Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Cycle 9 CD18 - Healing

The last week hasn't been very good. I've broken down over the loss a lot. I realized that I was scared of getting pregnant again. Not just a normal healthy amount of scared, but like paralyzing. One of the ladies I met on JM had an early loss two cycles ago. Last cycle she was my testing buddy and we got our BFPs on the same day. We also miscarried on the same day. So now she has had two losses in a row. I am so scared that will happen to me that while we are technically NTNP I've been subconsciously preventing the old fashioned way. As my possible O date has crept closer the fear has only gotten worse. But now that I've sat down and figured out what I'm scared of and really looked at it, I feel better. Acknowledging the fear has helped decrease it. I'm still not sure how well I'd deal with another positive this cycle, but I think that next cycle I will be able to move full speed ahead. Get back on the horse.

Another thing that bothered me was that when I saw people in real life, no one said anything to me. Not an "I'm sorry", not a hug, not an "I'm thinking of you", nothing. It was like nothing even happened. It made me feel terrible because it felt like they didn't realize the gravity of the situation. My baby had died, but to them it was business as usual. Some online friends helped me be able to see that that's not necessarily what was happening. My family could just not know how to approach it. It's an awkward thing to talk about, and dealing with grieving people can be hard. The "right thing to say" is different for everyone, so for some people saying nothing is easier than accidentally saying the wrong thing. If this is true it still makes me think it was kind of cowardly but it's better than them not thinking it's important.

However after that happened, my grandmother called to check on me. Her church had sent me a card in the mail and she wanted to make sure I got it, and to ask if I still wanted to be on the prayer list. I'm not very close to my grandmother so it made me feel better to know she was thinking of me.

Then last night someone who used to be by best friend but now I don't talk to much messaged me on Facebook. It was pretty out of the blue, she just wanted to check on me and see how I'm doing. I talked to her for a bit and that also made me feel better. She is going to make me some cookies. =]

So today I am feeling much better about everything. I hope that I can continue to heal over the next couple of weeks. I'm tired of being sad all the time.

As far as my cycle goes, still no ovulation yet but that's not surprising. My temps have started to look like my pre-O temps from last cycle so there's a chance I may O "on time" aka CD20. The pink line is this cycle and the green is last cycle.

I was also a bad girl and took an OPK. I just wanted to see if there was any line at all, because if there wasn't then O'ing in the next few days is less likely. We there is a line, and it's pretty dark. Not dark enough for a positive but dark enough to know that something is going on. Even if I don't O in the next few days I think my body will have at least tried to and that is something.

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