. I have enough issues already it would really suck if he did too. We are hoping things are fine on his end since I was able to conceive only the third time I ovulated, but we could have just gotten lucky. I will be sure to post an update on that next week.

In non-TTC related blogging news, I made a Facebook page! Why? I don't really know. Maybe in case people want to stay updated that way rather than use GFC? A lot of bloggers have pages so there must be some use to them. I do plan on posting a link to my posts every week and maybe some other random nonsense. So if you want to "like" me, you can. I added badges to the sidebar for my Facebook, Goodreads, and Instagram in case you want to see a bunch of pictures of my dog.

Cycle 11 CD25 (1dpo?) - How would you like your eggs?

Fertilized!

At this point I'm just guessing, but I'm pretty sure I am 1dpo. I got a +OPK at about 3am CD22 (so the night of CD21) and continued to get them for 36 hours. It might have been 48 hours but I didn't test again until 60 hours, at which point it was slightly under. I normally only get surges lasting 14 or 18 hours (sometimes less than 12) so this was really long for me.

I don't have enough pre-o temps to confirm ovulation, but my temp did rise quite a bit this morning in relation to my last three temps. Since I took it 2 hours early it probably would have been even higher. So we will see what the next few days bring. It would be pretty sucky if I had a surge, and my temp rose, and I still didn't ovulate but I'm sure it's possible.

Unfortunately since we are both still sick my poor egg was stood up. I was so worried about this cycle a month ago and now I'm out just because we were too sick to do it. Oh well, at least I (probably) ovulated! Later then we would like obviously but it's a good start for 2.5mg Femara. I might have ovulated at my normal time if it wasn't for being so sick. Poor DH had to go to the doctor again and get more antibiotics and some prescription cough medicine. Hopefully we will both be over this soon!

On thing I failed to mention last time is how wonderful Femara is vs Clomid. I haven't had any side effects basically. Of course I didn't have many side effects on 50mg Clomid, either. Still it's nice to not be constantly nauseous or have hot flashes or be excessively moody. Since I found this coupon site and cost is no longer a factor I would definitely suggest Femara over Clomid.

Other than having bad timing this cycle, we have also reached another TTC milestone. As of a few days ago we have been TTC 15 months. I know 15 months doesn't sound like a milestone so let me explain. If you are a fertile myrtle and have good timing you have a 20% chance of conceiving each cycle. Odds are you will be pregnant within six months. 6 + 9 = 15. Basically we should have at least a newborn by now if it weren't for my issues, since other than this cycle our timing has been good. Instead with the recent change in protocol I feel like we're just starting over.