From Left to Write: The Mapmaker's Children by Sarah McCoy

I received this book the Saturday before Mother's Day, and expected to use it as an escape from such a painful weekend. These plans were short sided as the book deals with the two issues I wished to escape: infertility and miscarriage. Suffice to say I put the book down for a while and have only recently found it in myself to pick it back up.

Again I found myself questioning, "Am I a mother?" Society, even most friends and family, would probably say no. Yet I carried a child with half my DNA (albeit briefly). All children have at least one mother and father. Who else would be this child's mother if not me? I love Jesse with a mother's love. I grieve like only a mother could. But yet, I different.

I am not parenting like all the other mothers. I am not raising my child with all the joy and heartache that entails. Being the mother of an angel is hard. Being the mother of a living child is also hard, but in a completely different way. The two are beyond compare.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a mother. I became a mother as soon as my egg met my husband's sperm and nothing, nothing can take that from me. But I am not a parent. I stopped being a parent the moment I got the fateful call from my OB saying my numbers had fallen below 5. I believe when most people think of mothers they are actually thinking of female parents. A small distinction, but an important one to a non-parenting mother (through death, adoption, estrangement, etc). I hope one day to be a parent again to another child, one who gets to live. Then maybe Mother's Day will be cause for celebration.

This post was inspired by The Mapmaker’s Children by Sarah McCoy, a novel about two women are connected by an Underground Railroad doll. Join From Left to Write on May 19th as we discuss The Mapmaker’s Children. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Second Angelversary and Wave of Light

Today is Jesse's second Angelversary. For a while now I've been seeing pregnancy tests in my timehop since I took the pictures with my phone. Boy is that hard, but I don't have the strength to delete them. This morning I watched my niece for a few hours and she was pretty fussy. On one hand it was distracting but on the other it just hurt. Still I think this year has been easier than the last. My husband got me some root beer and Little Debbie brownies and that has definitely helped! After my mom took my niece I took a nap and just woke up a little while ago. I plan to take it easy the rest of the night and cuddle my puppies close. I may not have cried as much as last year, but grief is still exhausting.

The 15th of course was the Wave of Light. We went to the ceremony put on by the same group as last year, only this time it was in a church instead of a park. It was nice because we could sit down, which is helpful when you are so emotional.

 I got this shirt from I Am A Mother To An Angel, they have a website but I saw it advertised on their Facebook page. It's a little big because when I ordered it they didn't have women's sizes yet just men's/unisex. The words on the pink side of the heart are from a poem called This Hole by Lacey Harris-Willoby. I love it and I plan to wear it often even when it's not October anymore. You can still buy it but only for the next six days. I also had on my awareness ribbon paracord bracelet with colors for endo and PCOS.

I was glad this year we had a name for them to call out when it was our turn to light our candle. Last year it was just "Baby Lastname". I know it probably seems weird to name your baby over a year after they died but I'm happy we did. I just wish we had decided to do it sooner!

The image I posted on the 11th about the Wave of Light I also posted in a Sims 3 forum I frequent. (The picture was taken in the Sims 3 with my simself and simhusband if you couldn't tell.) I was a bit worried about bringing in such a heavy topic but everyone was really supportive! Other angelmoms spoke about their own losses, or the losses of friends and family. Most had never heard of the event but pledged to light their own candles. I am happy I could help raise awareness for something so important to me. I kept an eye on the instagram hashtag #waveoflight and there were so many more pictures this year than last. Almost 11,000 all together! I can't wait to see how many more there will be next year.

This is off-topic but I didn't want to make a separate post just for this. I found out the blood work my doctor ordered will be almost $500. That means with the injections and sleep study that visit will have cost us $1300, $1100 more than expected. This doesn't even include my follow up visit tentatively scheduled for the first of December or any subsequent tests and medications once he gets the results of these. We simply cannot afford it so at this time I won't be getting any blood work and will probably cancel my follow up appointment. I was hoping for answers and treatment but have resigned myself to constant pain and lack of sleep. My mother set up a gofundme campaign for me but so far it hasn't raised any money. I will post about it if a miracle happens and we somehow get the money.

From Left to Write: The Goddess of Small Victories by Yannick Grannec

So I know I'm super duper late with this post, but I finally feel up to writing it! And I have at least two more blog posts in my head I need to find time to do after this... I still haven't finished the book, but I feel like I've read enough to post about it.

The Goddess of Small Victories is about Kurt Gödel, a famous mathematical logician and philosopher, as seen through the eyes of his wife Adele. The story starts in 1980 with Adele in a nursing home, reluctantly opening up to Anna who was sent to befriend her by some historians who want access to her husband's archives. From then on every other chapter is told from Anna's perspective, and the others from Adele's point of view as she meets and falls in love with Kurt in the 1930's.

One thing that is mentioned often enough is that Kurt and Adele have no live children, Adele having miscarried their only child not long after they were married. This obviously struck a chord with me as I can see myself in a similar position. I doubt one day historians will be as interested in the life of my husband (not that I think he's boring or anything) but it's very possible we could remain childless throughout our lives. It's something that hurts to think about, especially this time of year.

I have a few friends who are childfree by choice. When people find out they don't want children they get questions like: "But who will take care of you when you're old?" I know for them it can be as annoying as people asking infertiles why they don't just adopt! Even if you have live children, there is no guarantee they will look after you in your old age. Even if they pay for your care they might not visit often. Without kids there are still options, like nieces and nephews, godchildren, family friends, but it is still something that I think about.

Wanting children for me isn't just about having a cute baby to dress up and cuddle. It is about a lifetime of interactions. Being with them in their first moments of life until the last moments of mine. A childless life isn't inherently worse or better than one with children, it just depends on your personal wants and desires. Adele doesn't seem to mourn the absence of children the way I would. I can't even comprehend how much I would lose out on by not having children in one way or another. Reading about someone without children at the end of her life reminds me that this dream is still worth fighting for.

This post was inspired by The Goddess of Small Victories by Yannick Grannec, a novel about brilliant mathematician Kurt Gödel as told from his ex-cabaret dancer wife’s perspective. Join From Left to Write on October 16th as we discuss The Goddess of Small Victories. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Health Stuff

I don't know if I've mentioned it here for not, but for a while now I've been dealing with flu-like body aches. At first I figured it was due to hypothyroidism, and it might have been or still could be. Last time they checked my thyroid my levels were fine and I've been on meds for that quite a while now, but I haven't seen any improvement. Other symptoms (like chills) seem to be better. Along with that I've been having an awful time sleeping because it hurts. It feels like my whole body is bruised, and it gets worse the longer I put pressure on it. So I toss and turn a lot trying to find a way to sleep that hurts the least. I never feel rested when I wake up and am often quite stiff. I also keep having these sensations where it feels like I've walked through a spider web or there is a bug crawling on me.

I went to see my primary doctor about it and they ran a few tests, one I know for lupus, but they came back fine. I was told they didn't know what was causing it and to see a specialist. My first appointment with the rheumatologist was yesterday. I was told it would be $200 which is a lot but it's important. I walk in and literally everyone else in the waiting room was at least twice my age, which always makes me feel good about myself. I'm tired of hearing "you're too young for __!"

The receptionist, nurse, and doctor were all nice though. The doctor seemed to take me seriously. I'm always afraid of being treated like it's all in my head, I'm a hypochondriac, I'm a drug seeker, etc. He asked a lot of questions and pushed on a bunch of body parts, most of which hurt. Then it became a game of "which is better, this or that" like when they show you the films at the eye doctor.

I have no idea what he suspects is going on but they gave me two injections, one on each side of my bum. I'm supposed to keep track of whether they are helping and if so how much and how long it lasts. So far I don't know because the injection sites hurt quite a bit. I think my back doesn't hurt as much, but it could be a case of my brain focusing on the new pain, you know? Body aches seem to be just as bad. The injections didn't hurt nearly as much as lupron thankfully but I couldn't sleep on either side or back and it hurts to sit too. I think I'd be okay if it was only on one side or the other. I was also given an ultrasound and I have to do a sleep study Thursday night.

On top of all that he's ordered 15 blood tests. Parathyroid hormone, Vitamin D3, angiotensin-converting enzyme, Erythrocyte Sedimentation Rate, Ferritin, Human Leukocyte Antigen B27, Thyroglobulin Antibody, Thyroid Peroxidase Antibody, Thyroid Stimulating Immunoglobulin, Vitamin B12, BUN:Creatinine Ratio, Sjogren Antibody Panel, Celiac Disease Comprehensive Panel, and Iron Saturation. I think my primary doctor was mostly going by my TSH as far as my thyroid goes, so it seems like he wants to investigate that further. I know what the vitamins, iron, and celiac are. The other stuff I have no idea.

I really appreciate being taken seriously; I cannot stress that enough. I'm glad he wants to be thorough. I'm not glad I finished my visit to find out it cost $800. Eight hundred dollars! I was expecting $200, remember, and that is a lot for us at the moment. They let me pay half but I'm sure they will want the other half before my follow up which is tentatively scheduled for the first week of December. This doesn't even include my blood work! I have to go to a lab for that. This is just not doable for us, at all. It's impossible and I'm not exaggerating. We do not have the money, we don't even have a credit card we can put it on. Since graduating and finishing his internship DH has been looking for a better job but hasn't had any luck so far. Any friends or family I'd be comfortable asking for help aren't doing much better than we are.

Plus yesterday morning I found out getting my records to send to the endo specialist in Atlanta will cost $1 per page. I don't even want to know how many pages it is, and they can't tell me until it prints. Once it prints I have to pay for it even if I don't want everything no matter how much it costs. I already knew we couldn't pay for surgery, but they will keep your records for a year. I know other people who have done fundraisers to pay for it, so once we got an estimate I was going to look into that. But I can't get the records review and estimate without any records!

So yesterday was just a bad day. Can't do anything about my endo. Can't do anything about everything else. I just hope these injections I payed so much for do help and last for a while. I feel like saying if they don't I will cry, but that's a bit disingenuous since I'm crying already. Add in the Wave of Light tonight and I'm a total mess.

Today my From Left to Write post is due for The Goddess of Small Victories by Yannick Grannec. I've read about a forth of it so far and it's really good! If I could ever sleep and feel rested enough to pay attention to a book I'd have finished it. I've only read 10 books this year because of such problems and it's so disappointing. I don't know if I'll be up to writing a post on it today. They send you the books for free because you agree to post about them on time, and if you don't hold up your end of the deal you are less likely to get books (which is completely understandable). I hate feeling so unreliable.

Wave of Light

For those that don't know, almost two years ago we lost our baby Jesse Quinn. I participated in the Wave of Light for the first time that year to support my friends, not knowing I would miscarry myself a week later. If you have lost a child you can light a candle in their memory. If you haven't you can light a candle in memory of the children lost by your friends and family.

Miscarriages are devastatingly common. Approximately 1 out of every 4 pregnancies will end this way, yet it's something we aren't supposed to talk about. You aren't even supposed to announce until the "safe zone" of the second trimester, so if you miscarry the rest of the world can stay ignorant. It is almost guaranteed that one of your friends or family have lost a child although you might not know about it. By lighting a candle you can show support and let them know "I am here for you" if they need a shoulder to cry on or a caring ear to listen.

Where did I go?

So apparently it's been like a month since my last real post. Oops. I'm also like a weekish behind on my post about Ruby for From Left to Write. I do still plan on writing that, btw. I've not been having a great time lately. I can't even remember what's been going on the whole time since I posted last, but it probably wasn't good.

I did finally get over my flu like illness at some point. That was a pain in the neck. So yay for eating stuff other than cereal. I've been having more problems with my endo. I got AF and then I've been spotting on and off since. The pain comes and goes as well. Apparently endo has spread closer to my back because I'm having a lot of back pain now. My doctor doesn't think it's from anything else. It sucks though because heat isn't nearly as effective on my back as it is normally. We've increased my aygestin dose again and another lupron shot might be in my future. Josh thinks I should have another lap but we can't exactly afford it.

We had a spell of very nasty weather. Over the last year I've been feeling the weather a lot more than I used to, more than 26 year olds should really. One of our dogs has a storm phobia which also sucks. Parts of our city flooded but our property is fine. Not too far from here whole streets were washed away and stuff so even though the storms weren't fun we're glad we didn't have to deal with that.

My mom graduated with two bachelor degrees on the 27th. Josh kinda graduated too, but he decided not to walk. (He only has internships this summer.) So there were a bunch of events for that. My mom won two awards and he won one! It was quite hard on my body and I think I'm just now recovering. I haven't hardly done anything in my free time since the events started other than lay in bed and watch TV.

Our house had some serious plumbing problems. We had to have a plumber come out with an excavator and replace all the piping from our house to the street and also had to have some pipe in the shower replaced. Something is wrong with the dishwasher too but we aren't gonna deal with that right now because it's not as necessary. As you can imagine it's been stressful and expensive.

Then of course there was Mother's Day. This was my second Mother's Day since the loss and I expected it to be easier than the first one but it wasn't. Maybe it just takes more time, or maybe it will always be this hard. Hopefully we will eventually have other living children and the day will be more bittersweet than just bitter. My mother made things easier for me and decided her graduation dinner would double as Mother's Day lunch. That way I wouldn't have to go out that day or see my hugely pregnant sister. Her baby shower is this weekend I think but I'm not going.

I think that's everything, or all the major stuff at least. Hopefully I'll have something more positive to post about the next time.

Review: My Little Soldiers by Glenn Barden

One unequivocal fact about the infertility scene online is that it's dominated by women. It makes sense; we're the ones who do most of the testing and treatments, we're the ones who can symptom spot, and for the most part we don't mind analyzing sticks other women have peed on. But this is not just our journey, most of us have a man beside us every step of the way. It affects them too and I think a lot of the time we don't realize how much. Being able to see inside a man's head is one of the reasons I loved reading My Little Soldiers by Glenn Barden.

When I was first approached to read this the idea of it being a comedy made me a bit wary. Infertility is not joke and I didn't want to feel laughed at Thankfully my fears were unfounded. A lot of times it's funny in an inside joke kind of way. I can laugh about dildo cams and nasty fertility smoothies because I've been there. Other times the humor doesn't necessarily have anything to do with infertility at all, it's just part of Mike's character. There are a few very serious scenes (as you might expect) and their serious nature is respected. The author doesn't let comedy take away from the heavy topics the nature of this book requires.

Since we've started down this journey it's become painfully obvious that the media doesn't know what it's talking about when it comes to adoption, loss, and infertility. It can become frustrating to be watching TV or reading a book and see them get everything so very wrong. Sometimes they even make things up out of the blue that has no basis in fact at all (I'm looking at you, House of Cards)! I haven't run the full gamut of fertility treatments but what I have experienced rings true. What I've learned from infertility blogs and forums seems to match the description of what I haven't experienced in the book. It even includes a little bit of history regarding treatments and those who developed them along the way. For this reason I think this would be a valuable book not only for infertiles but their friends and family or anyone who doesn't want to remain ignorant of what we go through. And speaking of friends and family, My Little Soldiers does a remarkable job of portraying interactions with fertile people. Unsolicited advice is unsolicited for a reason!

Reading this book made me reevaluate my husband's outward appearance of strength and detachment. For a while now I have been contemplating giving the baby we lost a name. It's been a year and a half since I miscarried and now seems an odd time to name him or her but I think it would help me. I think my child deserves a name. I was scared to bring it up to my husband because what if he thinks it's silly? I still think about our child every single day but what if he doesn't? What if he rejects the notion and calls it ridiculous? I really don't give him enough credit. We talked about it and agreed. We haven't settled on a name yet, but we will - together. This is his journey too and he's just as invested as I am.

Disclosure: I received a free copy of this book for review purposes but all thoughts are my own.

Angelversary Recap

I wasn't sure what to expect for my baby's first angelversary (which was Monday). There were times when I felt so bad it was almost like the day it happened. But I also felt extremely supported in both my private and blogging life, which is something that I didn't have until a few days later last year. I had a few friends message me privately letting me know they were thinking of me and that they were there if I needed anything, which was greatly appreciated. The day before we went grocery shopping and I got a big bag of Riesens which is my favorite chocolate candy as well as some ice cream and root beer for floats. I'm actually surprised there is still so much left!

The new Sims 3 expansion came out yesterday and the patch for it came out a few days before that, so it's not a good idea to play my families until the mods get updated. I was actually grateful for this as I'm normally okay playing families with babies but I don't think I could deal with it right now. I spent a lot of the day reading the fourth Percy Jackson book (The Battle of the Labyrinth) which thankfully is about middle school kids so they don't have any babies lol. And of course I got lots of puppy cuddles from my furbaby. That night we watched The Walking Dead and there was this scene with Michonne holding a baby and starting to cry. For those not familiar, she's a total BAMF. Not the crying sort at all! She wields a katana and at one time kept two zombies as pets. I don't know if I was reading too much into it but it really seemed like she lost a baby of her own.

In a way I feel like I'm lucky because most of the really emotional days happen so close together. Remembrance day the 15th, then the angelversary on the 21st, then our TTC anniversary on the 28th I think. It makes for a really rough half of the month but it also gets it all over with quickly. I think it would hurt more if everything was spread out. This way I can feel what I need to feel and hopefully come out of it feeling like it was cathartic in November.

We Remember Them

I'm lucky in that there's a group here who organizes events for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On Saturday they had a Walk to Remember with a remembrance ceremony, and actual walk around the park it was held in, and both a balloon and dove release. I have been ill the last week or two and wasn't able to go but I would definitely like to attend next year.

Yesterday they also hosted the Wave of Light. I remember last year I lit a candle at home for my friends who lost babies, not knowing my own pregnancy would end a week later. One of my friends actually messaged me yesterday morning about it (her SIL's baby was either stillborn or died shortly after birth, I can't remember), otherwise I would have missed it! Another friend of mine was planning on going as well but she ended up going to the wrong park lol. Hopefully we will both be able to attend both activities next year.

Crappy phone camera FTW?

Even though I'm still not feeling well I really wanted to go to this. Since it was mostly just standing and not walking or anything I figured I would be okay but I am feeling it today. When we got there they asked for our baby's name and gave us a paper with a reading on it. A bit before 7 o'clock they started with three readings, one gender neutral and one each about baby boys and baby girls. After each reading they lit a big candle on the memory table, you can kind of see in the picture above the candles with pink, white, and blue ribbons around them. Then there was the reading we were given the words too. The man in the blue shirt would read out a situation, like when it's raining or when flowers bloom in spring but more detailed and poetic than that, and then everyone would respond "we remember them". I'll be honest I didn't always respond because at this point I was pretty choked up.

Then it was time to light the candles. They read out each baby's name and their family would go up to the table and light a candle for them. If you went to the walk on Saturday but weren't able to come to this they read your baby's name anyway and one of the people in charge would light their candle. A lot of the families had special shirts with the name of their baby on them and their angelversary. I just wore a blue dress with a pink cami and Josh wore black. After all the names were read they played a song but I'm not sure what it's called. I've tried to search for it but no luck. Anyway I totally broke down crying and got snot all over Josh's shirt. It wasn't pretty.

I'm really glad we went even if it was super depressing. A lot of the families had small children, some of them definitely rainbow babies. Maybe next year?

Do you have any children?

I never know what to say when someone asks me this question. I know usually they are just making small talk and aren't looking for a deep, sad conversation. In my heart I have a child. It's death does not sever that parent-child relationship. I feel like I should be able to acknowledge his or her existence. Yet answering yes feels like... I don't know, denial? Because what they're really asking is if I'm parenting any children, not if a human was ever created using my eggs. If I say yes they'll then ask more questions like how old are they, is it a boy or a girl, etc and I don't have any good answers for that either. I can be honest and talk about how my child died before it was born and I was never able to find out it's gender but that usually just makes things awkward. Strangers and acquaintances don't want to talk about heavy stuff like that. I could answer some with what should have been, I could say I have a three month old, but if they ever found out the truth it would just make me seem even crazier. I've come to the conclusion that it's best to approach this question the same way I do "How are you?" People don't care how you actually are. Even if you're sick, or depressed, or having surgery the next day, you just respond "fine" and move on. You lie. Even if my heart breaks a little more each time.

This Week Sucks

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This has just been a sucky week so far. I'm ready for some good news and happiness! On Sunday I found out an IF friend lost their baby just a week or two after graduating due to anencephaly. For those lucky enough to not know what that is, basically part of the skull and/or brain do not form because of a neural tube defect. So yeah, that sucks.

Another friend who I mentioned two weeks ago has been in limbo since then. It's not my place to really talk about it all, but it's kinda been a rollercoaster of good news and bad news. Today she found out for sure it's not viable. My heart truly breaks for them, in fact I'm on the verge of tears. She is one of the people I care about most and I hate that she not only has to go through this, but there's nothing I can do to make it better.

Then I got a few pregnancy announcements from people who either weren't trying or weren't infertile. I've gotten a bit better about taking announcements well but these just came at a bad time. It's hard to see people get pregnant so easily when my IF friends are suffering so deeply. I cleaned out my Facebook friends list, going from over 200 friends to 98, and hid some of those I didn't feel like I could delete. I need to do my instagram as well since so many are announcing on there now. I think now there is a smaller chance of seeing announcements from people who I wouldn't be genuinely happy for.

Yesterday night AF showed up out of the blue. Since I've been on the Aygestin she's only shown up when I missed a dose, but I know for sure I didn't this time. After I missed a dose and got AF in June I set an alarm on my phone like I used to do for birth control to remind me to take it. There are also a few other medications I'm taking at the same time so I know I didn't just turn the alarm off and then forget. I finally get used to what my body's doing and then it switches it up on me. Thankfully the Aygestin is at least doing some of what it's supposed to and keeping my lining thin because it's much, much lighter than my usual, however it's still very painful.

Along with that we've also been dealing with some drama over the last two weeks that came to a head last night. I'm glad I'm "out" about my blog most of the time, but the downside to not being anonymous is not being able to talk freely about stuff like this. Someone I really care about is being mistreated and over the last few weeks things have escalated until Friday this person was removed from the situation and they came to stay with us. We have tried to be supportive and help this person as much as we can, but there is only so much we can do. Yesterday they ran back to the abuser despite everything we've done to keep them safe. This is a pattern that has been ongoing since I was a teenager and we just feel so used and angry at the both of them. As much as we want to see this person out of the situation for good, we have to remove ourselves from their cycle of abuse for our own good. You can't help someone until they're ready to help themselves.

Our anniversary is coming up next Thursday the 19th which also happens to be Talk Like A Pirate Day. We don't have any plans yet but I'm looking forward to having something to celebrate rather than mourn.

When someone says How-do-you-do, just say you didn't.

My due date was the first and I've got to say, that did not go well. I had a few full on hyperventilating breakdowns and basically took a break from the internet. Somehow playing the Sims 3, complete with pregnancy and nooboos, didn't bother me. Perhaps because in a way, it allowed me to have the children I should've had? I don't know. I stayed away from blogs, Facebook, G+, and even Instagram since people have started posting announcements there recently. I watched Castle which thankfully was devoid of pregnancy and babies for the most part. Well, except a few episodes where one of the supporting characters was either subfertile or just unlucky, and found out his wife was pregnant at their first RE appointment. Oops hope that wasn't a spoiler.

During this time I felt so alone. Last year about 20 women who met online started a secret FB group, all of us having tried for a while, had diagnosed problems, or had suffered a loss. They were my main support system when I miscarried. We originally had a rule that you could stay when you got pregnant but no complaining! We know pregnancy isn't all rainbows and butterflies but it's insensitive to complain to people who would give anything to experience those things you are complaining about. Once we started getting BFPs and having losses (or scares) there was an unspoken exception when it came to the uncertainty and fear of early pregnancy. Now so many of them are pregnant it seems they've forgotten the rule altogether. What I hoped would continue to be my support system just seemed to make things worse.

It's also been raining way more than usual, which hasn't really helped my mood. The fact that our city flooded and streets were closed did give me a good excuse not to participate in Independance Day celebrations. It definitely made me think of the Steve Wariner song Holes in the Floor of Heaven. Like maybe our baby was just as sad as I was. Man, country music sure does know how to make you cry!

For the past several weeks I've been feeling pretty terrible. I thought it was because of my due date but now I think it's something else. I've been quite fatigued which has led to first slacking on my exercise and being more lax with my food choices, and now I'm doing good just walking around the house and eating Lucky Charms twice a day. I sleep all the time, and when I'm not sleeping I wish I was asleep. Like last night we went to bed at 11pm and I slept till 9:30am. Then I went back to sleep about noon and woke up again at 4:30pm. It's 8pm now and I already feel like I could go back to sleep. I constantly feel as if I've taken sleeping medication or have stayed up all night.

I have a doctor appointment next Wednesday but I'm not expecting any answers then as I'll probably need blood work and a follow up appointment. In the meantime Dr. Google has provided some possible causes. I could be anemic, which I have a history of but only after AF and it's never like this. It could be an issue with my thyroid or adrenal glands. It could be depression which wouldn't be terribly surprising I suppose. And of course it could be cancer, since according to Google everything could be cancer. I just hope whatever it is can be fixed relatively quickly and easily because this is nuts. Bonus points if I'm not stuck taking another medication everyday for the rest of my life.

Oh and it seems as if my endo has stopped improving and possibly even gotten a bit worse. For a while there were some days I'd only need 800mg of ibuprofen and 1000mg of acetaminophen however many times you're allowed to take it a day, and when I did need something stronger it would only be one dose. Now I'm back up to taking at least one Tramadol a day and sometimes two, plus the OTC stuff.

Not to mention yesterday I got two pregnancy announcements, one of which from a friend who is pregnant with her second child that they started trying for after we were TTC our first. This is the second person so far who has lapped us.

Sorry if this post seems like nothing but negativity, I tried to think of something positive to include but couldn't think of anything.

Meet the Parents

I was looking for this scene from The Shining and found this instead, so you're welcome.

DH's dad and step mom were here over the weekend, which was both good and bad. We haven't seen his dad for years and have never met his step mom in person so that was nice. Unfortunately I learned that it's very easy to over exert myself right now and regret it later. My pain was much, much worse the last couple of days than before they came to visit. I also remember that it was worse after my friend's wedding too. On Saturday we are going to a water park and I'm already mentally preparing myself to be in a lot of pain after.

Their visit also meant taking a detour from low carb land to Olive Garden which was delicious. I almost always get the five cheese ziti, but I was a good girl and got the moscato peach chicken instead. It was supposed to be 30 something less grams of carbs, plus I didn't even eat all the pasta! And I didn't eat a single bread stick, if you can believe it! I did get the gnocchi soup instead of salad but over all I call it a win.

Saturday night I started spotting unexpectedly. After looking on Fertility Friend it happened right at the time I was supposed to get AF. By Sunday it was fairly heavy for spotting, almost enough to be a light flow. I was expecting it to get worse (the inspiration for today's gif) but it never did. By Tuesday it had basically stopped. I was going to call Dr. E about it but decided not to. I think the timing was really a coincidence since FF is basing that on cycles I ovulate. I missed a dose of the Aygestin a day or two before it started so I think that's why. If it happens again I'll definitely call about it but I'd rather not have to increase my dose if I don't have to. If we double it I'll be paying $70-100 dollars a month for this stuff. No thank you.

Speaking of which, I transferred my prescription to Walgreens as it's cheaper there and they give you a $25 gift card for transferring. The woman who checked me out looked at her computer, then to me, then back to the computer, then back to me and asked, "Are you pregnant?" I had to say no, I wasn't anymore. She said "okay good, because you can't take this while pregnant." I just smiled back and checked out. Of course I was thinking no, it's not good. I would much rather still be pregnant and have no need for this stuff. I don't even know how they knew about the pregnancy. I had a little mini breakdown then went and got a Tropical Smoothie and felt better. I just can't let that kind of stuff bother me. Of course I've had a migraine of varying intensity for who knows how many days and that's not helping.

A blog post that's less than 500 words! I think that's a record for my long winded self. I guess I'll stop here before I ruin it haha.

ETA: Eek! I forgot to remind everyone that my giveaway ends tonight! So go enter if you haven't already!

Guilty

source

I am feeling extremely guilty today. Someone I met during our TTC journey recently got her BFP. They had been trying for a while, and like me she wasn't ovulating. Unlike me she didn't start out with a PCOS and anovulatory diagnosis so it took a while before her doctor was willing to prescribe her Clomid. Their very first cycle using MA was a success. While I was happy for her I was so jealous. Here I am after seven cycles of Clomid and two of Femara and instead of being pregnant I'm taking a medication specifically prescribed to keep me from being fertile.

Yes I did get pregnant in October the third time I ovulated, but it was over before I had a chance to really believe it. The first two days of tests were so light I wouldn't let myself get too excited. I didn't even tell my husband until the third day when the line was unmistakably pink and I was experiencing definite symptoms. For an hour or two we were so happy! And then the bleeding started. The rest of that day and most of the next were just nerve wracking. We were too scared to go back to that euphoric feeling we had experienced just moments before. It was like our world was split in half. In the past everything was perfect. We were to be parents. The one thing I have consistently hoped for my future since I was a child was finally coming true. In memory those few hours were like a fairy tale.

But not all fairy tales have a happy ending.

One the other side of time was an HGC of less than 5, months of grief, and more fertility meds to finally end up here, childless. So I was jealous that it worked for her on the first shot. That she wouldn't have to know the pain I felt. She was still in fairy tale land and as much as I reached, as fast as I ran, as far as I jumped I could not get back there.

And now almost a month later she is here with me, longing to be on the other side. Last week she had an ultrasound which showed only a sac measuring about five weeks when she was supposed to be seven. Today she went back and had another scan which showed the same thing. Her HGC had only gone up from 10k to 12k. As much as I was jealous of her before I never wanted her to go through this. I know it's not my fault but I should have been happier for her. I shouldn't have let my own misery get in the way. Even though I know my jealousy had no impact on the end of her pregnancy, now I can't stop myself from feeling oh so guilty.

I hope if she reads this she will forgive me.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

4. I am thankful for Etsy.

After the loss I started looking for some way to memorialize our child. I had tossed all my HPTs since I figured I would have more with darker lines. Keeping something I've peed on kinda weirds me out anyway. It was too early for an ultrasound or for us to buy anything for the baby. I had nothing in remembrance. I thought it might be nice to have some jewelry, a bracelet or necklace, that I could wear all the time. So I posted on a TTC after loss message board asking them if they had any ideas. One of them suggested I look on Etsy as you can get some pretty cool personalized stuff there.

I have actually gotten some gifts there before and had a good experience so I decided to take a look. I found Metal Stamped Memories, a shop dedicated to memorial jewelry. Unfortunately the owner of the shop suffered her own loss and now uses her pain to make beautiful pieces for other grieving parents. You can personalize the necklaces with your own phrase and the name of your child. Our loss was too early to know the gender/pick a name, but I messaged the seller and she was more than happy to accommodate my situation and put a date instead.

A few days earlier someone on my Facebook posted this Winnie the Pooh picture and I immediately associated it with my loss. I even posted it myself without comment to the meaning I took from it. When I found out I got to pick which phrase I wanted on the necklace I knew it would be inspired by this quote.

forever in our hearts 10-21-12

The necklace arrived much quicker than I expected. I think the Etsy page said it could take two or three weeks to get here, which is reasonable for a hand crafted item such as this. I got it in 10 days! I love it and I know I will cherish this necklace for as long as I have it. I haven't taken it off since I received it yesterday and I don't plan to. I know I would never be able to get something as nice as this, for as cheap as it was, if it wasn't for Etsy. I know that this purchase has not only helped me, but also the individual who made it by providing income. I'm not a crafty person myself but I know some people who make items like this and making a living doing what you love is hard. But through Etsy I was able to help them rather than put more money in a CEO's pockets. I have been very pleased with all the interactions I've had on the site and will definitely use it in the future.

Cycle 9 CD10 - Unhappy Anniversary

Creeper face!

The week since my loss has been.... long. I've had some bad days, some okay days, and some days where I swing from bad to okay and back again. I haven't had any good days yet but I'm sure they will come. I have tried to stay busy and that has worked decently. Friday we went to a homecoming festival thing for the school DH goes to/works at and I carved a Minecraft themed pumpkin and won $20 at trivia. Saturday we went out of town to see some friends from highschool and I had a really fun time playing Apples to Apples with them. Sunday we were going to go on a picnic with my older sister but there was a cold front due to the hurricane so we cancelled. She and her DH drove into town anyway and we went out to dinner which was nice. I finished my book, The Haunting of Hill House, and I thought it was pretty good but didn't care for the ending.

The 24th also marked our one year TTC anniversary. On one hand it was hard to deal with the loss and this milestone at the same time, but on the other it's nice to get it over with while I'm already in a sucky mood. Definitely had a little pity party for myself that despite being on fertility medications we have still made it to this point. Even if we didn't have documented issues we would be considered infertile now.

A few days ago I started to have some fertile CM which was pretty weird, being so early. I had pains on my left side similar to what I know now were O pains last cycle but were less intense. My temp even went up yesterday which made me think I had O'd already, on CD8! Remember that the last two cycles I didn't ovulate till CD20 and that was with the help of Clomid. My temp is back down this morning though so I guess it was a false alarm. I was going to get some progesterone to use just in case that was an issue with my pregnancy but I'm glad I decided to wait until I had crosshairs. If I had started it yesterday it could have screwed up this cycle even more. I am just taking it one day at a time and from now on will try not to analyze so much unless I actually do get crosshairs. Obviously that is easier said than done.

Cycle 9 CD4 - Best and Worst Day of My Life

I didn't blog last week because I was really ill, and being in the middle of the TWW there wasn't much to say anyway.

This week though I have some bad news.

Thursday morning (10DPO) I tested and got a really super faint line. I kept testing all weekend and got some BFNs and some BFMs (Big Fat Maybe). Finally on Sunday morning I got what I have been waiting so long for - a clear BFP with a faint but definitely pink second line. I was so over joyed. I had some very definite pregnancy symptoms along with the same TWW symptoms from last time. Starting on Friday I developed an aversion to meat. I knew food aversions were typical but I didn't know meat specifically was common. It made deciding on dinner quite difficult but it was worth it. Sunday morning I developed a strong sense of smell. I did not expect this as I never heard of that being a symptom before. I never actually vomited but I was nauseous and did dry heave a few times. Yay the joys of morning sickness! I was too happy to complain about any of this stuff.

Unfortunately Sunday afternoon I started bleeding. It was heartbreaking seeing that first streak of blood. I started crying and told my husband who urged me to call my doctor. Since she is also a family friend I have her cell phone number so I was able to call her directly despite it being Sunday. She said some bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but I could also be miscarrying. I was to go to the office in the morning and get betas done to check my numbers. The bleeding continued throughout the night and cramping would come and go as well.

Monday was so nerve wracking. I got my betas done about 11:30am and was told if the numbers were fine I would not get a call and I was to get more done on Wednesday. If it was bad news I would receive a call by the end of business day. In case of a threatened miscarriage I just sat in the recliner with my feet up and hung out with my mom and little sister for support.

My doctor called at about 4pm to break the news.

My mother knew what it meant if I received a call so as I was talking to Dr. E she let DH know so he could come home from work. He is taking it badly but at the same time trying to be strong for me. I didn't have the heart to tell anymore else. Thankfully my mother took it upon herself to notify my older sister and a few other people without me even asking her. I am very thankful for that.

She took us out to eat at a Mongolian Barbecue place that was very good. I had a mini break down at the table though because my symptoms had started to fade. I was eating meat. My aversion had gone away.

Today I am still devastated and heart broken. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out. I know it was only with us a short time and the heart hadn't even started beating yet but it was still my child. My child that was taken from me too soon and that I will never meet. Even if I get pregnant again nothing could replace this child.

DH and I talked about it and we will be NTNP (not trying, not preventing) this cycle. I am  not allowed to take Clomid again until my first AF after the loss and that is perfectly fine by me. I would take this cycle off completely but DH wants to get back on the horse. Even though it is hard for me to consider right now I know he is right and this is what I would have wanted to do in hindsight after my grief starts to fade. So he is saving me from that regret. I am still going to temp so I will know if I ovulated or not but I won't be using OPKs or anything like that.