Cycle 11 CD33 (9dpo) - Patience Bootcamp

When dealing with infertility (or even just being actively TTC) it seems you are constantly waiting for something.

Waiting for Aunt Flow
Waiting to start your fertility medication
Waiting for your thermometer to beep before moving a muscle
Waiting for a positive OPK
Waiting to pee so your urine isn't too diluted
Waiting 5 minutes before looking at the test so you know it will be accurate
Waiting for crosshairs to confirm ovulation
Waiting for some new promising symptom to show up
Waiting till at least 10dpo to test
Waiting to pee (again)
Waiting 5 minutes (again)
Waiting for AF
Waiting for doctor appointments
Waiting for lab results
Waiting for OPKs/HPTs to arrive in the mail

Waiting for my turn.

It's easy to get frustrated when it feels like all you are doing is waiting. Months are passing you by as you wait for one thing or another. Can't we just move forward already?

Instead of getting frustrated I have decided to look at this as Patience Bootcamp. Patience is a virtue, after all. In this fast paced, instantly connected world of ours I could definitely use some more patience. I'm used to instant news updates, instant messaging, Netflix Instant Queue, Instagram, instant mashed potatoes, instant pudding, instant oatmeal, instant grits, etc (can you tell I'm hungry?). Waiting for something that means so much to us isn't going to do me any harm. After all, I'm going to need patience as a mother. I may not be a parent yet, but I worked in day care and I watched my little sister often when she was a baby. One thing I learned is the more frustrated you get the fussier they are. I choose to use this time in my life for personal growth. Maybe through all this waiting I will be better prepared to deal with a crying, colicy baby until DH gets home and I can finally take a shower. Or to deal with a toddler who insists on answering every question with "no". I doubt anyone has started their therapy session of with, "Well you see Doc, my mother was just too patient with me as a child."

Cycle 10 CD29 (12dpo) - Big Effin' Negitive

I was so sure. I don't know why I was, just set myself up for disappointment. For the past week or so I've felt like I had some great symptoms. I tested at 9dpo and thought I saw a really super faint line. Like one of those that you only see sometimes. Normally I would have just thought "line eye" and not gotten my hopes up, but very recently one of my friends had a line like that at 9/10dpo and then got great lines a few days later. But I guess it really was line eye or an indent maybe. This batch of tests seem to get a lot of indents.

So next cycle. Next cycle. Sigh. AF should be here tomorrow or Friday. I hope she waits until Friday because I'm going almost two hours away tomorrow for my dress fitting, and I really don't want to have to deal with that. This next cycle is going to be problematic because of our cruise. I'm not sure what to do. We'll be gone from CD9/10 till CD17/18 which is pretty inconvenient. I'm supper glad I won't have AF, but this is about the worst possible timing other than that. If I O the same time I did this cycle, which I think is safe to assume since the protocol is the same, then I'll O the last day or two of our cruise. If I go back to O'ing CD20 then I'll still be in my fertile period on the cruise.

I know what you're thinking, "Babymoon! Vacation is a great time to conceive!" This is probably true for most people, but in our situation it's not as easy as that. I want to just relax on this vacation we've been planning for like 7 months or something. Unfortunately "relax and it will happen" isn't as applicable when you're infertile. For one thing Clomid makes me pretty miserable. For another trying to temp on vacation isn't going to be easy. Who wants to carry around OPKs and a plastic pee cup on vacation? I know I won't be able to take my Metformin. I can't even remember to take it when we go out to dinner now, so there's no way I'm going to remember on vacation, and I have to take it right with dinner or it makes me sick. I'm going to have to take 6 different supplements with us and remember to take them everyday. I'm going to have to keep track of our BD timing and make sure it's enough but not too much, and no one wants to worry about that on vacation.

So the logical thing would be to take the cycle off, right? Only that comes with it's own problems. A while back I read an article about new research that suggests cycles starting with an induced AF have a lower pregnancy rate. I can already tell by my temps that cycles starting with an induced period are different than ones with a natural one. The time we conceived was the only time so far that I ovulated after a natural AF. So it seems like this next cycle might have a better chance since I will have a natural AF. If I skip next cycle and don't take Clomid, then I probably won't O and have to induce AF again, and them when we start back TTC my chances will be lower again. Sigh.

Oh and one of my pregnant friends went for a scan today and was told it's likely her baby won't survive due to bad Down's or a heart defect or both. She's been bleeding for a few days. Oh and my friend I mentioned earlier who had the super faint line on 9/10dpo and then got great lines lost her baby too. This year is really starting out with a bang.

Cycle 10 CD21 (5DPO) - We did it!

I searched forever for a Dora "we did it" gif and could not find one. =[ So this jpeg of her high-fiving Boots will just have to do.

Anyway, as you can see by the blog title my ovaries managed not only to ovulate, but do it three days early! Yeah! Normally I would have just ovulated but this cycle I'm already halfway to testing time. Hopefully implantation will be in the next few days. Last time I felt some weird twinges at 7dpo which I'm guessing was around implantation so I know I'm going to be looking for that again. Would it be weird if my new year's resolution was to give birth?

I've had some new symptoms this TWW that I'm not sure are good or bad. I had a migraine yesterday that finally went away overnight, but then showed back up tonight about two hours ago. It's common for me to have a migraine a few times a month but I've never had one after O. Look at me acting like I'm an LP pro when my sample size is 3. =D I guess it's still to early in my TWW career to know if this is "normal" for me. Along with that I've also had extremely sore nipples since 2dpo. I've gotten breast tenderness before but this is new.

I've noticed something about my temps. The green line is the first time I ovulated since February. My starting pre-o temps were about as high as my post-O temps. Then the purple line was the third month I O'd (total), which directly followed the green month. Those pre-O temps were much lower in relation to my post-O temps. Only one of them was over the coverline. The blue line is this cycle. As you can see, it follows the same pattern as the green line. Both of those cycles followed an anovulatory one where I had to take provera to induce AF. So it seems following an anov cycle my pre-O temps are high. I of course hope that this is my last cycle for a long time, but I am interested to see what my temps would be like next cycle. My guess is they would be closer to the purple line. 

As I think I've mentioned before, along with my womanly issues I also have chronic chest pain. I was on a medication to help that but for reasons I won't go into I couldn't get a refill for a few months. Well I just started taking it again which is awesome. The pain gets worse when I do any physical activity, but it's not so bad when I'm on this medication. I can still only do light exercise for about 15 minutes, but hey it's something. I just got a yoga mat (before I was using a folded up blanket lol) and my little sister got Just Dance 4 and is begging me to play it with her. I really want to play with her and start yoga back but I'm scared to being in the TWW and all. I wasn't so worried Christmas Eve/Christmas but now that I'm in the potential implantation zone I'm a bit paranoid. I've heard so many conflicting things. Maybe I'll forgo the Just Dance and only do yoga poses that don't target your abs. 

We watched The Happening a few days ago. Sorry if this is a spoiler but at the end the female lead takes a pregnancy test. I thought it was pretty funny because when they showed it the test line was EXACTLY the same as the control line. I've seen a lot of pregnancy tests in the 14 months we've been TTC and it's pretty rare for them to be exactly the same in my experience. Usually if it's before AF is due the test line is lighter. If she had waited until AF was several days late (like they weren't TTC and just got worried) it probably would have been darker than the control, unless she has a short LP. I mean I know people who had tests darker than the control at 16dpo! So anyway I just thought that was funny. I probably wouldn't have noticed if we hadn't been TTC so long.

Yeah, I don't believe it either. 

Just think, next time I write a blog post I might know if we were successful or not! AF isn't do until next Friday but I'm going to start testing on Monday. 

Cycle 9 CD39 (10DPO?) - Sick Again

I'm sick again. My mom has some kind of viral infection so I'm wondering if I caught it from her. No matter what it is I feel absolutely awful. Blech. The terrible thing is, I got sick last TWW at about the same time and then I got a BFP so being sick made me a little hopeful. I've also had a bit of spotting around when you should have IB. I doubt I even ovulated and here I go symptom spotting... I took a test just in case but I'm pretty sure it's negative. 

I promise I will post all my left over 30 Days of Thanks when I start to feel better. Don't think I'm going to make Iron Commenter for ICLW, though. Maybe next month?

Top to bottom: flash, autofix, natural. All the same test. Play with it at CTP.

Cycle 9 CD33 (4DPO?) - The Girl Who Waited

Shout out to all the whovians reading this blog! Really feel like "the girl who waited" today. Only instead of waiting for the Doctor, I'm waiting to know what the flying furry flamingos is going on with my cycle. 

WTFFF?

As you can see by my chart, I technically have crosshairs. This is using the research interpretation method on FF. If I'm on advanced which is the recommended one I don't have CHs. I did yesterday, but I guess my temp was too low today so they took it away. Also as you'll notice I had some EWCM which is why they are dotted. So now I'm at 4dpo and I still don't really know if I ovulated or not. I waited 29 days to possibly ovulate when normal people have finished their two week wait by now, then another three days to see if I would get CHs. I finally do after several fake outs this cycle and they get taken away the next day! I was supposed to start Provera after four weeks which would have been almost a week ago, but I waited because I got an iffy OPK. 53% of people on CTP say it was positive. Each day I wait to see what is going on potentially means another day before this cycle will be over.

I decided screw it, I'm taking the provera anyway. I took it tonight and will take it till probably 16dpo as I get 13 pills. You can stop after 10 but I usually don't because I'm scared it won't work. Because provera is a type of progesterone it should be fine even if I did ovulate and we caught the egg. I looked up info on it for a long, long time before deciding to take it because I don't want to do anything that could cause a potential second m/c. I even spoke to a pharmacist who told me it will be fine I just have to make sure I test before stopping it. If I stop it in early pregnancy it could cause a m/c the same way a progesterone deficiency can. I got my first positive at 10dpo last cycle, so I figure by 16dpo I should test positive if I'm ever going to. If I do get a BFP I will tell the doctor and I guess stay on it for a while or something. According to my research some doctors actually prescribe provera in the TWW to women with a progesterone deficiency.

The bad thing about this is, I could potentially never know if I really ovulated or not. If my temp goes down even further then I probably didn't. However if it goes back up that could be caused by the provera. Either way I will be going back on Clomid next cycle (unless I get a BFP) so I guess it doesn't really matter if I O'd or not. I'm leaning towards no because I haven't in the past and while m/c can make you more fertile than normal, some healthy women don't even O their first cycle.

Cycle 9 CD4 - Best and Worst Day of My Life

I didn't blog last week because I was really ill, and being in the middle of the TWW there wasn't much to say anyway.

This week though I have some bad news.

Thursday morning (10DPO) I tested and got a really super faint line. I kept testing all weekend and got some BFNs and some BFMs (Big Fat Maybe). Finally on Sunday morning I got what I have been waiting so long for - a clear BFP with a faint but definitely pink second line. I was so over joyed. I had some very definite pregnancy symptoms along with the same TWW symptoms from last time. Starting on Friday I developed an aversion to meat. I knew food aversions were typical but I didn't know meat specifically was common. It made deciding on dinner quite difficult but it was worth it. Sunday morning I developed a strong sense of smell. I did not expect this as I never heard of that being a symptom before. I never actually vomited but I was nauseous and did dry heave a few times. Yay the joys of morning sickness! I was too happy to complain about any of this stuff.

Unfortunately Sunday afternoon I started bleeding. It was heartbreaking seeing that first streak of blood. I started crying and told my husband who urged me to call my doctor. Since she is also a family friend I have her cell phone number so I was able to call her directly despite it being Sunday. She said some bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal but I could also be miscarrying. I was to go to the office in the morning and get betas done to check my numbers. The bleeding continued throughout the night and cramping would come and go as well.

Monday was so nerve wracking. I got my betas done about 11:30am and was told if the numbers were fine I would not get a call and I was to get more done on Wednesday. If it was bad news I would receive a call by the end of business day. In case of a threatened miscarriage I just sat in the recliner with my feet up and hung out with my mom and little sister for support.

My doctor called at about 4pm to break the news.

My mother knew what it meant if I received a call so as I was talking to Dr. E she let DH know so he could come home from work. He is taking it badly but at the same time trying to be strong for me. I didn't have the heart to tell anymore else. Thankfully my mother took it upon herself to notify my older sister and a few other people without me even asking her. I am very thankful for that.

She took us out to eat at a Mongolian Barbecue place that was very good. I had a mini break down at the table though because my symptoms had started to fade. I was eating meat. My aversion had gone away.

Today I am still devastated and heart broken. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out. I know it was only with us a short time and the heart hadn't even started beating yet but it was still my child. My child that was taken from me too soon and that I will never meet. Even if I get pregnant again nothing could replace this child.

DH and I talked about it and we will be NTNP (not trying, not preventing) this cycle. I am  not allowed to take Clomid again until my first AF after the loss and that is perfectly fine by me. I would take this cycle off completely but DH wants to get back on the horse. Even though it is hard for me to consider right now I know he is right and this is what I would have wanted to do in hindsight after my grief starts to fade. So he is saving me from that regret. I am still going to temp so I will know if I ovulated or not but I won't be using OPKs or anything like that.

Cycle 8 CD22 (2DPO) - Deja Vu

So I did end up jixing myself and having some awful side effects after my last post. The nausea and hot flashes were terrible! The combination of the two kept me up several nights. Thankfully the mood swings weren't so bad. When I did have them they were more mild than last cycle. I did end up crying a few times because of the lack of positive OPKs and got a bit angrier than usual at DH but nothing worse than what I hear PMS is like for some. I was on estrogen CD9-13 which I think is what helped decrease them at first. I was taking it to try and help improve my lining but that's a pretty nice result as well!

I did finally get a +OPK on CD18. It was pretty late at night so it might as well have been CD19. I didn't take this into account at first so became quite frustrated when I was still having fertile signs the morning of CD20 and my temp was also still down. I expected to ovulate the day after the +OPK. Now when I think back, I kinda did O the day after when you consider how late on CD18 I got the +OPK. If I lived just an hour and a half east of here it would have been CD19 already. I did O later in the day of CD20 and my temp was up on CD21.

This really annoys me that even being on the higher dose of Clomid I still did not O before CD20. That's the same day I O'd last cycle! The whole reason I went up to 200mg was so I would O earlier. =[ So I basically went through a week of more intense nausea and hot flashes for nothing. It makes me wonder, why? Why wasn't it earlier? Would I have ovulated even later or not at all if I had stayed on 150? I ovulated once on 50mg but then the next month that dose was no longer sufficient.

I still haven't called the doctor to let them know I've O'd. I wanted to make sure that the higher temp wasn't a fluke. I will try to call tomorrow. I am wondering if they will want me to go up to 250mg. That's the highest I can go up if I remember correctly. The whole point of going to 200 was to make it earlier, so since that didn't work it makes sense to try 250 right? Just because this didn't work doesn't mean going up again won't.  I'm scared to do that though because if the side effects were this bad on 200, what will they be like on 250? If I don't try 250 am I going to stay on 200 or go back down to 150 since they had similar results? Hopefully I will get a BFP in a week and a half so I don't have to worry about it.

My chart overlay looks really interesting so far. You can definitely see the same pattern pre-O, and my post O temps are exactly the same! I imagine this is just a coincidence and will change in the next few days but I still think it's really neat. This is the first time I've been able to compare two ovulatory charts of mine.

Cycle 7 CD33 (13DPO) - Limbo

I'm getting this post out late as I'm still waiting for a conclusive answer either way. When I ovulated the first time I had a 12 day LP, and based on the cramps I was getting yesterday I expected AF to show up late last night or early this morning. I was surprised to wake up and find out she had postponed her visit. Took an HPT this morning and also tonight and they were both BFN. Did a little research and apparently Clomid can extend your LP by several days. One person mentioned she had a 12 day LP before and then with Clomid had a 17 day LP! So now that's what I'm expecting. If I get AF before then I will be very happy though so I can start my new cycle.

Like I briefly mentioned above my cramps have started already. Yesterday they were painful but I was mostly able to deal with it. Today they feel like AF is already here. I've had to take two of my pain pills and it still kind of hurts. So this is why I'm thinking I'm dealing with an extended LP instead of getting a late BFP. I'll continue testing just in case though. Probably only every other day from now on so I don't use up all my tests.

Symptoms So Far

Fatigue, bloating, decreased appetite, nausea, backache, tender breasts, skin break out

Cycle 7 CD26 (6DPO) - Emotional Rollercoaster

I was hesitantly hopeful when I started this cycle. Not that I would get a BFP, just that I would ovulate. My Clomid had been upped again, I was going to do better about my Metformin, and I had started taking the correct dose of DHA. After coming off of another anovulatory cycle I was trying to stay positive.

Then I started noticing fertile CM and my OPKs were getting darker. I began to really think, "This is it! Finally after 7 months I'm going to O again!". Only I didn't. The CM dried up and the OPKs went blank. I became quite depressed. I started thinking about the fact that I can only increase the Clomid two more times.  I actually started to think, "Well at least I'll only have to go through this two more cycles and then I can just get used to the fact it won't happen." It was a terrible three days.

When my CM became fertile again and my OPKS started showing lines I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought I was excited before, but this was a whole 'nother ballgame. I cried when I looked at the positive OPK. I'm sure that has something to do with the Clomid's affect on my emotions, people shouldn't cry just because they see a +OPK. I should save those tears for the +HPT! But really, to me it was just like getting a BFP. I had hope again! Even if I don't get a BFP this cycle, I now believe there's a chance I will O again next cycle. Eventually one of those O's will turn into a BFP, right? It doesn't have to be this cycle.

Now I'm getting excited about a possible +HPT. I told myself I wouldn't, I would just be happy if I O'd, but I can't help myself. I am really trying to contain it because I don't want to fall again. I haven't ovulated enough times to know my normal progesterone symptoms, so there's no way to know if what I'm feeling is normal or not. I keep thinking about how perfect it would be - to announce it for our anniversary, to be in the second trimester during our cruise, to deliver before the heat of summer. I'm honestly pretty giddy. But I need to ground myself before I regret it.

Last night I had a dream I tested this morning and it was positive. Unfortunately it was ectopic. That crushed dream me. I shouldn't really have to say this, but when I wished for a BFP that's not what I meant, okay? I want a viable pregnancy or none at all. I was so upset by it I actually did take a test this morning, and it was negative as it should be. I don't really know much about ectopic pregnancies and how they show up on tests, but I know it takes about 3 days for a fertilized egg to travel down the fallopian tubes and then after implantation it takes 2-3 days for the HCG to build up enough to get a BFP. So I feel like to get a +HPT this early it would just about have to be ectopic. I feel better now after seeing the negative test.

I'll be testing again for real either Thursday or Saturday (maybe both). AF is due on Monday so I should know either way by my next update. Finger's crossed for me, please!

Symptoms So Far

Fatigue, skin break out, nausea, bloating,

Cycle 7 CD19 - The Surge

Look at that OPK. Isn't it beautiful? I kind of want to print it out and hang it on the wall. I'd frame the actual OPK but I already threw it away and they fade with time anyway. Even though I know it's positive I threw it up on countdowntopregnancy.com's gallery to see what everyone else would say. As of this writing it has 27 votes for positive and only one for negative. I am going to assume that person who voted negative just doesn't know what they are talking about. =]

Yesterday DH, my mother, and I went to visit my older sister who lives about an hour and a half away. We were there pretty much all day. She colored my hair and then we went to dinner. I didn't take any OPKs while I was there as I'm not ready to tell her we are TTC. I'm a terrible liar so I couldn't just make up another reason for taking an OPK and my pee cup into her bathroom lol. I never had an opportunity to sneak it in. By the time we left I had a terrible migraine so I didn't take one before bed either. It's possible I started surging yesterday but if so at least I didn't miss it altogether.

I talked to the nurse today and she said since I'm on such a high dose of Clomid I shouldn't have a progesterone deficiency. Honestly I'm still a little worried though since I'm not having any CD21 blood work done. I almost want to pick up some OTC cream and use it just in case. I don't know what I will do with myself if I end up having a miscarriage because of something avoidable. I'll talk with DH tonight when he gets home and see what he thinks. I don't think too much progesterone is a bad thing, but I don't want to do it without my doctor's permission and have it screw up my blood work if I do get a BFP. What if it comes back saying my progesterone is fine but that's only because of the cream?

She also said if I get a BFN Dr. E. wants me to go up to 200mg next cycle even though I did O this cycle. She wants to see me O'ing much closer to CD14, as early as CD12 if possible. I'm not sure I'll ever O that early since the highest you can go is 250mg but we'll see.

The one time I O'd before my LP was 12 or 13 days (wasn't temping so don't know exact O date) so I should know the results of this cycle by our anniversary which is the 19th. I'll probably test of the 16th if I can hold out till then. I don't have much experience being in the 2WW so I'm not sure how I'll react or how early I'll break down and test.