Cycle 9 CD39 (10DPO?) - Sick Again

I'm sick again. My mom has some kind of viral infection so I'm wondering if I caught it from her. No matter what it is I feel absolutely awful. Blech. The terrible thing is, I got sick last TWW at about the same time and then I got a BFP so being sick made me a little hopeful. I've also had a bit of spotting around when you should have IB. I doubt I even ovulated and here I go symptom spotting... I took a test just in case but I'm pretty sure it's negative. 

I promise I will post all my left over 30 Days of Thanks when I start to feel better. Don't think I'm going to make Iron Commenter for ICLW, though. Maybe next month?

Top to bottom: flash, autofix, natural. All the same test. Play with it at CTP.

Cycle 9 CD33 (4DPO?) - The Girl Who Waited

Shout out to all the whovians reading this blog! Really feel like "the girl who waited" today. Only instead of waiting for the Doctor, I'm waiting to know what the flying furry flamingos is going on with my cycle. 

WTFFF?

As you can see by my chart, I technically have crosshairs. This is using the research interpretation method on FF. If I'm on advanced which is the recommended one I don't have CHs. I did yesterday, but I guess my temp was too low today so they took it away. Also as you'll notice I had some EWCM which is why they are dotted. So now I'm at 4dpo and I still don't really know if I ovulated or not. I waited 29 days to possibly ovulate when normal people have finished their two week wait by now, then another three days to see if I would get CHs. I finally do after several fake outs this cycle and they get taken away the next day! I was supposed to start Provera after four weeks which would have been almost a week ago, but I waited because I got an iffy OPK. 53% of people on CTP say it was positive. Each day I wait to see what is going on potentially means another day before this cycle will be over.

I decided screw it, I'm taking the provera anyway. I took it tonight and will take it till probably 16dpo as I get 13 pills. You can stop after 10 but I usually don't because I'm scared it won't work. Because provera is a type of progesterone it should be fine even if I did ovulate and we caught the egg. I looked up info on it for a long, long time before deciding to take it because I don't want to do anything that could cause a potential second m/c. I even spoke to a pharmacist who told me it will be fine I just have to make sure I test before stopping it. If I stop it in early pregnancy it could cause a m/c the same way a progesterone deficiency can. I got my first positive at 10dpo last cycle, so I figure by 16dpo I should test positive if I'm ever going to. If I do get a BFP I will tell the doctor and I guess stay on it for a while or something. According to my research some doctors actually prescribe provera in the TWW to women with a progesterone deficiency.

The bad thing about this is, I could potentially never know if I really ovulated or not. If my temp goes down even further then I probably didn't. However if it goes back up that could be caused by the provera. Either way I will be going back on Clomid next cycle (unless I get a BFP) so I guess it doesn't really matter if I O'd or not. I'm leaning towards no because I haven't in the past and while m/c can make you more fertile than normal, some healthy women don't even O their first cycle.

Cycle 9 CD25 - Here's my LH, ovulate me maybe?

So I didn't ovulate on CD20. I continued to take OPKs and they've stayed pretty dark. Tonight I got my darkest one yet. In fact, depending on who you ask it may even be positive. I personally think it's just under. It may go positive finally sometime over night or it could just keep messing with my head. If I don't ovulate at this point I think I may need to join a kick boxing class. 

Besides not ovulating, this past week has been okay. Monday was the first night I slept without any Tylenol PM since the loss. I could have slept better, but I did sleep. Last night I decided not to take any again and got decent sleep. I think I'm doing to take it a few more nights and then stop again to see if it gets any better. 

The plan has been to call Dr. E Friday afternoon to get a provera prescription called in. She said if I don't get AF four weeks after the loss to call and Sunday would be four weeks. I guess it's possible for me to magically get AF after only a month without ovulating but I don't think it's likely, so I was going to start it Sunday if I hadn't ovulated by then. Now that it looks like I might have a +OPK, I'm not sure. I won't know by Friday afternoon whether or not I did actually ovulate. I may put it off and call Tuesday if I don't have a temp shift over the weekend. Dr. E works at a different office on Monday's so it's harder to get a hold of her then.

Cycle 9 CD18 - Healing

The last week hasn't been very good. I've broken down over the loss a lot. I realized that I was scared of getting pregnant again. Not just a normal healthy amount of scared, but like paralyzing. One of the ladies I met on JM had an early loss two cycles ago. Last cycle she was my testing buddy and we got our BFPs on the same day. We also miscarried on the same day. So now she has had two losses in a row. I am so scared that will happen to me that while we are technically NTNP I've been subconsciously preventing the old fashioned way. As my possible O date has crept closer the fear has only gotten worse. But now that I've sat down and figured out what I'm scared of and really looked at it, I feel better. Acknowledging the fear has helped decrease it. I'm still not sure how well I'd deal with another positive this cycle, but I think that next cycle I will be able to move full speed ahead. Get back on the horse.

Another thing that bothered me was that when I saw people in real life, no one said anything to me. Not an "I'm sorry", not a hug, not an "I'm thinking of you", nothing. It was like nothing even happened. It made me feel terrible because it felt like they didn't realize the gravity of the situation. My baby had died, but to them it was business as usual. Some online friends helped me be able to see that that's not necessarily what was happening. My family could just not know how to approach it. It's an awkward thing to talk about, and dealing with grieving people can be hard. The "right thing to say" is different for everyone, so for some people saying nothing is easier than accidentally saying the wrong thing. If this is true it still makes me think it was kind of cowardly but it's better than them not thinking it's important.

However after that happened, my grandmother called to check on me. Her church had sent me a card in the mail and she wanted to make sure I got it, and to ask if I still wanted to be on the prayer list. I'm not very close to my grandmother so it made me feel better to know she was thinking of me.

Then last night someone who used to be by best friend but now I don't talk to much messaged me on Facebook. It was pretty out of the blue, she just wanted to check on me and see how I'm doing. I talked to her for a bit and that also made me feel better. She is going to make me some cookies. =]

So today I am feeling much better about everything. I hope that I can continue to heal over the next couple of weeks. I'm tired of being sad all the time.

As far as my cycle goes, still no ovulation yet but that's not surprising. My temps have started to look like my pre-O temps from last cycle so there's a chance I may O "on time" aka CD20. The pink line is this cycle and the green is last cycle.

I was also a bad girl and took an OPK. I just wanted to see if there was any line at all, because if there wasn't then O'ing in the next few days is less likely. We there is a line, and it's pretty dark. Not dark enough for a positive but dark enough to know that something is going on. Even if I don't O in the next few days I think my body will have at least tried to and that is something.

Cycle 9 CD10 - Unhappy Anniversary

Creeper face!

The week since my loss has been.... long. I've had some bad days, some okay days, and some days where I swing from bad to okay and back again. I haven't had any good days yet but I'm sure they will come. I have tried to stay busy and that has worked decently. Friday we went to a homecoming festival thing for the school DH goes to/works at and I carved a Minecraft themed pumpkin and won $20 at trivia. Saturday we went out of town to see some friends from highschool and I had a really fun time playing Apples to Apples with them. Sunday we were going to go on a picnic with my older sister but there was a cold front due to the hurricane so we cancelled. She and her DH drove into town anyway and we went out to dinner which was nice. I finished my book, The Haunting of Hill House, and I thought it was pretty good but didn't care for the ending.

The 24th also marked our one year TTC anniversary. On one hand it was hard to deal with the loss and this milestone at the same time, but on the other it's nice to get it over with while I'm already in a sucky mood. Definitely had a little pity party for myself that despite being on fertility medications we have still made it to this point. Even if we didn't have documented issues we would be considered infertile now.

A few days ago I started to have some fertile CM which was pretty weird, being so early. I had pains on my left side similar to what I know now were O pains last cycle but were less intense. My temp even went up yesterday which made me think I had O'd already, on CD8! Remember that the last two cycles I didn't ovulate till CD20 and that was with the help of Clomid. My temp is back down this morning though so I guess it was a false alarm. I was going to get some progesterone to use just in case that was an issue with my pregnancy but I'm glad I decided to wait until I had crosshairs. If I had started it yesterday it could have screwed up this cycle even more. I am just taking it one day at a time and from now on will try not to analyze so much unless I actually do get crosshairs. Obviously that is easier said than done.

Cycle 9 CD4 - Best and Worst Day of My Life

I didn't blog last week because I was really ill, and being in the middle of the TWW there wasn't much to say anyway.

This week though I have some bad news.

Thursday morning (10DPO) I tested and got a really super faint line. I kept testing all weekend and got some BFNs and some BFMs (Big Fat Maybe). Finally on Sunday morning I got what I have been waiting so long for - a clear BFP with a faint but definitely pink second line. I was so over joyed. I had some very definite pregnancy symptoms along with the same TWW symptoms from last time. Starting on Friday I developed an aversion to meat. I knew food aversions were typical but I didn't know meat specifically was common. It made deciding on dinner quite difficult but it was worth it. Sunday morning I developed a strong sense of smell. I did not expect this as I never heard of that being a symptom before. I never actually vomited but I was nauseous and did dry heave a few times. Yay the joys of morning sickness! I was too happy to complain about any of this stuff.

Unfortunately Sunday afternoon I started bleeding. It was heartbreaking seeing that first streak of blood. I started crying and told my husband who urged me to call my doctor. Since she is also a family friend I have her cell phone number so I was able to call her directly despite it being Sunday. She said some bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but I could also be miscarrying. I was to go to the office in the morning and get betas done to check my numbers. The bleeding continued throughout the night and cramping would come and go as well.

Monday was so nerve wracking. I got my betas done about 11:30am and was told if the numbers were fine I would not get a call and I was to get more done on Wednesday. If it was bad news I would receive a call by the end of business day. In case of a threatened miscarriage I just sat in the recliner with my feet up and hung out with my mom and little sister for support.

My doctor called at about 4pm to break the news.

My mother knew what it meant if I received a call so as I was talking to Dr. E she let DH know so he could come home from work. He is taking it badly but at the same time trying to be strong for me. I didn't have the heart to tell anymore else. Thankfully my mother took it upon herself to notify my older sister and a few other people without me even asking her. I am very thankful for that.

She took us out to eat at a Mongolian Barbecue place that was very good. I had a mini break down at the table though because my symptoms had started to fade. I was eating meat. My aversion had gone away.

Today I am still devastated and heart broken. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out. I know it was only with us a short time and the heart hadn't even started beating yet but it was still my child. My child that was taken from me too soon and that I will never meet. Even if I get pregnant again nothing could replace this child.

DH and I talked about it and we will be NTNP (not trying, not preventing) this cycle. I am  not allowed to take Clomid again until my first AF after the loss and that is perfectly fine by me. I would take this cycle off completely but DH wants to get back on the horse. Even though it is hard for me to consider right now I know he is right and this is what I would have wanted to do in hindsight after my grief starts to fade. So he is saving me from that regret. I am still going to temp so I will know if I ovulated or not but I won't be using OPKs or anything like that.