From Left to Write: The Mapmaker's Children by Sarah McCoy

I received this book the Saturday before Mother's Day, and expected to use it as an escape from such a painful weekend. These plans were short sided as the book deals with the two issues I wished to escape: infertility and miscarriage. Suffice to say I put the book down for a while and have only recently found it in myself to pick it back up.

Again I found myself questioning, "Am I a mother?" Society, even most friends and family, would probably say no. Yet I carried a child with half my DNA (albeit briefly). All children have at least one mother and father. Who else would be this child's mother if not me? I love Jesse with a mother's love. I grieve like only a mother could. But yet, I different.

I am not parenting like all the other mothers. I am not raising my child with all the joy and heartache that entails. Being the mother of an angel is hard. Being the mother of a living child is also hard, but in a completely different way. The two are beyond compare.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a mother. I became a mother as soon as my egg met my husband's sperm and nothing, nothing can take that from me. But I am not a parent. I stopped being a parent the moment I got the fateful call from my OB saying my numbers had fallen below 5. I believe when most people think of mothers they are actually thinking of female parents. A small distinction, but an important one to a non-parenting mother (through death, adoption, estrangement, etc). I hope one day to be a parent again to another child, one who gets to live. Then maybe Mother's Day will be cause for celebration.

This post was inspired by The Mapmaker’s Children by Sarah McCoy, a novel about two women are connected by an Underground Railroad doll. Join From Left to Write on May 19th as we discuss The Mapmaker’s Children. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

From Left to Write: Spinster by Kate Bolick

My life has been very different from Kate's, seeing as I married my husband at the age of 21 and continue to have a happy marriage. Yet I didn't always think my life would turn out this way. I didn't date in high school and have never gone searching for love. It's quite a coincidence that I met my husband at all, and he had to work hard to convince me to date him!

I've written before (for another FL2W book) that I'm closer to being asexual than not. I have now heard a term I think suits me perfectly: demisexual. Basically it takes a deep emotional connection for me to feel attraction to someone. If you haven't read my previous post I would recommend it, as I don't want to spend too much time on that topic in this post.

Anyway I never knew being married would be in the cards for me, especially not so young. I've always seen myself as a future mother but not so much a wife. Funny how that worked out, isn't it? Married for 5 and a half years but still not parenting. I didn't feel the need for a man in my life and had a hard time picturing that for myself. I could have easily ended up an old cat lady librarian and thought there were worse fates.

Would I have been as happy? I don't know. Throughout the past few years I've relied heavily on my husband for emotional and financial support. There have been many times where my marriage felt like the only positive aspect of my life. Maybe without him I wouldn't even be here; my depression almost got the better of me even with his help. If in this hypothetical my health didn't deteriorate as it has I think I could have been happy living as a spinster. Maybe not as happy, but you can't miss what you've never known.

This post was inspired by Spinster by Kate Bolick, who explores singledom with famous women who fashioned life on their own terms. Join From Left to Writeon May 5th as we discuss Spinster. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

AlterWorld by D. Rus

From Goodreads:

A new pandemic - the perma effect - has taken over Earth of the near future. Whenever you play your favorite online game, beware: your mind might merge with the virtual world and dump its comatose host. Woe be to those stuck forever in Tetris! And still they're the lucky ones compared to those burning alive eternally within the scorched hulls of tank simulators.
But some unfortunates - the handicapped and the terminally ill, shell-shocked army vets, wronged crime victims and other society misfits - choose to flee real life willingly, escaping to the limitless world of online sword and sorcery MMORPGs.

Once a seasoned gamer and now a terminal cancer patient, Max grasps at this final chance to preserve his life and identity. So he goes for it - goes for the promise of immortality shared with a few trusty friends and the woman he loves. Together they roam the roads of AlterWorld and sample its agony and ecstasy born of absolute freedom.

This book interested me from two different perspectives. On one hand I'm a gamer, on the other I'm chronically ill. I may not be dying from any of my illnesses, but my quality of life is quite low because of them. Would I choose to enter an MMO for all eternity if I could? Honestly I'm not sure. Maybe, but probably only if my husband came with me. Said husband is busy playing an MMO as I type but he says he isn't sure either. If I could go back in time and ask my December 2013 self (one of the lowest times of my life) I know she would have said yes in a heart beat.

I enjoyed the blend of game description and plot in this story. At parts it was like listening to a friend describe his latest D&D adventures. We have equipment stats and ability descriptions that might be hard to follow for non-gamers, but are quite familiar to those who have rolled a d20 once or twice. Yet the book is only half game, intertwined is Max's new life with other very real people and problems. As you get farther into the story the immersion gets deeper until the end when you realize for some it is no longer a game at all.

I quite enjoyed this book and immediately upon finishing went to download it's sequel: The Clan. There is a third, The Duty, already out with the forth, Inferno, releasing June 20th. According to Goodreads there is a fifth and sixth planned for the series. I would give AlterWorld 5 stars and (so far) The Clan the same. I would recommend it to other gamers and non-gamers should give it a shot too!

From Left to Write: If I Fall, If I Die by Michael Christie

“It's not a prison if you've built it yourself... It's a fortress.”

Sometimes I think I'm developing agoraphobic tendencies. I spend almost all of my time Inside already, which would drive some people stir-crazy but not me. I may step Outside the back door when I let the dogs out, but I'm just as likely to watch them from the doorway. When I do go Outside it is with someone else, like my mother or my husband, which makes me feel safer. There are times when I could go to the store by myself (as I am not on any meds that keep me from driving) but I choose not to. Part of me is scared to drive when I am out of practice. Part of me is scared to go Outside alone. There was a time or two over a year ago that I actually had a panic attack about doing just that. 

I have social anxiety, sometimes quite severely. If I am alone there is a higher chance I will have to talk to someone; if my husband is there he can do the talking for me. I have a terrible sense of direction so part of me is scared of getting lost. As I said above, driving when I haven't for so long is frightening. What happens if I have a flare and can't drive myself home? Do I have valid reasons or am I just making excuses?

This is not something I've ever talked about before. It's a normal part of my life now to go Outside with an escort and I don't think about it much. Maybe I should. I have a therapist and I haven't even mentioned it to her! For now I am fine with going Outside as long as someone is with me, but how easily that could change. I wonder if I will ever be that girl who walked around Midtown Manhattan by herself again.

This post was inspired by the novel If I Fall, If I Die by Michael Christie,about a boy who's never been outside, thanks to his mother's agoraphobia, but ventures outside in order to solve a mystery. Join From Left to Write on January 22nd as we discuss If I Fall, If I Die. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Come, The Dark by Rebecca Hamilton Release Announcement and Giveaway

Thanks for stopping by to view this quick announcement on Rebecca Hamilton's latest release, COME, THE DARK, book 2 in the Forever Girl series. Although this book is the second in the series, it is a complete standalone following a completely new set of characters. And you can grab your copy today for only $0.99! Still apprehensive about reading the second book in a series? Well, you can grab the prequel, HER SWEETEST DOWNFALL, off kindle--Always Free--and on January 9th, THE FOREVER GIRL will be free also, for the first time ever! Worried you might forget the date? Join the mailing list using the option on the Rafflecopter below and you'll receive a reminder on January 9th to download your free copy anytime between January 9th and 13th!

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COME, THE DARK

by USA Today Bestselling Author, Rebecca Hamilton

Rose desperately wants to escape the abuse of the father who impregnated her and the dark spirits that haunt her life. Being thrust from Georgia 1961 into the era of Salem’s infamous witch trials isn’t what she had in mind, and now her daughter is left hopelessly out of reach.

The only way to return to her daughter is by facing certain death to banish the dark spirits that plague Salem. If she doesn’t eliminate these dark spirits in time, they will destroy civilization and trap her in this strange new place, ages away from her daughter.

Even if she can complete the task in time to return home to save her daughter, there’s still one problem: she’s falling in love with a man who can’t return with her. Achieving her goals will force her to choose between the only man who has never betrayed her and a daughter she can’t quite remember but will never forget.

A heart-wrenching tale of a mother’s love for her daughter, this romantic paranormal fantasy underlines the depravity of both historical and modern society while capturing the essence of sacrifice and devotion.

TRIGGER WARNING: This book deals with the sensitive subject of sexual abuse.

Buy Now for $0.99

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THE FOREVER GIRL

by USA Today Bestselling Author, Rebecca Hamilton

NOW OPTIONED FOR FILM!

At twenty-two, practicing Wiccan Sophia Parsons is scratching out a living waiting tables in her Rocky Mountain hometown, a pariah after a string of unsolved murders with only one thing in common: her.

Sophia can imagine lots of ways to improve her life, but she'd settle for just getting rid of the buzzing noise in her head. When the spell she casts goes wrong, the static turns into voices. Her personal demons get company, and the newcomers are dangerous. One of them is a man named Charles, who Sophia falls for despite her better judgment. He has connections that might help her unveil the mystery surrounding her ancestor's hanging, but she gets more than she bargains for when she finally decides to trust him. The Forever Girl is a full-length Paranormal Fantasy novel that will appeal to lovers of paranormal romance, urban fantasy, witches, vampires, ghosts, paranormal mystery, and paranormal horror.

View Now on Amazon

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*** a Rafflecopter giveaway ***

About the Author

Rebecca Hamilton is a USA Today Bestselling Paranormal Fantasy author who also dabbles in Horror and Literary Fiction. She lives in Florida with her husband and four kids. She enjoys dancing with her kids to television show theme songs and would love the beach if it weren’t for the sand. Having a child diagnosed with autism has inspired her to illuminate the world through the eyes of characters who see things differently. She is represented by Rossano Trentin of TZLA and has been published internationally, in three languages. You can follow her on twitter @InkMuse

What is a Forever Girl?

Thanks for stopping by!

Review: City of Stairs by Robert Jackson Bennett

"Forgetting... is a beautiful thing. When you forget, you remake yourself... For a caterpillar to become a butterfly, it must forget it was a caterpillar at all. Then it will be as if the caterpillar never was & there was only ever a butterfly. "

For some reason I'm finding it hard to review this book. It was good, I enjoyed it a lot. Robert Jackson Bennett expertly weaved together fantasy and mystery while also being a master at world building. The characters where done well and Sigrud, Shara's secretary/henchman, was amazing. The plot was compelling and I would recommend it to other fantasy and mystery lovers. However I am finding it hard to put into words why I like it. Maybe it is my brain fog getting the best of me. After reading City of Stairs I would definitely read more from this author. 

I received this book from the Blogging for Books program in exchange for this review. It is available for sale in both paperback and kindle form at Amazon.

Review: Doctor Who: Silhouette by Justin Richards

You may know I am a member of the From Left to Write book club and sometimes post not really review reviews based on books. Well I've now signed up for Blogging for Books and will occasionally be posting reviews for them too! These will be more traditional reviews than the FL2W ones.

"You have made us do terrible things."

"I have made you into a weapon, my dear. Weapons do terrible things. That is rather the point of them."

Silhouette takes place in Victorian London with my favorite people: the Paternoster Gang. Give these guys a spin-off and I will watch every episode! A power spike gets the Doctor's attention and they, along with Clara, try to discover who is behind that, as well as a string of murders. 

This is the first Doctor Who book I've read. I still haven't seen any of season 8 so I can't comment on how well they portray Twelve's character. It seems like it's done fairly well as I can picture Peter Capaldi in my head. I didn't like Clara very much in Season 7 and I think it may be because I didn't want her to be Eleven's new love interest. I liked her a lot better in the book so I hope I will in the new season too.

Strax was excellent. He had me cracking up in nearly every scene he was in! I even found myself reaching for a highlighter to highlight his quotes. In one he says, "I have a comrade who tells me that once one has eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must also be eliminated." In another he says he has dehydrated water in his field kit! Dehydrated water! He was perfect. Vastra and Jenny were well done too, but I think their characters are a bit flatter than Strax even in the show.

Overall it was an easy read. It wasn't serious literature by any means, but I didn't expect it to be. Some things were predictable but there were a few surprises. Silhouette would be a wonderful book for reading by the pool, on an airplane, etc. I read most of it while waiting on doctors and that worked out well. I'm happy I chose this book and would recommend it to other Doctor Who fans.

I received this book from the Blogging for Books program in exchange for this review. It is available for sale in both paperback and kindle form at Amazon.

From Left to Write: The Goddess of Small Victories by Yannick Grannec

So I know I'm super duper late with this post, but I finally feel up to writing it! And I have at least two more blog posts in my head I need to find time to do after this... I still haven't finished the book, but I feel like I've read enough to post about it.

The Goddess of Small Victories is about Kurt Gödel, a famous mathematical logician and philosopher, as seen through the eyes of his wife Adele. The story starts in 1980 with Adele in a nursing home, reluctantly opening up to Anna who was sent to befriend her by some historians who want access to her husband's archives. From then on every other chapter is told from Anna's perspective, and the others from Adele's point of view as she meets and falls in love with Kurt in the 1930's.

One thing that is mentioned often enough is that Kurt and Adele have no live children, Adele having miscarried their only child not long after they were married. This obviously struck a chord with me as I can see myself in a similar position. I doubt one day historians will be as interested in the life of my husband (not that I think he's boring or anything) but it's very possible we could remain childless throughout our lives. It's something that hurts to think about, especially this time of year.

I have a few friends who are childfree by choice. When people find out they don't want children they get questions like: "But who will take care of you when you're old?" I know for them it can be as annoying as people asking infertiles why they don't just adopt! Even if you have live children, there is no guarantee they will look after you in your old age. Even if they pay for your care they might not visit often. Without kids there are still options, like nieces and nephews, godchildren, family friends, but it is still something that I think about.

Wanting children for me isn't just about having a cute baby to dress up and cuddle. It is about a lifetime of interactions. Being with them in their first moments of life until the last moments of mine. A childless life isn't inherently worse or better than one with children, it just depends on your personal wants and desires. Adele doesn't seem to mourn the absence of children the way I would. I can't even comprehend how much I would lose out on by not having children in one way or another. Reading about someone without children at the end of her life reminds me that this dream is still worth fighting for.

This post was inspired by The Goddess of Small Victories by Yannick Grannec, a novel about brilliant mathematician Kurt Gödel as told from his ex-cabaret dancer wife’s perspective. Join From Left to Write on October 16th as we discuss The Goddess of Small Victories. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

From Left to Write: The Underground Girls of Kabul by Jenny Nordberg

I feel lucky to have grown up in this country, in this time period, with my mom. I never felt pressured to act like my gender or give it up completely. I could play with my tonka trucks and ninja turtles in a frilly Easter dress, or ride my bike in heels. I could play with barbies and my toy kitchen wearing pants and a plaid shirt. I could cut my hair or leave it long, whichever I preferred.

I spent a lot of my teenage years with teenage boys and felt like "one of the guys" without having to discard my gender and literally become one of the guys. I spent countless days alone with one or more boys, often in their bedrooms, without it impacting my reputation. And I didn't need to pretend I was also a boy to do so! When I started dating my husband he could ask me about my sexual history (or lack thereof) directly and believe me even if there had been gossip saying otherwise.

One woman in the book states that it is the wish of ever Afghan woman to have been born a man. When the biggest difference between men and women is freedom who can blame them? I too have often wished I had been born a man but for completely different reasons. So many of my health problems throughout the years have been female exclusive. If I was a man I would not have PCOS or endometriosis. I wouldn't menstruate at all, let alone as heavily and painfully as I do. My weight probably wouldn't have shot up as soon as I hit puberty and it would be easier to maintain or lose whatever weight I did gain. I wouldn't have a dildocam shoved up one of my orifices several times a year or need multiple surgeries to burn and cut off the tissue that causes terrible pain more days than not.

If becoming a bacha posh could have saved me from this I would have done it in a heartbeat, and in that way I can understand why these girls do it. Really I think, more than wanting to have been born a man, we wish being born a woman would not be so disadvantageous. More than once Afghanistan has been ruled by groups wanting to bring feminism to the middle east, and yet so little has changed. If you think about it not much time has passed since our own country has become more female friendly. I must have hope that one day things will change for them, and for me.

This post was inspired by The Underground Girls of Kabul by journalist Jenny Nordberg, who discovers a secret Afghani practice where girls are dressed and raised as boys. Join From Left to Write on September 16th as we discuss The Underground Girls of Kabul. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

From Left to Write: Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore

My sister was born when I was 11 years old. We didn't know it then but her brain had been damaged, she had dyslexia, she was autistic, and had a worse case of eczema than I ever did. As a baby it was almost a full time job to keep her from scratching off all her skin. Sometimes we failed and went to the ER over raw and bloody knees. They didn't know about her other problems yet, you see, so we were told when as she got older (and more self aware) things would get easier.

She was not a planned pregnancy. My parents fought constantly, in short because my dad's a sociopath. When they fought I would pick my sister up, hold her, and tell her she was loved. It wasn't her fault. She was safe.

Three years later our old sister ran away under the influence of her emotionally abusive boyfriend-now-husband. That just added additional stress to family life and I felt even more responsible for my little sister. By now we were starting to notice developmental problems, although I can't remember if she was in speech and occupational therapy yet. I was beginning to feel motherly instincts, in fact taking care of my sister is what made me want to be a mother someday. I would take her for walks in her stroller sometimes and once someone asked if I was her mother. I was a bit appalled seeing as I was 14 and not even interested in boys, but that moment has stuck with me all these years.

Jump another three years and my parents are finally getting divorced. My sister has started school and things are not going so well. My mother had been a SAHM pretty much my whole life, but would be returning to work now that my dad was gone. Over the next year or two we'd try different things as far as child care went. Sometimes I would watch her after school or on weekends if my mom had to work, sometimes she would go to the Boys and Girls Club, sometimes she would go to other after school programs.

Eventually it became my job to watch her, and I mean that literally. I became certified through DCF as a home daycare able to watch up to three children, and because we were poor my mom got a voucher to pay for part of my sister's daycare costs. Basically the state paid me to watch my sister. I'm sure that sounds silly or even fraudulent to some people, but remember my sister has special needs. Me watching her is what we deemed best for her and for us. I couldn't work and watch her so it all worked out. This only lasted a couple years, though I've been my mom's primary back-up ever since.

Soon we realized traditional public school was not working for my sister. She couldn't read. She had an IEP and was continuing therapy but there wasn't much else the school could do. She was held back in first grade but we were told they couldn't keep her there forever. She was going to be passed through the grades until she "graduated" whether she could read or not. So my mom made the decision to home school her.

Thankfully it's worked out quite well. She's not homeschooled in a traditional sense with workbooks and such. I think the term most often used in unschooled. For my sister to learn something she has to care about it. You can go over the revolutionary war a million times, but until she cares about it she won't remember. So sometimes they go on trips to places were things happened. They find a book series she loves and she has slowly learned to read thanks to Percy Jackson. She's still not on grade level but she can get by. She learns math through video games. If she wants to buy this mount and she has this much gold, how much more does she need? If she can earn this much gold through this activity everyday, how many days will it take to earn enough for the mount? It's not calculus but it's enough to get by.

I'm really proud of how far she's come despite her limitations. I'm glad I could be a part of it. She's much more independent now, but we're still closer than I think we would be if I hadn't been such a big part of her life growing up. I don't resent her for needing me, for taking away some of my youth. I'm thankful we got to spend that time together. Don't get me wrong, like all little siblings sometimes she's annoying and needy and wants me to do things for her that I know she can do herself. I didn't always want to be responsible for her, sometimes I just wanted some time away. But I love her and I will always cherish being her big sister.

This post was inspired by Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore, a novel that exposes the gothic underbelly of an American dynasty, and an outsider’s hunger to belong. Join From Left to Write on May 20 we discuss Bittersweet. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

From Left to Write: Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan

I'm white. Like, really white. We once went to Pensacola (which is about 2 hours away) and the side of my body next to the window got sunburned. When I bleached my hair every single one of my family members exclaimed "Wow, you look like an albino!" the first time they saw me. I thought it was coordinated but it wasn't. I have to put on sunscreen before walking the dogs. If we are going to some outdoor function I can put on sunscreen 5 times throughout and I'll still get sunburned. No one is surprised to find out I'm part Irish.

My husband is not white. We aren't sure what happened there because all of his family is, but somehow he turned out brown. Could be some recessive gene thing or maybe his mom cheated, but we don't know and probably never will. Obviously we don't know what he "is" so he gets to check the other box!

Since we in an interracial marriage this has had some consequences. One of my friend's husbands told him that in the LDS religion they believe his skin is brown because his ancestors were cursed. For real, not making that up. He's noticed he gets strange looks sometimes when we are out together. My grandparents weren't especially pleased about it. One of the reasons it's easy for me to be for marriage equality is because not long ago my own marriage wouldn't have been legal.

I love seeing us together though, especially our hands intertwined. It's like yin and yang. I used to daydream about how our kids would look, a beautiful combination of dark and light. Being genetically related to our children isn't super important to me, but I wanted that. There is a chance that we could adopt a biracial child or embryo but it's not a guarantee. We would probably have to wait longer for one to become available, especially since we don't even know what ancestry to ask for when it comes to Josh. Mexican? Polynesian? Middle Eastern? This is just one more thing infertility has taken from us.

This post was inspired by the novel Dad Is Fat by comedian Jim Gaffigan who riffs on his adventures co-parenting 5 kids in a two bedroom Manhattan apartment. Join From Left to Write on April 22 we discuss Dad Is Fat. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes

Review: My Little Soldiers by Glenn Barden

One unequivocal fact about the infertility scene online is that it's dominated by women. It makes sense; we're the ones who do most of the testing and treatments, we're the ones who can symptom spot, and for the most part we don't mind analyzing sticks other women have peed on. But this is not just our journey, most of us have a man beside us every step of the way. It affects them too and I think a lot of the time we don't realize how much. Being able to see inside a man's head is one of the reasons I loved reading My Little Soldiers by Glenn Barden.

When I was first approached to read this the idea of it being a comedy made me a bit wary. Infertility is not joke and I didn't want to feel laughed at Thankfully my fears were unfounded. A lot of times it's funny in an inside joke kind of way. I can laugh about dildo cams and nasty fertility smoothies because I've been there. Other times the humor doesn't necessarily have anything to do with infertility at all, it's just part of Mike's character. There are a few very serious scenes (as you might expect) and their serious nature is respected. The author doesn't let comedy take away from the heavy topics the nature of this book requires.

Since we've started down this journey it's become painfully obvious that the media doesn't know what it's talking about when it comes to adoption, loss, and infertility. It can become frustrating to be watching TV or reading a book and see them get everything so very wrong. Sometimes they even make things up out of the blue that has no basis in fact at all (I'm looking at you, House of Cards)! I haven't run the full gamut of fertility treatments but what I have experienced rings true. What I've learned from infertility blogs and forums seems to match the description of what I haven't experienced in the book. It even includes a little bit of history regarding treatments and those who developed them along the way. For this reason I think this would be a valuable book not only for infertiles but their friends and family or anyone who doesn't want to remain ignorant of what we go through. And speaking of friends and family, My Little Soldiers does a remarkable job of portraying interactions with fertile people. Unsolicited advice is unsolicited for a reason!

Reading this book made me reevaluate my husband's outward appearance of strength and detachment. For a while now I have been contemplating giving the baby we lost a name. It's been a year and a half since I miscarried and now seems an odd time to name him or her but I think it would help me. I think my child deserves a name. I was scared to bring it up to my husband because what if he thinks it's silly? I still think about our child every single day but what if he doesn't? What if he rejects the notion and calls it ridiculous? I really don't give him enough credit. We talked about it and agreed. We haven't settled on a name yet, but we will - together. This is his journey too and he's just as invested as I am.

Disclosure: I received a free copy of this book for review purposes but all thoughts are my own.

Two Month Anniversary

Yesterday marked two months since my lupron shot! Hopefully this means the worst is behind us now. I get my second shot next month, I think right around my birthday (the 6th), and I'm hoping it won't be a repeat of my first month this time around. It's already in my system and the baby maker has been shut down so I shouldn't have to go through that awful transition phase, right? Lord I hope so.

As I mentioned in my punday post things are ever so slowly starting to improve. I finally stopped bleeding at the end of January which was a huge relief. Since then I've noticed a slight improvement in pain. I'm having less moments where no matter what I feel like I'm going to die (or hope that I would already). I've spaced out my prescription pain meds a bit but still need 800mg ibuprofen on top of that. I'm halfway through a book which is awesome because before I felt so terrible all the time I couldn't concentrate on reading. I've sat out the last few From Left to Write books but finger's crossed I can sign up for the one in April.

Little Sister's 15th birthday party is on Saturday and I am a bit worried about that. Anytime I come out of sloth mode I pay for it later. Yesterday I decided to use my pedal exerciser for two sets of 15 minutes at a very relaxed pace and can tell it's definitely taken a toll today. I'm quite introverted so being around people can be exhausting all by itself, never mind doing stuff. I've finally gained some ground and I'm afraid of backsliding. Also as I mentioned before Older Sister will be there and I'm not looking forward to that. Josh's birthday is three days later but I think we're just going to go to dinner so it shouldn't be too bad.

My newly pregnant friend that I wrote about before is still doing well. They officially have a heartbeat! I'm still excited for them and not feeling jealous. This is the best I've taken a pregnancy in years, actually. I hope they are able to come to the party but I also hope I don't accidently let the cat out of the bag since they haven't announced yet!

If you've visited the blog recently you may have noticed something is wrong with my blog design. There is some kind of bug with the template and it won't let me fix it. I'll basically have to start over and put a new generic template on the blog and then edit it to a new design. I'm not sure when I'll feel up to doing it but this is just a heads up in case you visit and it looks funky lol. I think I'm going to change it from blue and pink for babies to orange since that goes with my blog name.

From Left to Write: Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin

Sometimes objects and belongings become more than what they seem. Your grandmother's bracelet, a souvenir from your favorite vacation spot, the outfit your baby wore home from the hospital, we don't keep these things because of their inherent value. We keep them because they are physical memories. We can't siphon our memories from our minds into a pensieve unfortunately, being muggles and all, but we can infuse objects with them to be triggered later.

My husband and I met on the internet. At the time we lived about 7 1/2 hours away from each other. I remember the first time he came up to visit me. Seeing him with my own eyes wasn't what I expected. There were no fireworks or angels singing, it just felt right. Like home. I didn't run and jump into his arms and then spend the weekend in a crazy whirlwind of romance. We went to Walmart because he forgot something important like his deodorant or toothbrush.

While we were checking out I noticed some chocolate Skittles, which were new at the time. Skittles happen to be one of my favorite candies so he offered to buy them for me. I wasn't hungry so I put them in my purse for later. The thing is, I never did eat them. I just forgot about them while he was here and couldn't bear to eat them once he had left. They were the first thing he had ever bought me.

I still have them. They expired in January 2008. They sit on a shelf next to my I Love Lucy memorabilia and paperclip collection. Technically they are worthless now and should really be thrown out considering how old they are but they are irreplaceable to me. I see them and smile about how far we've come and remind myself not to take my husband for granted. Once there was an expiration date on our time together, but there's not anymore and for that I am thankful.

This post was inspired by Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin where she runs a nine month experiment to create happier surroundings. Join From Left to Write on January 6 we discuss Happier at Home. You can also chat live with Gretchen Rubin on January 7 on Facebook! As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

The Cartographer of No Man's Land.... again

It took me a while to finish this, not because the book is tiresome but due to my own recent troubles. I almost didn't sign up for it through From Left to Write as I intended to participate in NaNoWriMo this month but I'm glad I was persuaded to do so. I've already posted my thoughts inspired by the book, but after finishing it I wanted to do more of a proper review as well.

Description: From a hardscrabble fishing village in Nova Scotia to the collapsing trenches of France, a richly atmospheric debut novel about a family divided by World War I.

When adventurous Ebbin goes missing at the front in 1916, Angus defies his pacifist upbringing to join the war and search for his beloved brother-in-law. With his navigation experience, Angus is assured a position as a cartographer in London. But upon arriving overseas he is instead sent directly into the trenches, where he experiences the visceral shock of battle. Meanwhile, at home, his perceptive son Simon Peter must navigate escalating hostility in a fishing village torn by grief and a rising suspicion of anyone expressing less than patriotic enthusiasm for the war.

With the intimacy of The Song of Achilles and the epic scope of The Invisible Bridge, The Cartographer of No Man’s Land offers a lyrical and lasting portrayal of World War I and the lives that were forever changed by it, both on the battlefield and at home.

This is historical fiction at it's finest. The characters may not be real, but it's easy to believe they could have been. It's refreshing to read an account of The Great War from a Canadian perspective, we Americans can tend to be a bit ethnocentric. I loved the parallels between Angus and Paul oversees and Mr. Heist and Simon Peter back home. I'm amazed that even though the premise was Angus going to look for his brother-in-law, in the end it seemed as if the book wasn't about that. His search and what he found seemed almost a side story to the realities of war. I would recommend to anyone to enjoys historical fiction, and possibly even to those who don't.

I did received a copy of this book for review purposes, but all thoughts are my own. You can get your own copy here through Amazon.

From Left to Write: The Cartographer of No Man's Land by P.S. Duffy

This book feels quite timely considering Veteran's/Remembrance Day was just a few days ago. I normally don't consider myself a lucky or fortunate person considering the present state of my existence, but I know in one way I am. I have never had a close friend or family member die in the line of duty. In fact, no one I'm close to has even gone to war while I was alive.

My maternal grandpa was in WWII but that was obviously well before I was alive. I think he was a cook or something. He's missing a few of his fingers but that was actually an on the job accident not related to the service. No one really talks about his time in the military but from what I understand he was never hurt or anything.

I have a cousin who is in the National Guard but I don't think he's ever been deployed. I have a step-cousin who is in the Marines (I think) and I don't really know what her situation is. Josh's brother was in the Navy but according to him, "he was just hanging out on carriers and stuff". My sister almost joined the Air Force during an off period with her on-and-off husband but she didn't, thank god. A few friends have husbands in the military but as far as I know none of them have left the states. Thinking about it I'm surprised I don't know more people who are/were in the military, since there are two bases in my county.

I am thankful I've never had to wait with bated breath for a letter from a loved one. I've never worried about someone showing up at my door with bad news. I've never seen a casualty report on the news and wondered if my friend or family member was okay. I've never had someone go missing. I never have to go months without seeing my husband. In this I am lucky.

This post was inspired by The Cartographer of No Man's Land: A Novel by P.S. Duffy. Angus enlists in the Nova Scotia WWI regiment and travels Europe to search for his missing in action best friend and brother-in-law. Along the way Angus discovers more than he ever wanted to know.Join From Left to Write on November 14 as we discuss The Cartographer of No Man’s Land. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

From Left to Write: The Funeral Dress by Susan Gregg Gilmore

Could I steal a baby? That's what I was asking myself throughout this book, especially near the end. Could I decide to keep a baby left temporarily in my care, and hide it from the mother? If she got the baby back, could I involve CPS to get the baby officially taken from the mother? I don't think I could.

Once my mother saw a baby carrier sitting by itself and was tempted to bring it home to us. Thankfully the carrier had been left but there was no baby inside. Even if there was a baby and she did bring it to us I think I'd have to report it abandoned and hope they let us keep it. I mean you can't just start treating a baby as your own when you have no birth certificate, no social security number, no name. Eventually you'll have to tell people these things and it'll be obvious the baby isn't really yours.

Remember a while back I talked briefly about a family member in an abusive relationship? Well I just found out she's pregnant. Wouldn't be surprised if she did it on purpose to try and fix her marriage and her relationship with us. I fear for that baby, I really do. When everything was going down we thought what a blessing there are no kids involved! It's just not the kind of situation you should bring a child into. I won't lie, I wish I could take the baby from her. We may not be perfect but neither of us are abusive and it would be a much more stable home life. Right or wrong I feel like I deserve a child more than she does. I know the baby stealers in The Funeral Dress felt similarly. But could I actually take the baby and work it prove to the state we should have it instead? I don't think so. All I can do is hope she comes to her senses and leaves his sorry butt for good.

There are two couples who struggled with infertility in the book and I'd like to think I'm more similar to the other one. Instead of trying to take the baby as their own they opened their home to both mother and child, taking on a more grandparent type roll. We've opened our home to the pregnant family member before, but right now we won't be doing it again. Not if he kicks her out, at least. Not at first. If she were to stand her ground and leave him I think we would. We would be so happy she finally "got it" and would dote on that baby like you couldn't believe! Her baby can never take away the pain of not having our own, and while sometimes it might be triggering I think it would be worth it. If he kicks her out again and it becomes apparent he is not willing to father a child and will not be taking her back, I think we would offer her a place to stay if she hadn't found someplace better already. There are other people she could stay with in the meantime so they wouldn't be homeless.

If in 20 years from now we are still childless, or even if we aren't, and a young family member or friend needed our help (and they weren't in an on and off relationship) I'd like to think we'd take them in without hesitation. I can't really say what we'd do for sure since we've never been in that situation, but I know we wouldn't force her to give her baby to us. Adoption is certainly something on our minds but the birth mom would have to be okay with it.

No one has ever entrusted impoverished Emmalee with anything important but she takes it upon herself to sew her mentor’s resting garment in The Funeral Dress by Susan Gregg Gilmore. Join From Left to Write on October 15 as we discuss The Funeral Dress. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

From Left to Write: Raising My Rainbow by Lori Duron

This post was inspired by the memoir Raising My Rainbow by Lori Duron as she shares her journey raising a gender creative son. Join From Left to Write on September 5 as we discuss Raising My Rainbow. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review.

I really enjoyed this book. It was a fairly easy read which I appreciated considering how sick I've been. Lori started off blogging about her son before she wrote the book, which I obviously think is awesome because bloggers are cool. It also means that their story doesn't end with the book, with C.J. going into kindergarten, because I can just follow her blog right now!

As far as my own story goes, I think I'm going to share with you today something I've never really talked about with anyone - not even my husband. Like C.J. I grew up different, although thankfully I didn't realize how different until I was an adult married to my husband. It's generally believed that sexuality is a spectrum with gay on one end and straight on the other. What most people probably don't realize is there is a second spectrum, one that determines whether you are even sexual at all. On one end I suppose you'd have people who are attracted to a vast array of people, who feel the need to be in romantic relationships all the time, and may or may not enjoy casual sex. On the other end are people who aren't attracted to anyone, who have no desire to be in a romantic relationship, and would rather remain celibate their whole lives. People like Sheldon Cooper, for example. People at one end are called sexual and people at the other are called asexual. I'm sure most of you can see where this is going.

I am in a romantic relationship with my husband. Historically this blog has focused on our quest for children, so yes we do have sex. I am attracted to him, although I think my attraction is much different than that of "normal" people as it doesn't have much to do with how he looks. He does have some amazing eyelashes though. Because of this and the few other men I've "like-liked" (as the kids used to say) I'm not sure I'm comfortable labeling myself as asexual. Since I've learned about this concept I've refused to label myself. I suppose maybe because by thinking of myself as asexual I become The Other rather than just weird. It opens me up to possible backlash. Now that I'm married and plan to stay that way, does it really matter? I am about 99% sure had I known about this distinction as a child I would have been thankful for the label. As Lori says in the book, regarding an incident on the playground where another child tried to make fun of C.J.:

When Chase [C.J.'s older brother] didn't react the way Kyle expected, when he gave C.J.'s behavior a legit name and then not a second thought, the power shifted back into our favor. When we unabashedly own our differences, we shed our weakness and cloak ourselves in power.

 Thankfully I did not grow up with the kid of bullying a homosexual, gender nonconforming,  transgender, etc child would face. For the most part people care more about who you love than if you love at all. Mostly I just felt left out and got accused of lying, at least in elementary and middle school. Girls would get together and discuss who they had a crush on or which celebrities were super fine. I had nothing to add to these conversations. Over my whole life the people I had a crush on could probably be counted on one hand. I've had a total of one celebrity crush, Sean Biggerstaff who played Oliver Wood in the Harry Potter movies. I'm already a shy introvert so feeling left out of the group didn't help any. When I was included I was often accused of lying and not trusting my friends as much as I should. They told me who they liked, why I couldn't I tell them? My friends were often offended by this seeming lack of trust. They couldn't wrap their heads around the idea that no, I really didn't like anyone. There were a few instances where I did lie to them, by pretending to have a crush on someone so they'd get off my back.

Once I got into high school things changed somewhat. Some parents had rules where you couldn't date before then so me not having a boyfriend was more accepted. In high school it's harder to use that excuse to turn down suitors. I got teased more and I still had friends who thought I was lying and didn't trust them. Occasionally I even had people call me asexual as a slur. Not because they knew there was a name for not being romantically/sexually inclined, but to insinuate that I was less than human and could asexually reproduce. To say I was a freak. I also had people both in high school and before say I was a lesbian and that's why I didn't want to tell people who I had a crush on.

It was upsetting, especially since I didn't know what was going on myself. I kept waiting to be normal, like my brain hadn't gone through puberty the same time the rest of me did, like I was just behind the rest of the kids and not different. I got better at pretending, as if practice makes perfect. I might never see a guy walking through the mall and think he has a cute bum, but I could kind of figure out what features my friends were attracted to and play along.

There were a handful of people I did develop a crush on over the years, but they all had one thing in common: I was friends with them first. I valued their presence in my life and it seemed like they accepted me for who I was. I dated a couple of them and even thought I was in love once, only to realize I wasn't really after truly falling in love with my husband. It's kind of funny really, because it seemed like me being romantically involved made some of my family and friends uncomfortable. I'm glad they became okay with me not being interested for the most part, but it was still kind of frustrating. I remember hanging out with three or four male friends, and somehow they started talking about hymens and how it hurts and bleeds when a woman loses her virginity. I pipped in saying that's not true for everyone and you should have seen their faces! They looked at me like, "who are you and what have you done with Tasha? Because she most definitely knows nothing about sex and is probably going to be a nun." It was like them thinking I may have had sex completely destroyed their world view. In reality I was a virgin and have never been with anyone but my husband, but I knew that I and a few other friends had broken our hymens other ways such as horseback riding and swimming.

Anyway now that I'm married it's not much of an issue. I still feel left out of some conversations pertaining to celebrity crushes, but that doesn't happen often. My husband thinks it's quite weird that my attraction to people or lack thereof has basically nothing to do with looks, but we don't talk about it often. I'm glad to know now that there isn't anything wrong with me. I may be different, but this is a real sexual preference that approximately 1% of the population identifies with. If you would like to learn more about it, there is a documentary called Asexual that at one time was on Netflix and may still be. I'd also be open to answering any questions you may have, or at least attempt to!

Remember, commenting on this post makes you eligible for 5 entries into my HPT/OPK giveaway, but you are not counted automatically. Go here to claim your entries!

From Left To Write: The Execution of Noa P. Singleton by Elizabeth L. Silver

In tenth grade I was questioned by the secret service and local police about threatening to kill the president. This is a true story. 

I like to think I was a good kid and still am a decent adult. I got A's in school, never got detention, didn't really go through a rebellious phase as a teenager (I got that over with as a preschooler). For the most part I follow the law except for a particular stop sign where I usually only yield. I may have pirated a few things. I'm not a violent person, I rarely got in trouble, and when I did it was over something small. So of course everyone was pretty shocked when the secret service showed up at my house. 

I was in the marching band all through highschool but other than that I was homeschooled. We lost our band director, and our replacement was literally right out of college. He was supposed to be the assistant band director and looking back now I don't really blame him for being a giant jerk face. He didn't know what he was doing and I know it must have been difficult trying to get us to respect someone only a few years older than us. He went the dictator route and made our lives miserable. 

We had a club just for band students that did fundraising and put on a Christmas party every year and probably other stuff I don't remember. The year we got the new band director was the year I was supposed to be initiated into the club but everything sort of fell apart. I noticed it was getting kind of late in the year and we hadn't had any meetings or anything. I wouldn't say I'm a natural leader but if I notice no one is leading or the leader is doing a sucky job I feel compelled to step up. So I started questioning those who I knew were in the club the year before. Nobody even knew who the officers were. I decided well, I'll just throw new elections! I was never really in a school club before (homeschooled) so I was kind of like our new band director in that I didn't really know what I was doing. But I got people to come to a meeting and hold elections, even if it made the band director upset because I didn't do it "right". It was very important to me to have the annual Christmas party to try and lift spirits and maintain a sense of normalcy. I orchestrated a fundraiser of a handful of us playing Christmas music outside Walmart pretty much by myself. Apparently before you do a fundraiser like that there's all this red tape you have to go through that I didn't know about, so again I'm on the band directors bad side. I'm a pest who just won't leave well enough alone. 

The problem is it wasn't just the band director, it was the Band Booster president too. Band Boosters are kind of like the PTA for band I guess? Anyway she didn't like me. I was trying to make things as nice and normal for everyone as I could and wasn't afraid to speak up about it if I thought something should change. One day when we were practising for the Christmas concert this got me in trouble. I can't remember exactly what happened, but she asked us to do something I thought we shouldn't have to do. Everyone was really irritated about it. I went to her and conveyed everyone's feelings as respectfully as I could and asked if we could come up with another solution. She was... not very nice about it. What does this have to do with the secret service? I promise I'm getting to that!

I went home and that night or the next day I vented about it on my Xanga (an old social networking site). I didn't use any bad language, I didn't make any threats, I was just frustrated. Apparently somehow her psycho daughter found out about it. A day or so later I was instant messaging a friend who somehow found out said psycho daughter was on her way to my house with two or three big dudes to basically make me regret my words. I quickly went around making sure all the doors and windows were locked before they got there. When they did I told them to leave through the door. Instead she pounded on the door yelling obscenities. I called the police.  

A few days after that I see a black Lincoln with patriotic vanity plates pull up in the driveway. Some very serious looking dudes got out and knocked on the door. I didn't know if it was the police following up on what happened or what. Turns out it was the police but they weren't there about that, and the secret service was with them. You can't imagine my shock when they introduced themselves, said they wanted to ask me some questions, and told me to call my parents which weren't home at the time. That was an awkward phone call. I pretty much started crying immediately. 

They got a tip that I was making threats against the POTUS and came to check it out. The "threat" in question was posted on my Xanga way in the spring. My friends had been making bucket lists and I had written a clearly marked mock list of my own. One of the things on the list was assassinate a presidential candidate. It was accompanied by 29 other outrageous things like marry a hippo and was obviously a joke. This was 2004 and that summer (after making this list) I attended W's local rally and didn't cause any problems. Still they came, questioned me, searched my house, my computer, and made it clear they don't find such jokes funny. I was told I could be charged with a felony. It was incredibly scary. Thankfully I wasn't charged with anything as they decided I wasn't a threat but I'm sure my name is still on a list somewhere. Sometimes I'll look up at the sky and wave to the satellites. If any of my friends say anything in jest I'll say, "They didn't mean it, secret service dudes! It was only a joke!" just in case haha. 

After we calmed down from the shock of it all we decided either the daughter or the mom gave the tip to get back at me for calling the cops. The timing was too close to be a coincidence. I made the choice to switch schools (well bands) as that one had become too toxic. You bet I'm much more careful of what I post online nowadays. Earlier this year Cameron D'Ambrosio was arrested and jailed without bail for over a month due to a similar post on Facebook. He was thankfully released when a grand jury decided not to indict him on felony charges. It's really frightening to know that could have been me. 

This post was inspired by the novel The Execution of Noa P. Singleton by Elizabeth L. Silver. Mere months before Noa’s execution, her victim’s mother changed her mind about Noa’s sentence and vows to help stay the execution. Join From Left to Write on July 30 as we discuss The Execution of Noa P. Singleton.. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Writers of the Future Volume 29 Review and Giveaway

Turn the page…open your eyes...and look into the future

They unleash the power of dreams and unlock the secrets of the universe.

They bend time, twist perception, and put a new spin on the laws of physics.

They show us who we are, what we may become, and how far we can go.

They are the Writers of the Future.

Experience their vision.

“Keep the Writers of the Future going. It’s what keeps sci-fi alive.” —ORSON SCOTT CARD

Writers of the Future Volume 29 officially releases today, and in honor of it's release I've been given the opportunity to read and review an advanced copy. Galaxy Press has even agreed to give two of you wonderful people a copy as well! 

The Writers of the Future contest has apparently been going on for awhile, but this is actually the first edition I've read. It's a wonderful opportunity for new and amateur writers to get recognition and exposure for their short stories and novelettes. It also comes with a cash prize, so if you qualify it may be something to look in to! It's an opportunity for illustrators as well, as each story that makes it into the book comes with an illustration of a scene from the story (some of which you can take a peek at in the video above). I really enjoyed the stories in this book, and I'm not just saying that because they gave me a free copy! You can tell by looking at all the dog-eared pages which contain quotes and passages I've highlighted to enjoy again later.

Along with the stories you also get a short bio of the authors and illustrators. I'll be honest, at first I skipped those. I've never been one to read author bios. However, when I saw the name Chrome Oxide, author of "Cop for a Day", I just had know how he came up with that pen name. The bio revealed a sense of humor I couldn't wait to see more of in his story. Near the end, after accidentally becoming a recording engineer, it explains that "[r]ecently, because of inadequate discouragement, he started writing science fiction and fantasy." Don't you just love that? "Cop for a Day" did not disappoint, including various government programs and agencies with hilarious acronyms. Sovereign Laborers And Valued Employees can be found eating their Government Regulated Uniform Edible Lumps in their Simple Living Urban Modules, for instance. I will definitely be looking for more from Chrome Oxide and hoping he doesn't get adequately discouraged anytime soon.

I think my favorite is a tie between "Holy Days" by Kodiak Julian and "The Ghost Wife of Arlington" by Marilyn Guttridge, which coincidentally are placed right next to each other. "Holy Days" follows a family on the four different Holy Days of the universe they live in. Unlike in this universe where we're required to go to Mass, reality is changed during these days in a different manner each time. I'm afraid of going into more detail as I don't want to spoil it! I couldn't help but wonder what life would be like if our own Holy Days were the same. "The Ghost Wife of Arlington" on the other hand is about... Death's personal assistant, for lack of a better description. Each city has it's own Eternal and they usually have a helper, sometimes called a Shade. In Arlington it's always a woman and they call her the Ghost Wife. I can't put my finger on why I loved this one so much, I just did.

While I liked some more than others, there weren't any stories I didn't like. These authors definitely earned their place in this edition. It did seem more science fiction than fantasy to me, so if you love fantasy but don't care for scifi you might not enjoy it as much as I did. I would certainly recommend Writers of the Future Volume 29 to lovers of both. You can pick up a copy at Amazon or Barnes and Noble or enter my giveaway below!

Giveaway Closed