Saturday, November 24, 2012

30 Days of Thanks: Day 22

22. I am thankful for my husband.

I'm going to be honest, I've been procrastinating writing this post. I was looking forward to it and planned since the beginning to make it my actual Thanksgiving post as he's what I'm most thankful for, but now I just don't feel so thankful. It's nothing he's done, there's just a black cloud hanging over me in general. I'm afraid if I write it now I won't do it justice since I've been feeling so down. But part of the reason I decided to participate in 30DoT was to remind me that I do have stuff to be thankful for on the hard days. If I stop now then the rest of the month's posts would have been in vain. So here goes, my best attempt to describe in words how thankful I am for my DH.

When I met my husband I wasn't in a great place. The few years around my high school graduation were hard as I was dealing with a lot of crap regarding my sociopathic father. As always I was having health problems and was confused about what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I really wanted to be a wife and mother, but you can't major in that. The fields that called to me, the "ologies" as I call them (meteorology, oceanography, geology in particular), I couldn't do because I'm dreadful at math. Meeting him really brought a light into my life. Right away I learned he shared my love of musicals, which was awesome because there weren't many in my life that did. We could talk about random stuff that didn't matter, but looking back I realize those conversations did matter. They mattered very much. Besides just being a friend he also challenged me intellectually. We would debate religion and politics and such and he let me use my mind, without being condescending if I didn't agree with him. There were a few things he changed my mind on but mostly he helped me feel confident in my beliefs, as explaining to him why I believed what I did helped me figure it out for myself. We became close pretty fast but it took a while for us to be romantically involved.

When he mentioned he had feelings for me I was scared. My self esteem was terrible back then so I always questioned why he would be interested in me. Was it a scam? We met online and lived 8 hours away from each other so I also thought it wouldn't work. Back then online relationships still had a bum rap, so I was also nervous of what my friends and family might say. He kept being my friend and bringing up ways that it could work, and I ultimately relented. We starting making plans to meet in person for the first time. It took very little time for him to bring up the L word and again I was scared out of my mind. I couldn't say it back at first but he was very patient with me. I knew I loved him the same way you love friends, he was definitely one of the most important people in my life, but did I love him love him? Eventually I just knew. I did, and we were going to get married. He was my "one", it's as simple as that. Of course I didn't go around telling people so at the time...

He moved to be with me. The left his home, his friends, his family, his job, everything to be with me. I'm so thankful for that because I couldn't have done it. I've had many of my friends and some family move away, and that's hard on me even still having people here. It's hard even being a few hours away from my friends and my sister so I don't know how I would have dealt with being 8 hours away from everyone. But he's a trooper. He hardly ever complains about being away from his friends or family. He misses them, obviously, but it's worth it to him to be with me. That kind of love is something I am blessed to have.

I feel bad sometimes because I'm not the same person I was when we met. Like I said, I've always had health problems but they are so much worse now. Last march I started having constant cramps where I had to be medicated 24/7. Then I had surgery and didn't recover well. After that I developed chronic chest pain. I had to go to a doctor over and hour away to find a way to deal with that, and I still had breakout pain a few times a month. Then I started Clomid which comes with mood swings and hot flashes and more cramps. The doctor I was seeing is no longer working and I ran out of my medication so the chest pain has come back and I've had cramps all cycle. Basically my point is I've been drugged up for a year and eight months. I can't work, can't go to school, can't drive, I'm "silly" all the time, I don't do that much housework, I can't have the kind of conversations we used to.

But through all this he has been there for me. He never makes me feel like I'm worthless or not good enough. Sure he jokes sometimes, but I know he doesn't mean it. He just wants me to be better and it hurts him to see me like this. He was really hesitant to have a biological child because he's afraid they would inherit my health problems. I understand his fear, it's one we share, but I really wanted to have the experience of pregnancy. I wanted to look at our child and see us in them. I'm very white, he is... not. I think our children would be such a beautiful mix of the both of us. Knowing how important it was to me he got on board. (It also helps that we're not really in any position to adopt right now.) Some wives can't even convince their husbands to have kids, so that he would do this for me despite the potential problems really means a lot.

I'm not sure what I would do without him.

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