I was hesitantly hopeful when I started this cycle. Not that I would get a BFP, just that I would ovulate. My Clomid had been upped again, I was going to do better about my Metformin, and I had started taking the correct dose of DHA. After coming off of another anovulatory cycle I was trying to stay positive.
Then I started noticing fertile CM and my OPKs were getting darker. I began to really think, "This is it! Finally after 7 months I'm going to O again!". Only I didn't. The CM dried up and the OPKs went blank. I became quite depressed. I started thinking about the fact that I can only increase the Clomid two more times. I actually started to think, "Well at least I'll only have to go through this two more cycles and then I can just get used to the fact it won't happen." It was a terrible three days.
When my CM became fertile again and my OPKS started showing lines I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought I was excited before, but this was a whole 'nother ballgame. I cried when I looked at the positive OPK. I'm sure that has something to do with the Clomid's affect on my emotions, people shouldn't cry just because they see a +OPK. I should save those tears for the +HPT! But really, to me it was just like getting a BFP. I had hope again! Even if I don't get a BFP this cycle, I now believe there's a chance I will O again next cycle. Eventually one of those O's will turn into a BFP, right? It doesn't have to be this cycle.
Now I'm getting excited about a possible +HPT. I told myself I wouldn't, I would just be happy if I O'd, but I can't help myself. I am really trying to contain it because I don't want to fall again. I haven't ovulated enough times to know my normal progesterone symptoms, so there's no way to know if what I'm feeling is normal or not. I keep thinking about how perfect it would be - to announce it for our anniversary, to be in the second trimester during our cruise, to deliver before the heat of summer. I'm honestly pretty giddy. But I need to ground myself before I regret it.
Last night I had a dream I tested this morning and it was positive. Unfortunately it was ectopic. That crushed dream me. I shouldn't really have to say this, but when I wished for a BFP that's not what I meant, okay? I want a viable pregnancy or none at all. I was so upset by it I actually did take a test this morning, and it was negative as it should be. I don't really know much about ectopic pregnancies and how they show up on tests, but I know it takes about 3 days for a fertilized egg to travel down the fallopian tubes and then after implantation it takes 2-3 days for the HCG to build up enough to get a BFP. So I feel like to get a +HPT this early it would just about have to be ectopic. I feel better now after seeing the negative test.
I'll be testing again for real either Thursday or Saturday (maybe both). AF is due on Monday so I should know either way by my next update. Finger's crossed for me, please!