Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Cycle 12 CD32 - Life! Don't talk to me about life.

If you've visited my blog recently you may have noticed a malware warning. As far as I know I was never infected so if you've visited you should be fine. However one of the blogs in my blogroll has been infected. When the favicon was loaded in the blogroll, it triggered the warning. I've removed the infected blog so you should no longer get the warning. 

 Several days ago I took the plunge and started Provera. I thought about it for a couple of days and in the end decided against waiting it out. I am officiating a wedding the first week of April so it's important AF is not visiting then. By taking Provera I can sort of plan her visit around that.

 Having an anovulatory cycle is pretty depressing. Over the past week I've tried to remain positive and think of reasons why this isn't such a bad thing. I've only come up with three.

  1. I have and will only use one HPT, to confirm not pregnant before starting Provera. This means I have more to use for other cycles, or hopefully progression. 
  2. Like I mentioned earlier, I can sort of plan AF's visit. It's not likely I would ovulate at the right time for her to show during the wedding, but you just never know. Anovulatory cycles are unpredictable so I could also start bleeding at any time even if I don't ovulate. But this way I know I will start before that would be a problem. 
  3. Given DH's bad SA, we likely would have had a BFN anyway. At least this way I get a calm TWW and don't have to anxiously scrutinize tests for super faint lines. 
 What I wasn't counting on was endo getting in the way of my calm TWW. Last Monday night I started having pelvic pain, which lasted until Thursday morning. This sucked because I hurt on my birthday, but also because I was babysitting last week. I'm a SAHW not by choice but because endo keeps me from working. Usually the pain is only bad during AF and a couple days sporadically mid-cycle, so I thought I could manage 5 days around O time. But nope, had to cancel Tuesday because of the pain. Thankfully I was already not working Wednesday due to it being my birthday. I hate feeling unreliable. I was fine Thursday and most of Friday but the pain came back Friday night, and hasn't left since. This is the longest I've hurt during non-AF days in a long time. It really scares me. Usually when this happens I have to go on BC pills for three months, and it would stop during that time. Last time that didn't work and I had pelvic pain for seven months until I finally had my lap. There's a chance this is just some weird episode and it will stop soon, but it's definitely scary. I will probably call to make an appointment to talk about next steps on Friday after DH's urology appointment, unless it stops before then.

Speaking of DH's urology appointment, he went and got his blood work done yesterday. Thankfully he gets off easier than I do and they only had to stick him once. We've abstained the correct number of days. Now if only Friday would get here! Since they didn't give us any instructions for the meantime DH has been taking my gummy pre-natals. I figure a multi-vitamin isn't going to hurt anything and it has a lot of the stuff supplements like Fertility Blend include. It probably won't make a substantial difference in sperm quantity/quality but I feel better doing something.

It was nice to babysit though, despite feeling like a worthless human being after having to cancel one of the days. People always say that babysitting a toddler helps calm the baby bug. Once you've dealt with tantrums and potty training having a baby doesn't sound quite so good, right? Well, it didn't work for me. Sure there were times it was frustrating, but it was also rewarding. The first day the mom said she might cry for a bit after the mom leaves, but I distracted her while the mom slipped out the door. She was upset when she noticed her mom was gone but it wasn't too bad. She asked where her mom was and when she was coming back several times. But by the end of the week she was practically pushing her mom out of the door! It felt great knowing that in such a short time this 3 year old child with Asperger's felt so comfortable with me it was no big deal to see Mommy leave. It made me feel like I was doing something right. I think I would be a good mom.

It also made me miss my baby. I made the mistake of looking up how far along I would be right now. 25 weeks. Over halfway to meeting our child. We would know the gender. We would have accomplished viability. Baby would be the size of an eggplant, with eyelashes and pink skin. I would know what it felt like for a little person to kick me from the inside. Instead I just feel pain where my baby should be, both physically and emotionally.

Just an FYI, I've added CommentLuv and smileys to the comments section! I completely forgot you can do that until the other day. 

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