The End

Well it looks like our journey to a living biological child is over. Any chance I had of experiencing pregnancy for more than a week is basically gone. I know that one day we will adopt or foster or... something, but not for a while yet. Went to the urologist today and was told our only viable chance is IVF (probably with ICSI) which we just can't do financially. We could pursue other options but it would most likely be a waste of time and money. This coupled with my increased amount of pain recently has cemented the fact that it's not worth it. I have an appointment the 27th to see what we need to do now for my health. I will explain better what happened in my regular post on Wednesday, I just can't right now.

When selecting the labels for this post I realized I have no idea what to call this time in my life. We're no longer TTC, we're not actively working towards adoption, but we haven't resolved our infertility either. I need some kind of label for this process of transitioning from actively seeking a child to temporarily no longer being able to do so but I don't know what it is.

Cycle 12 CD32 - Life! Don't talk to me about life.

If you've visited my blog recently you may have noticed a malware warning. As far as I know I was never infected so if you've visited you should be fine. However one of the blogs in my blogroll has been infected. When the favicon was loaded in the blogroll, it triggered the warning. I've removed the infected blog so you should no longer get the warning. 

source

 Several days ago I took the plunge and started Provera. I thought about it for a couple of days and in the end decided against waiting it out. I am officiating a wedding the first week of April so it's important AF is not visiting then. By taking Provera I can sort of plan her visit around that.

 Having an anovulatory cycle is pretty depressing. Over the past week I've tried to remain positive and think of reasons why this isn't such a bad thing. I've only come up with three.

1. I have and will only use one HPT, to confirm not pregnant before starting Provera. This means I have more to use for other cycles, or hopefully progression. 
2. Like I mentioned earlier, I can sort of plan AF's visit. It's not likely I would ovulate at the right time for her to show during the wedding, but you just never know. Anovulatory cycles are unpredictable so I could also start bleeding at any time even if I don't ovulate. But this way I know I will start before that would be a problem. 
3. Given DH's bad SA, we likely would have had a BFN anyway. At least this way I get a calm TWW and don't have to anxiously scrutinize tests for super faint lines. 

 What I wasn't counting on was endo getting in the way of my calm TWW. Last Monday night I started having pelvic pain, which lasted until Thursday morning. This sucked because I hurt on my birthday, but also because I was babysitting last week. I'm a SAHW not by choice but because endo keeps me from working. Usually the pain is only bad during AF and a couple days sporadically mid-cycle, so I thought I could manage 5 days around O time. But nope, had to cancel Tuesday because of the pain. Thankfully I was already not working Wednesday due to it being my birthday. I hate feeling unreliable. I was fine Thursday and most of Friday but the pain came back Friday night, and hasn't left since. This is the longest I've hurt during non-AF days in a long time. It really scares me. Usually when this happens I have to go on BC pills for three months, and it would stop during that time. Last time that didn't work and I had pelvic pain for seven months until I finally had my lap. There's a chance this is just some weird episode and it will stop soon, but it's definitely scary. I will probably call to make an appointment to talk about next steps on Friday after DH's urology appointment, unless it stops before then.

Speaking of DH's urology appointment, he went and got his blood work done yesterday. Thankfully he gets off easier than I do and they only had to stick him once. We've abstained the correct number of days. Now if only Friday would get here! Since they didn't give us any instructions for the meantime DH has been taking my gummy pre-natals. I figure a multi-vitamin isn't going to hurt anything and it has a lot of the stuff supplements like Fertility Blend include. It probably won't make a substantial difference in sperm quantity/quality but I feel better doing something.

It was nice to babysit though, despite feeling like a worthless human being after having to cancel one of the days. People always say that babysitting a toddler helps calm the baby bug. Once you've dealt with tantrums and potty training having a baby doesn't sound quite so good, right? Well, it didn't work for me. Sure there were times it was frustrating, but it was also rewarding. The first day the mom said she might cry for a bit after the mom leaves, but I distracted her while the mom slipped out the door. She was upset when she noticed her mom was gone but it wasn't too bad. She asked where her mom was and when she was coming back several times. But by the end of the week she was practically pushing her mom out of the door! It felt great knowing that in such a short time this 3 year old child with Asperger's felt so comfortable with me it was no big deal to see Mommy leave. It made me feel like I was doing something right. I think I would be a good mom.

It also made me miss my baby. I made the mistake of looking up how far along I would be right now. 25 weeks. Over halfway to meeting our child. We would know the gender. We would have accomplished viability. Baby would be the size of an eggplant, with eyelashes and pink skin. I would know what it felt like for a little person to kick me from the inside. Instead I just feel pain where my baby should be, both physically and emotionally.

Just an FYI, I've added CommentLuv and smileys to the comments section! I completely forgot you can do that until the other day. 

Cycle 12 CD25 - It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

You would cry too, if it happened to you!

I used to love Lesley Gore as a child. My mother had a record of hers and I'd play it over, and over. I liked It's My Party and You Don't Own Me, but my absolute favorite was Judy's Turn To Cry. What does this have to do with anything? Well today's my birthday, and we aren't having much of a party but I do kinda feel like crying. 

I didn't ovulate, I think that's pretty clear now. I never got any more fertile CM or a +OPK so it doesn't look like I'm going to. Honestly I'm having flashbacks to this time last year when something similar happened. I ovulated for the very first time in February and didn't again until August. I feel like the same thing has happened now as happened then. I ovulated the first cycle I was on Clomid and the first cycle I was on Femara but then didn't afterwards even though I should have. Those 6 months were terrible, I don't want to go through that again. 

At least then I was able to increase my Clomid dose and hope eventually it would work. Well I spoke to the nurse today and we aren't increasing the Femara. I am to test just in case and start provera tomorrow, then I'll be back on 5mg again. I know I've heard of people being on 7mg so I don't know why they won't increase it. Not much I can do about it though. I should go see an RE and see about next steps, injectibles or  something, but we can't afford that. 

I feel like I've put my body through all this for nothing. I kind of regret going down this road at all and wish I would have just had my hysterectomy in September 2011. At least then I might be able to work or finish school and we'd be more than a year closer to being able to adopt than we are now. 

Sorry if my blog has turned into a giant pity party but I'm having a hard time seeing any positives right now. Happy Birthday to me. 

Cycle 12 CD18 (3dpo?) - Bitter R Us

Before getting to a cycle update I have an apology to make. JustMe, author of bits and pieces, is a regular commenter here and I really appreciate all the comments she leaves. She was recently lucky enough to get her BFP, and like the terrible horrible bitter person I am I have not congratulated her. You see, unlike most of the TTC'ers in my Google Reader she's not infertile. She doesn't suffer from RPL. She wasn't using MA. She's only been trying for like five months. And now she's pregnant. Conversely here I am, in the middle of my 12th cycle, 16 months after starting TTC, on fertility drugs, with a dead baby, and most importantly not pregnant. Deep down I know that the fact she hasn't gone down this road is a good thing. Deep down I'm happy she was able to dodge this bullet. This sucks so much and I don't want anyone to experience this that doesn't have to. But on the surface I'm just bitter. And I'm sorry. It is not her fault that I'm in this position and she's not. She didn't give me endo or PCOS or rob my husbands sperm in the night. She's a good person, and she deserves this. Yet every time I read one of her posts and go to comment I just can't. I get this ball in my throat and tears well up and I just close the page. Then I feel terribly guilty for not supporting her even though if the shoe were on the other foot, she'd support me. So I just wanted to state publicly how sorry I am for letting my bitterness get in the way of being a good friend. I'm really not upset at you, I'm just so sad for me. Most of all congratulations, I'm sorry I couldn't say it earlier.

As far as my cycle goes I may or may not be 3dpo. Bear with me here, as my explanation for why is going to get a little confusing. First off my temping has been all over the place this cycle. I'm on CD18 and there are only two filled in circles (for those unfamiliar with charting, ideally every day will have a filled in circle. Open circles mean you're doing it wrong.), I've missed days altogether and the time has ranged from 6:45am-1:00pm. So I have a bit of a rocky mountains thing going on, and frankly my chart isn't super reliable right now. That being said the last two days I have temped at the same time, and the day before was only an hour off. The day before that was three hours later than the time of the last two days. Here is a picture of my chart with actual temps then with those two days adjusted.

 

Even if I don't adjust CD16 and only adjust CD15 by .05 degrees (which is considerably less than the actual difference), I still get dotted CHs. So I feel pretty confident that had I taken my temp at the same time those 4 days I would have dotted CHs right now. However, the rest of my chart is so erratic and just plain missing that I still wouldn't be able to trust FF's accuracy. I want to believe FF is correct, and here is my justification of why:

• The last two days I have been very bloated, to the point I've wondered if the femara is causing weight gain. Being bloating is a common TWW symptom for me.
• Today my boobs hurt, which is also a common TWW symptom.
• The reason the CHs are dotted is because I never got a +OPK. However, I did not start testing twice a day until CD15 when I first noticed fertile CM. It is possible I missed my surge on CD13 or 14.
• My OPKs did get darker for a while, but the last two days they have had very faint lines (see picture below).
• My CM pattern is consistent with ovulation occurring late CD15/early CD16. The last two days it has been sticky.
• I posted in my TTC Facebook group the evening of CD15 that I was having O pains and experienced pink tinged CM (which could mean ovulation spotting).
• Our timing was great for a CD15 O so it would be really awesome if it was true.
• I could potentially get a BFP on my birthday!
• This would be my earliest I ovulated EVER and a great validation for switching to femara. 

I know those last three have nothing to do with actual facts, but I really really really want this to be true. Now here are the companion reasons suggesting it's not true and I should keep on using OPKs and BD'ing:

• My Google search says femara can actually cause weight gain.
• I have gotten more physical activity the last two days than normal, which means the ladies have been bouncing around and could be sore from that.
• There is just as much reason to assume I did not miss my surge as there is to assume I did.
• I have had waves of darker then lighter then darker again OPKs in the past.
• I have had more than one patch of fertile CM in a cycle before.
• There are many different reasons other than ovulation for pink tinged CM.

So basically I don't know. What do you think?

Also don't forget about my new Facebook Page! I have decided to use it for posting pictures I find funny and/or encouraging, that I may not be comfortable posting on my personal page. Pictures similar to the ones I post at the top of my blog each week. I only plan to post a few times a week so I won't spam your newsfeed, I promise!

Cycle 12 CD11 - SA Results

We got our SA results back today, and there are some problems. Right now the plan is to find a urologist and see what they say. The bad thing about MFI (male factor infertility) is it takes 3+ months after starting treatment before there is any improvement. As I'm kind of on a deadline with my endo this is a problem. If our appointment with the urologist goes favorably I might see about going on Lupron for the 3 months so hopefully my endo won't get any worse while we wait. If it doesn't go well we might just give up on TTC altogether. I have so many problems already, and my miscarriage chance is so high, it might not be worth it just because I want the experience of pregnancy. I don't want to go through another 12 cycles with nothing to show for it. If we give up TTC then I might can go back to school and back to work, especially if I go ahead with a hysterectomy, and we can start saving for adoption. Realistically adoption has always been our best bet for becoming parents. If you're wondering, here are the specifics (normal in parentheses):

pH - 9 (7.2-8.1)

Liquefaction - <30 minutes ( <30 minutes)

Viscosity - Normal

Volume - <0.5 (1.5)
Count - 4 (15)
Initial Motility - 66% (>40%)
Progress Motility - 43 (>32%)
Morphology - 28% (>30%)
Other - Large amount of immature germ cells

So the volume is low, the count is low, and the morphology is low. pH is high but no idea if that is a problem or not. Motility is looking pretty awesome. I have no idea what immature germ cells are.

As for me, things are still good as far as side effects go. Started my OPKs but haven't gotten a positive yet. There is a line though. I think it would be awesome if I ovulated in the next four days as then I could test on my birthday, but don't see that happening. I've been having a wacky sleep pattern (or lack thereof). One day in the past week I literally slept for 23 hours and then the next day I didn't sleep at all, so I'm missing some temps. Hopefully I can get that straightened out before O time.

Cycle 12 CD5 - Femara is my Valentine

I'm a day late. Again. Just wasn't feeling up to blogging yesterday. Thank you everyone who commented on my last post, I'm really not looking for pity I just want people to understand and not expect more than I'm capable of. Today however I am feeling much better and I'm pretty sure I have Femara to thank for that.

This cycle we increased my dose from 2.5 to 5mg so hopefully that gets me an earlier O. I noticed last cycle that about 12 hours after taking my first dose AF slowed considerably. I was still cramping but the flow wasn't as heavy. By the next day I was only spotting. Well, the same thing happened this cycle! I still had a light flow CD4 but now I'm down to spotting. The cramps are much better today as well. I think it could have been a coincidence if it happened once, but now I definitely think it has something to do with Femara. Just another reason I'm glad I switched.

Publix called the other day saying my Metformin was ready to be picked up. For those who don't know, Publix fills Metformin (and a bunch of other stuff) for free which is totally awesome. They also refill your monthly prescriptions automatically instead of you having to call it in. Well I realized that only about half of my last bottle had been used. I guess that shows how bad I was about my medications last cycle. I am back on the wagon though and have taken my medications and supplements every day this cycle like a good girl.

DH is supposed to get his SA done tomorrow so we could use all your spare good vibes/thoughts/prayers/whatever you're into. I have enough issues already it would really suck if he did too. We are hoping things are fine on his end since I was able to conceive only the third time I ovulated, but we could have just gotten lucky. I will be sure to post an update on that next week.

In non-TTC related blogging news, I made a Facebook page! Why? I don't really know. Maybe in case people want to stay updated that way rather than use GFC? A lot of bloggers have pages so there must be some use to them. I do plan on posting a link to my posts every week and maybe some other random nonsense. So if you want to "like" me, you can. I added badges to the sidebar for my Facebook, Goodreads, and Instagram in case you want to see a bunch of pictures of my dog.

A Day in the Life

Watching feminine product commercials really make me jealous. I know probably no one has a "happy period", but there are women who can go to the pool. Or go to lunch with their friends. Or even be semi-productive at their job. It feels like most people don't realize just how bad my periods are. I'm not trying to play in the Pain Olympics or play the "my life sucks more than yours" game, I just want people to understand. If I cancel plans with you, if I call out of work (when I was working), if I don't return your text or cut conversations short, it's not an excuse. I really just can't. So here's a day in the life of someone with Dysmenorrhea and Menorrhagia.

Caution: This is going to get TMI

Cry out/sob in the middle of my sleep, waking up my husband who stumbles in the dark looking for my pain medication. I take 1-2 Tramadol every 6-8 hours, plus 2 extra strength Tylenol every 6 hours. Once the pain goes down enough, I fall back asleep.

Wake up again in flight mode. You know that feeling like something is wrong and you have to flee. I have leaked out of my tampon/pad again. Rush to the bathroom, carefully slip off my underwear, take the pad off, and throw them in the bathtub. I have learned not to wear pants if I can help it. Dispose of tampon, take off the rest of my clothes and jump in the shower. While in the shower hand-wash my panties as best as possible, hoping they don't stain but knowing they will. Scrub off any blood on my body. By now the adrenaline of waking up is starting to calm down and I can feel the cramps again. Put in an ultra tampon, search the bedroom for any drinkable liquid, take another Tramadol and lay down till it kicks in. The bed and pillow will be wet but they were already dirty anyway.

When I'm feeling up to it put on a nightgown or some already ruined pj/yoga pants. Go back to the bathroom and change the tampon again and also put on a pad. Take some Tylenol, cry myself back to sleep. I don't sleep well as I try to stay aware of how it's feeling downstairs so I don't make a mess again.

Get back up. Change tampon/pad. Our plumbing is supposed to be able to handle tampons but I use so many in a day that it clogs it up. I have to alternate flushing and wrapping them up in tissue to throw away. Have to make sure the bathroom door stays closed so the dog doesn't try and find the blood. I check the time to see if I can take anymore Tramadol yet.

Call the nurse to let her know AF has arrived and update her on when I ovulated, wait while she asks Dr. E about this cycle's protocol. Ask for another Tramadol prescription. Find something on Netflix and lay back down because I hurt too much to do anything else. Probably cry some more.

Try to read, but can't concentrate because of the pain and the fuzzy feeling the drugs give me.

Try to play a video game but kill myself when an extra awful cramp catches me off guard.

Wish I was a man.

Wonder if I really want a baby. Maybe getting a hysterectomy isn't such a bad idea,

Restart whatever I was watching on Netflix because I missed most of it.

My little sister asks me to do something with her. Come play Just Dance with me! Let's go to the park! I can barely hobble from the couch to the bathroom. Can we watch a movie? Try to find something I've seen a dozen times so it won't matter if I can't pay attention.

Take more Tramadol/Tylenol as needed. It's always needed. Take as often as time allows.

Change tampon/pad every 3-2 hours. Sometimes less than half an hour. I always know when it's going to get really heavy like that as the cramps get worse. I bring my iPod into the bathroom and just lay on the tile floor in between changes as there's no point in leaving. In the summer I will take another shower and just sit in the bathtub with the water running, but we run out of hot water too fast in the winter.

Husband comes home, thank God! He can get me something to eat. I probably haven't eaten all day, takes too much effort. When the cramps get extra bad he will massage my abdomen in between my belly button and my pubic bone. It seems to help.

Scotty wants to play. He wants to go for a walk and smell all the smells and pee on all the mailboxes. I'm sorry, you can look at me with those big puppy eyes as much as you want, I can't do it. Try not to cry.

Go to bed early. All the medication makes me sleepy and hurting so much is exhausting. I'm probably getting to be anemic as well. Good thing I started taking iron. Make sure to change my tampon/pad and take more Tramadol before getting in bed. Hope I don't have to wake up too many times during the night.

It has taken me all day to write this. I'm not looking for sympathy. Really. But if I tell you I can't do X because AF is in town, believe me. Do not patronize me by saying, "Oh it's just cramps! Take a midol." Otherwise I'll probably bleed all over you.