Go Fund Me Update

 Thanks to your generosity I have raised enough money to get my almost $500 worth of blood work! It ended up being 8 vials, and I got pretty light headed but thankfully didn't pass out. As my mother says, phase 1 is now complete! 

Unfortunately unless I can raise the remaining $490 to go to my followup appointment the blood work will be for naught. It is only after we find out the results that I can hope to find treatment. You have all been so generous so far and I hate to ask for more, but maybe I could get a share on FB, twitter, or your own blog? I am still offering a paracord bracelet to anyone who donates $13 or more. If you cannot give that much but would still like a bracelet you can purchase one from my etsy shop for $7.60.

Thank you again everyone who has donated, shared, etc. my previous posts it really means the world to me!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Being a Thursday, I've got to rep my endosisters by wearing my yellow birthday outfit complete with yellow jeans. Thursdays are awareness day where you wear yellow and use the hashtags #onthursdayswewearyellow and/or #otwwy. Usually I can't participate because I stay in my PJs and don't have any yellow ones! :D

This year I am thankful for my mom, little sister, and husband who remain as supportive and helpful as possible. I really couldn't do it without them.

I'm thankful for the support I've found in a spoonie facebook group as well as the spoonie and body positive communities on instagram. It's nice to have people who "get" you.

I'm thankful for those who participate in the Daily Deal thread on the Sims 3 forums. Because of their help I now own a much, much larger portion of the store that I would with my nonexistent budget. They have taught me the tricks for minimizing costs and maximizing sim points. They are also incredibly nice and supportive for an internet forum. It feels like they really care about each other. They will even gift people store content who are having a bad day, or it's your birthday, or just randomly. In fact yesterday I was gifted a $24 world!

But most of all, I am thankful for those who have donated to my gofundme campaign. I can't express how thankful I am. Because of these donations I now have enough to get my blood work done, which I plan to do next week. I posted before about how hopeless I felt but now I have a little hope. As you can see, I am now over halfway to my goal! I can do the blood work now and the rest (if we get it) will be so I can go to a followup appointment and find out the results of said blood work. I don't have the words to say how thankful I am.

Oh my god you guys!

After posting my rant the other day it seems two of you have donated $50 each! Thank you sooo much! I would thank you personally, but you were both anonymous so I can't. It really did help lift my spirits a bit knowing that a) anyone even reads this still and b) care enough that they would donate that much. I have a little bit of faith that maybe, just maybe, I'll at least be able to raise the $477 needed for my bloodwork if not anything else. I'll still have to cancel my December 1st follow up appointment but maybe I can hope for one after the new year. I have to believe it's possible because I don't know what I will do if I don't. =/

I've thought a lot about whether posting this was a good idea or not, as I don't want to seem ungrateful. I am grateful, really, but I'm also sad. I finally decided this is my blog it should be a safe place for me and I just wouldn't share it on FB, Twitter, IG, etc like I normally do. I don't think anyone who follows my blog has donated so there's probably a smaller chance of someone getting offended.

I posted before that my mother made me a gofundme 23 days ago. So far four people have donated a combined total of $250. Like I said, I am incredibly grateful for this especially the person who did so anonymously! Apart from my immediate family and not being homeless these four people are the only thing I have to be thankful about this Thanksgiving. So please, I beg you, don't think I'm not grateful. I also know I don't deserve nor am I entitled to anyone else's money. But...

Earlier today my mom was checking it and saw some other campaigns and it was really disheartening. There is a 12 year old dog who raised almost $2000 for a blood transfusion in two days. There is a couple who have raised $550 for their honeymoon in five days. Those are just a couple of the many examples. It makes me feel like I am less important and worth less than an elderly dog or a honeymoon. Like people care about me so little that they won't possibly help save my life, yet there are people who will do that for a dog. Like people care about me so little they won't help drastically improve my terrible quality of life that gets worse all the time, but there are people willing to pay for a honeymoon.

I'm already clinically depressed and this just hurts. I cried a lot, took a nap, and now I'm crying again. It feels like I'm not worth saving so why am I trying so hard?

Second Angelversary and Wave of Light

Today is Jesse's second Angelversary. For a while now I've been seeing pregnancy tests in my timehop since I took the pictures with my phone. Boy is that hard, but I don't have the strength to delete them. This morning I watched my niece for a few hours and she was pretty fussy. On one hand it was distracting but on the other it just hurt. Still I think this year has been easier than the last. My husband got me some root beer and Little Debbie brownies and that has definitely helped! After my mom took my niece I took a nap and just woke up a little while ago. I plan to take it easy the rest of the night and cuddle my puppies close. I may not have cried as much as last year, but grief is still exhausting.

The 15th of course was the Wave of Light. We went to the ceremony put on by the same group as last year, only this time it was in a church instead of a park. It was nice because we could sit down, which is helpful when you are so emotional.

 I got this shirt from I Am A Mother To An Angel, they have a website but I saw it advertised on their Facebook page. It's a little big because when I ordered it they didn't have women's sizes yet just men's/unisex. The words on the pink side of the heart are from a poem called This Hole by Lacey Harris-Willoby. I love it and I plan to wear it often even when it's not October anymore. You can still buy it but only for the next six days. I also had on my awareness ribbon paracord bracelet with colors for endo and PCOS.

I was glad this year we had a name for them to call out when it was our turn to light our candle. Last year it was just "Baby Lastname". I know it probably seems weird to name your baby over a year after they died but I'm happy we did. I just wish we had decided to do it sooner!

The image I posted on the 11th about the Wave of Light I also posted in a Sims 3 forum I frequent. (The picture was taken in the Sims 3 with my simself and simhusband if you couldn't tell.) I was a bit worried about bringing in such a heavy topic but everyone was really supportive! Other angelmoms spoke about their own losses, or the losses of friends and family. Most had never heard of the event but pledged to light their own candles. I am happy I could help raise awareness for something so important to me. I kept an eye on the instagram hashtag #waveoflight and there were so many more pictures this year than last. Almost 11,000 all together! I can't wait to see how many more there will be next year.

This is off-topic but I didn't want to make a separate post just for this. I found out the blood work my doctor ordered will be almost $500. That means with the injections and sleep study that visit will have cost us $1300, $1100 more than expected. This doesn't even include my follow up visit tentatively scheduled for the first of December or any subsequent tests and medications once he gets the results of these. We simply cannot afford it so at this time I won't be getting any blood work and will probably cancel my follow up appointment. I was hoping for answers and treatment but have resigned myself to constant pain and lack of sleep. My mother set up a gofundme campaign for me but so far it hasn't raised any money. I will post about it if a miracle happens and we somehow get the money.

Endometriosis Awareness Month

Today is the first day of Endometriosis Awareness Month! Last year I posted an image for Endometriosis Awareness Week which was the first full week in March, but this year I am hoping to be a bit more involved. =] There is a daily photo challenge on Instagram I will be participating in (or at least attempting, I have a bad track record for actually completing month long challenges). I'll also be cross posting on Twitter but because of that pesky word limit you wouldn't be able to read the whole thing usually. I am hoping to do a few endo related posts on here, or at least including the topic in my regular Wednesday posts when my health allows. I hope to post articles about endo on my Facebook Page a few times a week but the last few weeks have shown I can't plan ahead too much. If anybody has any questions about endo or how it has affected me, I would love to answer them!

Last week I found out unexpectedly that I would need dental surgery which took place on Thursday. It's kind of funny actually, last Thursday I went to the dentist because of severe pain in my back right bottom tooth that started Wednesday afternoon. It was infected so they put me on antibiotics and scheduled surgery for this past Thursday (so a week later). The funny part is last Tuesday I had blood work done, and after I left the dentist they called letting me know my white blood cell count was elevated so I probably had an infection! If only they would have gotten the results sooner maybe I could have started the antibiotics before it had gotten so painful. So that's why I missed the past two Wednesday posts. I actually had a whole post written up in my head about my perfect plan for the next six months or so, and how I've recently realized it has no chance of happening, but the drugs they've put me on have kept me knocked out most of the time. I'm actually fighting sleep now. Yup, another post about how I should just stop bothering to plan things lol.

Anyway along with some other things not happening financially as I had hoped, we've now also had to pay out of pocket for this surgery. Since I was put under general anesthesia and everything and they ended up having to extract the infected tooth it won't be cheap. This throws a wrench into my plans to hopefully get everything worked out with the clinic to do a donated embryo transfer in June or July. I was really hoping to do it mid-June so we would find out around my old due date. That way the sting of that day would either be lessened or a failure would coincide with another hard time instead of adding another bad day to my calendar. Now I just don't know if we can afford it. I just don't know.

I feel like I'm going to start crying any minute so I'm going to wrap this up. Lord knows I've written enough already. My posts are always so long! My paracord bracelet promotion is still on going. I like making them, it's comforting. We could of course use the money now as much as ever. I haven't sold a ton of them but I appreciate each purchase more than I can say.

Endometriosis Awareness Coupon

Found out today shipping went up 25¢ so I'm starting this promotion early! All bracelets are on sale, not just the endo ones. Proceeds go towards my treatment and hopeful embryo adoption. If it's not something you're personally interested in it would mean a lot if you would share it with those who might be. Here's a link to my shop so you don't have to type it in. 

Happy May ICLW!

Welcome ICLW'ers! No idea what ICLW is? Learn all about it here! I normally would start my post out with a welcoming picture or gif but I'm a bit rushed today so you'll have to forgive me.

For those who are visiting for the first time, my name is Tasha but I pretty much exclusively go by the name FrozenOJ or Frozenorangejuice online (unless I'm gaming, where I use the character name Jaliyah). Why? Because I needed a screen name for something and it's the first thing that popped into my mind. It's been working for me for probably 15 years so no point in changing it now. I am a stay at home wife as my endometriosis is too bad for me to work. Josh, my DH, is a graphic designer who is currently going to and working at the local branch of FSU. He also did some work for a movie and he's supposed to be included in the credits when it comes out which is really cool! We don't have any live children, but we do have an adorable Yorkie.

Everybody say, "Awww!"

I have PCOS and Endo, and after my laparoscopy in 2011 was cautioned to try now if we wanted kids before it was too late. So we started trying in October, and by February I was on Clomid. I did not respond well. Finally in October 2012 after ovulating just three times we got our BFP only to miscarry three days later. I was on either Clomid or Femara until March of 2013 when we stopped trying to focus on my endo. Things had been getting worse and finally it got to the point I was in pain all the time and on too much pain medication for TTC to be safe.

Shortly before this we found out we were dealing with MFI as well due to low testosterone. We made the decision to go on testosterone therapy even though it would make Josh at least temporarily sterile as having bio kids doesn't seem to be in the cards for us anyway.

Now we are looking forward to trying out embryo donation/adoption. We are waiting until I can come off the pain medication, but are hopeful we can start that process in the next few months. I called the clinic today to find out some information and see what we needed to do when we are ready to get things started, but unfortunately the person who deals with that was off. So I'm waiting to hear back. People I've talked to who have used this clinic said you can start cycling within a month or two of contacting them, but I've also heard there's been a run on embryos lately so the wait time might be longer.

I have recently started selling 550 paracord awareness bracelets to fundraise for the embryo donation. I'm normally not a very crafty person but I've enjoyed making these. I'd love to eventually be able to turn it into a source of income and not just a fundraiser. Right now I'm selling them in colors representing infertility, miscarriage, infant loss, PCOS, and endo. The pink could also be potentially used for breast cancer and the yellow for the armed forces. I'm thinking of branching out into things other than bracelets, like ribbon shaped keychains or dog collars or something. If you like one you can go through Etsy (linked above) or just email me what you want since they do charge a transaction fee.

My endo is doing some better, but there hasn't been as much improvement as I'd like. I started out taking a tramadol about every four hours and now I'm down to about two a day. When I put it that way it seems like things are going quite well, but it doesn't feel like things have improved that much. I'm tired of being in pain. I have a little over a month before I'm estimated to be relatively pain free and that cannot come soon enough.

Taking my head out of the sand

For the past few weeks I've in kind of a mental lock down mode. I haven't posted here since last Monday, even though I should have four additional posts by now (well, this one is really only a day late). I haven't been using my G+ or Facebook. My Twitter apparently got hacked and I didn't even notice. I got the stuff to make the paracord awareness bracelets (more on that later) but wouldn't make them because the tutorial was online. I have 157 posts of yours waiting to be read in my reader. I've just been in total avoidance mode. My attitude was kind of like Sheldon's above, if Amy was replaced by every single person on the internet.

It wasn't until Saturday that it dawned on me what part of the problem was: Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day after my loss. I didn't want to see or hear anyone talk about it so I just stuck my fingers in my ears and ignored everything. Did that make things better? I don't know. Sunday I had a couple of minor breakdowns, mostly just in my head, but overall it was a good day. My mom, my older sister, her DH, my younger sister, my DH, and I all went out to eat at a nontraditional location - a sports bar/pub. Thankfully there weren't too many happy smiling pregnant women or families with small children so it wasn't too bad. Then we went to see Iron Man 3 and Oblivion, and there weren't any noisy children in attendance. My older sister posted something on her Facebook for me which I really appreciated. Overall I think it turned out as best as it could have. I hope by next May we have something to really celebrate.

My little sister, me, older sister, and mom.

It wasn't just that though, I've felt like I've been at a standstill regarding my recovery. I feel better than I did before starting the new treatment, but I don't think I feel better than I did around the one month mark. I'm nervous things won't get much better than they are now. I was going to call the clinic we would like to go through for the embryo adoption to find out some more information, but I'm scared we won't be able to do it. So that's been something I've been avoiding as well. Sigh.

I've heard from several people that exercise and smiling release endorphins that make you happy. I very much want to be happy. I've started a new exercise regimen where every other day I work out (well, at least do yoga) with my PS3 game Fit in Six as much as I can without hurting myself, and go for a walk on the other days. So far it's going well but I'm only on day four so we'll see where I am in a couple of weeks lol. Unfortunately my Appalachian Trail Virtual Walk app is stuck at 8.3 miles and I can't get it to register more than that no matter how long I walk, so those updates on Fridays are cancelled. I might find another app for walking but it won't be as cool as that one. I've tried to remind myself to smile anytime I notice I'm frowning even if I don't feel like it.

I think these new changes must be helping some, as here I am writing this instead of watching TV. Yesterday I finally finished my sample bracelets and set up my Etsy shop. They are $5 each plus $1 for shipping. I've already sold 5 and have a couple more people interested! Right now I only have pink, blue, black, and teal cord to make them with but I've ordered some yellow and hope that will be here next week. I need to sell at least 15 to make up what I've spent on materials, but I think that's doable. I have enough cord to make 40 or 50 of them. If you'd like one you can order through Etsy or just send me an email with what colors you want, your wrist size, and address and pay through the paypal button here on the blog. The money will of course be saved up to pay for whatever it takes to make us parents. My mom is trying to set up a local fundraiser for us as well to help sell some. I really like making them even if no one else buys them and I have to give them away for Christmas haha!

Well I think that's all the news here for the moment. I'm sure I'm forgetting something but I just can't be bothered to figure it out. Obviously I'm still dealing with some of the apathy that's plagued me recently. I hope by next week I'm feeling much closer to myself again.

A huge thank you!

source

One week after adding the Paypal donate button to my blog and we've already raised $80! Honestly this is more than I ever thought would be given to us, especially this early! So thank you, thank you, thank you to those who have felt it in their hearts to help us along this journey.

As you may have noticed, I've added one of those fundraiser thermometers to my sidebar. It says "we need your support" but I'd much rather have it say "thank you for your support". Unfortunately I wasn't able to change it. I'd hate for anyone to think I was demanding help or anything, so please don't take it that way!

For those who can't donate financially but would still like to help, keep in mind each time you visit my blog with ad blockers disabled (and especially when you click on my ads, which are worth far more than views) you are contributing to our Embryo Donation fund.

As a side note, I noticed someone else raising money for adoption started selling jewelry on Etsy and had some success that way. I was thinking I could start making 550 paracord bracelets with an awareness ribbon in them like the one below. Paracord bracelets are a great thing to have because they not only look nice (imo) but you can unravel them in a survival situation and get 7-10 feet of cord to use for whatever you need. One thing I learned playing RPGs is rope is incredibly useful for a ton of things. I was thinking of making some for PCOS (teal), Endo (yellow), and infertility (pink and blue, which is also the color for pregnancy/infant loss). What do you think? Would anyone be interested in those? I imagine they'd go for $5-10 each.

Again. thank you to everyone who has supported us and continues to support us through financial donations, visits to my blog, comments, hugs, etc. You are all appreciated immensely. 

Now accepting sponsors/donations!

The text of this post is copied from my new sponsor tab. Sponsor list mentioned is below the rates on that page. 

Someone once told me that the compassionate people in our lives and the ALI community might be willing to contribute financially to our goals of becoming parents. Right now the plan is to put any money received towards embryo donation. If that becomes no longer an option for whatever reason, it will be saved for adoption. Because I'm not totally comfortable with people just giving us money, I figured I'd approach it more like you are sponsoring my blog. Lots of blogs have sponsors, even if they are typically much bigger than mine! I'm not totally sure how the paypal button works, so if you aren't able to include name and contact information please email me at frozenorangejuice@gmail.com.

Rates

< $5   - Name/link in Sponsor List and future baby book

 $10   - $ 5 stuff  + 200x200 ad in right sidebar for one month

 $15   - $10 stuff + one paragraph blurb in monthly sponsor highlight post* 

 $25   - $15 stuff + a sponsored post of your very own

 $50   - $25 stuff + 2 more months of $15 stuff

 $100 - $50 stuff + copies of each ultrasound picture if successful 

*If you're the only sponsor in a given month I might just tack on the blurb to another post.