Cycle 12 CD25 - It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

You would cry too, if it happened to you!

I used to love Lesley Gore as a child. My mother had a record of hers and I'd play it over, and over. I liked It's My Party and You Don't Own Me, but my absolute favorite was Judy's Turn To Cry. What does this have to do with anything? Well today's my birthday, and we aren't having much of a party but I do kinda feel like crying. 

I didn't ovulate, I think that's pretty clear now. I never got any more fertile CM or a +OPK so it doesn't look like I'm going to. Honestly I'm having flashbacks to this time last year when something similar happened. I ovulated for the very first time in February and didn't again until August. I feel like the same thing has happened now as happened then. I ovulated the first cycle I was on Clomid and the first cycle I was on Femara but then didn't afterwards even though I should have. Those 6 months were terrible, I don't want to go through that again. 

At least then I was able to increase my Clomid dose and hope eventually it would work. Well I spoke to the nurse today and we aren't increasing the Femara. I am to test just in case and start provera tomorrow, then I'll be back on 5mg again. I know I've heard of people being on 7mg so I don't know why they won't increase it. Not much I can do about it though. I should go see an RE and see about next steps, injectibles or  something, but we can't afford that. 

I feel like I've put my body through all this for nothing. I kind of regret going down this road at all and wish I would have just had my hysterectomy in September 2011. At least then I might be able to work or finish school and we'd be more than a year closer to being able to adopt than we are now. 

Sorry if my blog has turned into a giant pity party but I'm having a hard time seeing any positives right now. Happy Birthday to me. 

Cycle 12 CD18 (3dpo?) - Bitter R Us

Before getting to a cycle update I have an apology to make. JustMe, author of bits and pieces, is a regular commenter here and I really appreciate all the comments she leaves. She was recently lucky enough to get her BFP, and like the terrible horrible bitter person I am I have not congratulated her. You see, unlike most of the TTC'ers in my Google Reader she's not infertile. She doesn't suffer from RPL. She wasn't using MA. She's only been trying for like five months. And now she's pregnant. Conversely here I am, in the middle of my 12th cycle, 16 months after starting TTC, on fertility drugs, with a dead baby, and most importantly not pregnant. Deep down I know that the fact she hasn't gone down this road is a good thing. Deep down I'm happy she was able to dodge this bullet. This sucks so much and I don't want anyone to experience this that doesn't have to. But on the surface I'm just bitter. And I'm sorry. It is not her fault that I'm in this position and she's not. She didn't give me endo or PCOS or rob my husbands sperm in the night. She's a good person, and she deserves this. Yet every time I read one of her posts and go to comment I just can't. I get this ball in my throat and tears well up and I just close the page. Then I feel terribly guilty for not supporting her even though if the shoe were on the other foot, she'd support me. So I just wanted to state publicly how sorry I am for letting my bitterness get in the way of being a good friend. I'm really not upset at you, I'm just so sad for me. Most of all congratulations, I'm sorry I couldn't say it earlier.

As far as my cycle goes I may or may not be 3dpo. Bear with me here, as my explanation for why is going to get a little confusing. First off my temping has been all over the place this cycle. I'm on CD18 and there are only two filled in circles (for those unfamiliar with charting, ideally every day will have a filled in circle. Open circles mean you're doing it wrong.), I've missed days altogether and the time has ranged from 6:45am-1:00pm. So I have a bit of a rocky mountains thing going on, and frankly my chart isn't super reliable right now. That being said the last two days I have temped at the same time, and the day before was only an hour off. The day before that was three hours later than the time of the last two days. Here is a picture of my chart with actual temps then with those two days adjusted.

 

Even if I don't adjust CD16 and only adjust CD15 by .05 degrees (which is considerably less than the actual difference), I still get dotted CHs. So I feel pretty confident that had I taken my temp at the same time those 4 days I would have dotted CHs right now. However, the rest of my chart is so erratic and just plain missing that I still wouldn't be able to trust FF's accuracy. I want to believe FF is correct, and here is my justification of why:

• The last two days I have been very bloated, to the point I've wondered if the femara is causing weight gain. Being bloating is a common TWW symptom for me.
• Today my boobs hurt, which is also a common TWW symptom.
• The reason the CHs are dotted is because I never got a +OPK. However, I did not start testing twice a day until CD15 when I first noticed fertile CM. It is possible I missed my surge on CD13 or 14.
• My OPKs did get darker for a while, but the last two days they have had very faint lines (see picture below).
• My CM pattern is consistent with ovulation occurring late CD15/early CD16. The last two days it has been sticky.
• I posted in my TTC Facebook group the evening of CD15 that I was having O pains and experienced pink tinged CM (which could mean ovulation spotting).
• Our timing was great for a CD15 O so it would be really awesome if it was true.
• I could potentially get a BFP on my birthday!
• This would be my earliest I ovulated EVER and a great validation for switching to femara. 

I know those last three have nothing to do with actual facts, but I really really really want this to be true. Now here are the companion reasons suggesting it's not true and I should keep on using OPKs and BD'ing:

• My Google search says femara can actually cause weight gain.
• I have gotten more physical activity the last two days than normal, which means the ladies have been bouncing around and could be sore from that.
• There is just as much reason to assume I did not miss my surge as there is to assume I did.
• I have had waves of darker then lighter then darker again OPKs in the past.
• I have had more than one patch of fertile CM in a cycle before.
• There are many different reasons other than ovulation for pink tinged CM.

So basically I don't know. What do you think?

Also don't forget about my new Facebook Page! I have decided to use it for posting pictures I find funny and/or encouraging, that I may not be comfortable posting on my personal page. Pictures similar to the ones I post at the top of my blog each week. I only plan to post a few times a week so I won't spam your newsfeed, I promise!

Cycle 11 CD25 (1dpo?) - How would you like your eggs?

Fertilized!

At this point I'm just guessing, but I'm pretty sure I am 1dpo. I got a +OPK at about 3am CD22 (so the night of CD21) and continued to get them for 36 hours. It might have been 48 hours but I didn't test again until 60 hours, at which point it was slightly under. I normally only get surges lasting 14 or 18 hours (sometimes less than 12) so this was really long for me.

I don't have enough pre-o temps to confirm ovulation, but my temp did rise quite a bit this morning in relation to my last three temps. Since I took it 2 hours early it probably would have been even higher. So we will see what the next few days bring. It would be pretty sucky if I had a surge, and my temp rose, and I still didn't ovulate but I'm sure it's possible.

Unfortunately since we are both still sick my poor egg was stood up. I was so worried about this cycle a month ago and now I'm out just because we were too sick to do it. Oh well, at least I (probably) ovulated! Later then we would like obviously but it's a good start for 2.5mg Femara. I might have ovulated at my normal time if it wasn't for being so sick. Poor DH had to go to the doctor again and get more antibiotics and some prescription cough medicine. Hopefully we will both be over this soon!

On thing I failed to mention last time is how wonderful Femara is vs Clomid. I haven't had any side effects basically. Of course I didn't have many side effects on 50mg Clomid, either. Still it's nice to not be constantly nauseous or have hot flashes or be excessively moody. Since I found this coupon site and cost is no longer a factor I would definitely suggest Femara over Clomid.

Other than having bad timing this cycle, we have also reached another TTC milestone. As of a few days ago we have been TTC 15 months. I know 15 months doesn't sound like a milestone so let me explain. If you are a fertile myrtle and have good timing you have a 20% chance of conceiving each cycle. Odds are you will be pregnant within six months. 6 + 9 = 15. Basically we should have at least a newborn by now if it weren't for my issues, since other than this cycle our timing has been good. Instead with the recent change in protocol I feel like we're just starting over.

Cycle 10 CD16 - Go Time

Yesterday was a really great day! First we went to pick out fabric for my two custom dresses (and one for my little sister). One of them is for formal night on the cruise but one of just to wear. Here is what the formal one is going to look like, sorta.

The dress is going to be hunter green. It's long like A but has a hook and eye for the halter like D instead of the tie. The top and bottom are going to have this sparkly green shear fabric over them but the band in the middle won't. I'm really looking forward to it!

I'm also getting an "infinity dress" made. The skirt is going to be made out of this sparkly purple fabric (I like sparkly things). Note this is an extreme close up of the fabric because she only gave me a little piece to keep. I'm going to find some gold that matches the sparkles over the next two weeks for the strap parts. I've wanted one of these dresses for like a year and a half so I'm happy to finally be getting it!

Then we went to see The Hobbit. They had this really cool Bag End display set in front of the entrance to the theater, so of course I had to get a picture! I really loved the movie, but it's been several years since I've read the book so I don't know how accurate it is. 

Okay now an update on my cycle. I'm fairly certain I'm going to get my +OPK today or really early Friday morning (before we go to bed tonight). The one I took this morning looked pretty close. I got a picture of it but it doesn't look near as close in the picture as it did IRL. Last night I noticed a bit of EWCM so things are looking good! I also had some mild ovulation pains but nothing like I had with O two cycles ago. I didn't have the really strong ones till the day before O so that makes sense. So basically it's go time. Wish us luck! Here's the OPK but like I said it looks a lot closer IRL.

Cycle 9 CD25 - Here's my LH, ovulate me maybe?

So I didn't ovulate on CD20. I continued to take OPKs and they've stayed pretty dark. Tonight I got my darkest one yet. In fact, depending on who you ask it may even be positive. I personally think it's just under. It may go positive finally sometime over night or it could just keep messing with my head. If I don't ovulate at this point I think I may need to join a kick boxing class. 

Besides not ovulating, this past week has been okay. Monday was the first night I slept without any Tylenol PM since the loss. I could have slept better, but I did sleep. Last night I decided not to take any again and got decent sleep. I think I'm doing to take it a few more nights and then stop again to see if it gets any better. 

The plan has been to call Dr. E Friday afternoon to get a provera prescription called in. She said if I don't get AF four weeks after the loss to call and Sunday would be four weeks. I guess it's possible for me to magically get AF after only a month without ovulating but I don't think it's likely, so I was going to start it Sunday if I hadn't ovulated by then. Now that it looks like I might have a +OPK, I'm not sure. I won't know by Friday afternoon whether or not I did actually ovulate. I may put it off and call Tuesday if I don't have a temp shift over the weekend. Dr. E works at a different office on Monday's so it's harder to get a hold of her then.

Cycle 9 CD18 - Healing

The last week hasn't been very good. I've broken down over the loss a lot. I realized that I was scared of getting pregnant again. Not just a normal healthy amount of scared, but like paralyzing. One of the ladies I met on JM had an early loss two cycles ago. Last cycle she was my testing buddy and we got our BFPs on the same day. We also miscarried on the same day. So now she has had two losses in a row. I am so scared that will happen to me that while we are technically NTNP I've been subconsciously preventing the old fashioned way. As my possible O date has crept closer the fear has only gotten worse. But now that I've sat down and figured out what I'm scared of and really looked at it, I feel better. Acknowledging the fear has helped decrease it. I'm still not sure how well I'd deal with another positive this cycle, but I think that next cycle I will be able to move full speed ahead. Get back on the horse.

Another thing that bothered me was that when I saw people in real life, no one said anything to me. Not an "I'm sorry", not a hug, not an "I'm thinking of you", nothing. It was like nothing even happened. It made me feel terrible because it felt like they didn't realize the gravity of the situation. My baby had died, but to them it was business as usual. Some online friends helped me be able to see that that's not necessarily what was happening. My family could just not know how to approach it. It's an awkward thing to talk about, and dealing with grieving people can be hard. The "right thing to say" is different for everyone, so for some people saying nothing is easier than accidentally saying the wrong thing. If this is true it still makes me think it was kind of cowardly but it's better than them not thinking it's important.

However after that happened, my grandmother called to check on me. Her church had sent me a card in the mail and she wanted to make sure I got it, and to ask if I still wanted to be on the prayer list. I'm not very close to my grandmother so it made me feel better to know she was thinking of me.

Then last night someone who used to be by best friend but now I don't talk to much messaged me on Facebook. It was pretty out of the blue, she just wanted to check on me and see how I'm doing. I talked to her for a bit and that also made me feel better. She is going to make me some cookies. =]

So today I am feeling much better about everything. I hope that I can continue to heal over the next couple of weeks. I'm tired of being sad all the time.

As far as my cycle goes, still no ovulation yet but that's not surprising. My temps have started to look like my pre-O temps from last cycle so there's a chance I may O "on time" aka CD20. The pink line is this cycle and the green is last cycle.

I was also a bad girl and took an OPK. I just wanted to see if there was any line at all, because if there wasn't then O'ing in the next few days is less likely. We there is a line, and it's pretty dark. Not dark enough for a positive but dark enough to know that something is going on. Even if I don't O in the next few days I think my body will have at least tried to and that is something.

Cycle 8 CD22 (2DPO) - Deja Vu

So I did end up jixing myself and having some awful side effects after my last post. The nausea and hot flashes were terrible! The combination of the two kept me up several nights. Thankfully the mood swings weren't so bad. When I did have them they were more mild than last cycle. I did end up crying a few times because of the lack of positive OPKs and got a bit angrier than usual at DH but nothing worse than what I hear PMS is like for some. I was on estrogen CD9-13 which I think is what helped decrease them at first. I was taking it to try and help improve my lining but that's a pretty nice result as well!

I did finally get a +OPK on CD18. It was pretty late at night so it might as well have been CD19. I didn't take this into account at first so became quite frustrated when I was still having fertile signs the morning of CD20 and my temp was also still down. I expected to ovulate the day after the +OPK. Now when I think back, I kinda did O the day after when you consider how late on CD18 I got the +OPK. If I lived just an hour and a half east of here it would have been CD19 already. I did O later in the day of CD20 and my temp was up on CD21.

This really annoys me that even being on the higher dose of Clomid I still did not O before CD20. That's the same day I O'd last cycle! The whole reason I went up to 200mg was so I would O earlier. =[ So I basically went through a week of more intense nausea and hot flashes for nothing. It makes me wonder, why? Why wasn't it earlier? Would I have ovulated even later or not at all if I had stayed on 150? I ovulated once on 50mg but then the next month that dose was no longer sufficient.

I still haven't called the doctor to let them know I've O'd. I wanted to make sure that the higher temp wasn't a fluke. I will try to call tomorrow. I am wondering if they will want me to go up to 250mg. That's the highest I can go up if I remember correctly. The whole point of going to 200 was to make it earlier, so since that didn't work it makes sense to try 250 right? Just because this didn't work doesn't mean going up again won't.  I'm scared to do that though because if the side effects were this bad on 200, what will they be like on 250? If I don't try 250 am I going to stay on 200 or go back down to 150 since they had similar results? Hopefully I will get a BFP in a week and a half so I don't have to worry about it.

My chart overlay looks really interesting so far. You can definitely see the same pattern pre-O, and my post O temps are exactly the same! I imagine this is just a coincidence and will change in the next few days but I still think it's really neat. This is the first time I've been able to compare two ovulatory charts of mine.

Cycle 8 CD14 - Movin' On Up

I was recently made co-host of the TTC with PCOS board on JustMommies! /dance Our other co-host has been MIA lately as she's due in December so I decided to step up and try to get the board moving again. It's really nice for me to have a place to discuss PCOS and it's effects on my life so I want to provide that for others. Also, hosts of TTC boards have been known to get their BFP shortly after becoming host and I could use a little of that luck. Of course I'm sure that's all a coincidence but I'll take what I can get!

As far as my cycle goes, I'm still waiting on a +OPK. I was hoping to O at a normal time (CD13-15), but it looks like my O will still be on the late side. So far all my OPKs have been about the same. Last cycle they went from being this dark to positive pretty quickly so I guess I'm going to start testing multiple times a day. Here is the latest one.

The Clomid actually hasn't been too bad this month. Had a few hot flashes at night, but only one day of mood swings so far. I think it's been better this cycle than last believe it or not. I was expecting the side effects to be worse on the higher dose. And of course as I write this I start sweating haha! Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself and my moods continue to be stable (or as stable as any woman's can be expected to be =P).

Cycle 8 CD7 - Insomnia

So yeah as you can see by the title I got AF. I actually got it the day after I posted my last post. While I'm super happy I at least ovulated, I've taken this BFN extra hard. Two friends from high school have given birth in the last few weeks, and I have two more baby showers this upcoming Sunday. It sucks because they got pregnant after we started trying and now they have their babies or are pretty close. I feel like I should be there with them, celebrating my child's birth or going to my baby shower or at least have a BFP. Instead of morning sickness I'm just nauseous from the Clomid. Sigh.

Even though I did ovulate last cycle I've gone up again to 200mg. So far I can't tell much of a difference between 150 and 200 side effect wise. I am really thankful for that. The nausea is still killer and has been keeping me up all night. My DH and I are kind of on different sleep schedules now which kind of sucks. I didn't start having hot flashes till midcycle last time and I'm hoping that will happen again. Gives this Florida heat a little more time to cool off so they are more bearable.

I've noticed the last few days I've been hungrier than usual. I think it might be because I started being serious about taking the Metformin again. I normally have a decreased appetite compared to most people so this is a good thing. It's nice to know I need to eat by hunger signs rather than just guessing based on when I ate last.

I've also started taking Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) to help increase fertile CM. On the 150mg I was a little dryer than I liked so I imagine that would be true or worse for the 200mg. I started taking 1300mg of EPO (that's how big the pills are) after dinner when I take everything else. I noticed right away that it's definitely helping. If you're ever TTC and feel like you could use some help I would highly recommend it.

Today I took my first OPK of the cycle, and it's definitely darker than I imagined it would be. Below is today's on top of last cycle's CD7 OPK for comparison. I am hoping this means I will O earlier this time! Last cycle my OPKs started getting dark and then went back to blank then got dark again so that could just be happening this cycle too. I guess we will know in a couple days. Link to my full OPK series.

Cycle 7 CD19 - The Surge

Look at that OPK. Isn't it beautiful? I kind of want to print it out and hang it on the wall. I'd frame the actual OPK but I already threw it away and they fade with time anyway. Even though I know it's positive I threw it up on countdowntopregnancy.com's gallery to see what everyone else would say. As of this writing it has 27 votes for positive and only one for negative. I am going to assume that person who voted negative just doesn't know what they are talking about. =]

Yesterday DH, my mother, and I went to visit my older sister who lives about an hour and a half away. We were there pretty much all day. She colored my hair and then we went to dinner. I didn't take any OPKs while I was there as I'm not ready to tell her we are TTC. I'm a terrible liar so I couldn't just make up another reason for taking an OPK and my pee cup into her bathroom lol. I never had an opportunity to sneak it in. By the time we left I had a terrible migraine so I didn't take one before bed either. It's possible I started surging yesterday but if so at least I didn't miss it altogether.

I talked to the nurse today and she said since I'm on such a high dose of Clomid I shouldn't have a progesterone deficiency. Honestly I'm still a little worried though since I'm not having any CD21 blood work done. I almost want to pick up some OTC cream and use it just in case. I don't know what I will do with myself if I end up having a miscarriage because of something avoidable. I'll talk with DH tonight when he gets home and see what he thinks. I don't think too much progesterone is a bad thing, but I don't want to do it without my doctor's permission and have it screw up my blood work if I do get a BFP. What if it comes back saying my progesterone is fine but that's only because of the cream?

She also said if I get a BFN Dr. E. wants me to go up to 200mg next cycle even though I did O this cycle. She wants to see me O'ing much closer to CD14, as early as CD12 if possible. I'm not sure I'll ever O that early since the highest you can go is 250mg but we'll see.

The one time I O'd before my LP was 12 or 13 days (wasn't temping so don't know exact O date) so I should know the results of this cycle by our anniversary which is the 19th. I'll probably test of the 16th if I can hold out till then. I don't have much experience being in the 2WW so I'm not sure how I'll react or how early I'll break down and test.

Cycle 7 CD12 - Clomid Nightmares

This cycle I am on 150mg of Clomid and I can really tell a difference. First I had terrible nausea for a few days that was unresponsive to Phenergan. Then I've been having horrible mood swings of death. This morning I had cramps so bad I dreamed I was going into labor. I am hoping that all this translates to some strong follicles and an egg or two being released. I will hopefully know by next week.

My OPKS are getting darker but aren't terribly close to positive yet. When I ovulated the first time it wasn't until like CD16 so it will be a few more days before I start mentally considering myself out this cycle. My latest one is below but you can go here to see my full series.