Thursday, January 23, 2014

Good news for once!

I recently found out one of my very good friends is pregnant. Normally this would be bittersweet at best and soul crushing at worse, but not this time. I'm beyond happy for her (and her DH), and that's it. When she told me I didn't have any of those normal "I wish it was me" feelings. It put a smile on my face for the first time in well, a while. But I was also scared, and still am a little. Unfortunately their journey has included a few losses and I would be heartbroken if that happened again. If I would be heartbroken, if I already feel like I love this baby, how much worse it would be for them is unfathomable. But so far everything is good. HCG is rising appropriately and they should get their first ultrasound in a few days.

While I am still extremely happy for them, I am beginning to feel a bit off. Like it's wrong for me to be so excited for them when I feel so negative about my sister's pregnancy. My little sister's birthday is coming up and I know she will be there and I'm dreading it. The last time I saw her she wasn't even showing yet and it was a bad experience all around. I'm actually kind of grateful my endo hasn't improved yet so I can use that to get away for a bit if I need to.

On the other hand, I feel a renewed desire to get pregnant myself. That desire is such a double edged sword, as with it comes hope that is so easily crushed. I found myself looking up information on the embryo adoption program we planned to go through last year for the first time in months. Checking to see if the prices were still the same, if there was a longer wait time, stuff like that. I questioned whether I should call them and see if there was anything we can do now. I come off lupron in May, maybe if we started now we could transfer soon after! But then I had a reality check and realized I was definitely jumping the gun. I don't even know if this will work, and I can't try again until my endo gets better. I just want my baby to grow up with my friend's baby. I wanted the same thing with my other best friend when she got pregnant and now their son is three and a half. I'm scared the same thing will happen and I'll be left behind again.

Realistically I'm still feeling all around terrible and in quite a bit of pain and haven't even been calling the people I'm supposed to call. Like the doctor to push up my appointment after being in the hospital, or more lawyers to see if someone will represent me in court. So I doubt I'm up to organizing an embryo adoption either. And I'm not sure I want to try and do that while dealing with a disability hearing anyway. So right now the plan is to wait until I can come off my pain meds and reevaluate then. Maybe I can be pregnant or at least on my way there by the time her baby shower rolls around.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Just me complaining some more

Sometimes I think it's good when I can't spend a bunch of time on the computer and catching up with my social networks. I know there was some study about how social networks make you less happy and I can definitely see how that's true. It's hard to see people talking about how awesome 2014 has been for them so far. I saw one post about how they've gotten engaged, gotten their dream job, and are moving into a new house just in the first month of this year. I on the other hand have been on bed rest, started bleeding over a week ago and no sign of it stopping yet, spent 11 hours in the hospital, got another disability denial letter so have to prepare for a hearing, am now on yet another daily medication, and my dog chewed up the only only pair of heels I like. But it's okay because I can't wear them anywhere anyway. Don't get me wrong, I don't want other people to have sucky lives. I want my friends and family to be happy. But hearing about their happiness highlights how unhappy I am. I just need to step away and if I'm feeling up to getting on the computer do something else instead.

Monday, January 6, 2014

From Left to Write: Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin

Sometimes objects and belongings become more than what they seem. Your grandmother's bracelet, a souvenir from your favorite vacation spot, the outfit your baby wore home from the hospital, we don't keep these things because of their inherent value. We keep them because they are physical memories. We can't siphon our memories from our minds into a pensieve unfortunately, being muggles and all, but we can infuse objects with them to be triggered later.

My husband and I met on the internet. At the time we lived about 7 1/2 hours away from each other. I remember the first time he came up to visit me. Seeing him with my own eyes wasn't what I expected. There were no fireworks or angels singing, it just felt right. Like home. I didn't run and jump into his arms and then spend the weekend in a crazy whirlwind of romance. We went to Walmart because he forgot something important like his deodorant or toothbrush.

While we were checking out I noticed some chocolate Skittles, which were new at the time. Skittles happen to be one of my favorite candies so he offered to buy them for me. I wasn't hungry so I put them in my purse for later. The thing is, I never did eat them. I just forgot about them while he was here and couldn't bear to eat them once he had left. They were the first thing he had ever bought me.

I still have them. They expired in January 2008. They sit on a shelf next to my I Love Lucy memorabilia and paperclip collection. Technically they are worthless now and should really be thrown out considering how old they are but they are irreplaceable to me. I see them and smile about how far we've come and remind myself not to take my husband for granted. Once there was an expiration date on our time together, but there's not anymore and for that I am thankful.

This post was inspired by Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin where she runs a nine month experiment to create happier surroundings. Join From Left to Write on January 6 we discuss Happier at Home. You can also chat live with Gretchen Rubin on January 7 on Facebook! As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.