Are you superstitious?

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Something happened to me tonight that made me think of TTC superstitions. I was wearing my white pj pants, unstained underwear, and had just gotten out of the shower when I started having breakthrough bleeding. It's also on a Saturday at 1am so I can't even call the doctor. It's not the worst possible time, but it's up there.

I remember when we were actively TTC and the superstitions we had or heard of. Wearing white underwear or taking a pregnancy test is a sure fire way to get AF. Standing on your head after you BD helps the boys swim. Buying baby or maternity items is bad luck. Sacrificing kittens to the fertility goddess is good luck. Okay, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea.

In the end I don't actually believe. When things seem to be true it's just confirmation bias. But at times like this I still find myself having little "I should have known!" moments. What about you? Are you truly superstitious, just play along for fun, or think all of it's dumb?

Where did I go?

So apparently it's been like a month since my last real post. Oops. I'm also like a weekish behind on my post about Ruby for From Left to Write. I do still plan on writing that, btw. I've not been having a great time lately. I can't even remember what's been going on the whole time since I posted last, but it probably wasn't good.

I did finally get over my flu like illness at some point. That was a pain in the neck. So yay for eating stuff other than cereal. I've been having more problems with my endo. I got AF and then I've been spotting on and off since. The pain comes and goes as well. Apparently endo has spread closer to my back because I'm having a lot of back pain now. My doctor doesn't think it's from anything else. It sucks though because heat isn't nearly as effective on my back as it is normally. We've increased my aygestin dose again and another lupron shot might be in my future. Josh thinks I should have another lap but we can't exactly afford it.

We had a spell of very nasty weather. Over the last year I've been feeling the weather a lot more than I used to, more than 26 year olds should really. One of our dogs has a storm phobia which also sucks. Parts of our city flooded but our property is fine. Not too far from here whole streets were washed away and stuff so even though the storms weren't fun we're glad we didn't have to deal with that.

My mom graduated with two bachelor degrees on the 27th. Josh kinda graduated too, but he decided not to walk. (He only has internships this summer.) So there were a bunch of events for that. My mom won two awards and he won one! It was quite hard on my body and I think I'm just now recovering. I haven't hardly done anything in my free time since the events started other than lay in bed and watch TV.

Our house had some serious plumbing problems. We had to have a plumber come out with an excavator and replace all the piping from our house to the street and also had to have some pipe in the shower replaced. Something is wrong with the dishwasher too but we aren't gonna deal with that right now because it's not as necessary. As you can imagine it's been stressful and expensive.

Then of course there was Mother's Day. This was my second Mother's Day since the loss and I expected it to be easier than the first one but it wasn't. Maybe it just takes more time, or maybe it will always be this hard. Hopefully we will eventually have other living children and the day will be more bittersweet than just bitter. My mother made things easier for me and decided her graduation dinner would double as Mother's Day lunch. That way I wouldn't have to go out that day or see my hugely pregnant sister. Her baby shower is this weekend I think but I'm not going.

I think that's everything, or all the major stuff at least. Hopefully I'll have something more positive to post about the next time.

Man Plans and God Laughs

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The picture isn't really related, but I thought it was funny and couldn't find one that was related that I liked as much. Last week I talked about my plans for the next couple of weeks, then promptly got sick and didn't do anything. Josh went to the doctor and they said he had a sinus infection. I didn't go to the doctor because I don't need excuses for work/school like he does, but I figure I had something similar and suspect I've developed bronchitis (which I have a history of). I planned to talk to the doctor at my blood work appointment yesterday but she wasn't in yet, just the nurses. There have been a few times I really could have used an inhaler but I've been managing okay with over the counter stuff and lots of cough drops. If I haven't noticed a pretty big improvement by my appointment next week it's definitely something I'll bring up, but other than getting an inhaler there's not much a doctor can do anyway.

So we didn't do anything for Josh's birthday, we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, and we couldn't go visit my friend for her birthday. I figured out yesterday I've known her for 18 years! That is so crazy. There are people in the military who were born after we met. That's 69% of my life. I don't feel old enough to have known someone that long. I'm blessed to still have her in my life even if we can't spend as much time together as I'd like.

Early early yesterday morning (like 3am) I started having a LOT of pain. It felt like it does during the heaviest part of my period. I didn't even know if I was going to make it to my blood work appointment. TMI for a second: I haven't had anything more than spotting, but a lot of CM so I feel like my body is trying to have AF but there just isn't any lining to shed. That's good because there's not supposed to be. Yesterday was CD42 and when I started bleeding last time it was 35 days after my lupron shot so it's been about the same amount of time. It's really weird because I've never been this "regular" in my life without the help of provera. Anyway the good news is because I was in so much pelvic pain I could hardly feel it when they stuck me three times and dug around for a good while each time before getting all the blood they needed.

If you follow my Facebook Page or my Instagram (which you should) you've seen already that I've started doing something I'm calling puppywearing. It's like babywearing, but with puppies. Our dogs, Dobby especially, love to be held when I'm at the computer. Dobby likes it when you cradle him like a baby. If most poodles are like him I can understand how they got a reputation for being spoiled! I don't actually own a wrap or sling or carrier and can't really justify the purchase, but as long as I'm sitting down zipping him up in my hoodie and tucking the bottom under him seems to work pretty well. The other day he fell asleep that way and it was so cute! If this makes me one of those crazy people who try to turn their pets into children because their desire to mother is so strong then I'm okay with that.

Two Month Anniversary

Yesterday marked two months since my lupron shot! Hopefully this means the worst is behind us now. I get my second shot next month, I think right around my birthday (the 6th), and I'm hoping it won't be a repeat of my first month this time around. It's already in my system and the baby maker has been shut down so I shouldn't have to go through that awful transition phase, right? Lord I hope so.

As I mentioned in my punday post things are ever so slowly starting to improve. I finally stopped bleeding at the end of January which was a huge relief. Since then I've noticed a slight improvement in pain. I'm having less moments where no matter what I feel like I'm going to die (or hope that I would already). I've spaced out my prescription pain meds a bit but still need 800mg ibuprofen on top of that. I'm halfway through a book which is awesome because before I felt so terrible all the time I couldn't concentrate on reading. I've sat out the last few From Left to Write books but finger's crossed I can sign up for the one in April.

Little Sister's 15th birthday party is on Saturday and I am a bit worried about that. Anytime I come out of sloth mode I pay for it later. Yesterday I decided to use my pedal exerciser for two sets of 15 minutes at a very relaxed pace and can tell it's definitely taken a toll today. I'm quite introverted so being around people can be exhausting all by itself, never mind doing stuff. I've finally gained some ground and I'm afraid of backsliding. Also as I mentioned before Older Sister will be there and I'm not looking forward to that. Josh's birthday is three days later but I think we're just going to go to dinner so it shouldn't be too bad.

My newly pregnant friend that I wrote about before is still doing well. They officially have a heartbeat! I'm still excited for them and not feeling jealous. This is the best I've taken a pregnancy in years, actually. I hope they are able to come to the party but I also hope I don't accidently let the cat out of the bag since they haven't announced yet!

If you've visited the blog recently you may have noticed something is wrong with my blog design. There is some kind of bug with the template and it won't let me fix it. I'll basically have to start over and put a new generic template on the blog and then edit it to a new design. I'm not sure when I'll feel up to doing it but this is just a heads up in case you visit and it looks funky lol. I think I'm going to change it from blue and pink for babies to orange since that goes with my blog name.

You will be upgraded. You will become like us.

I'm feeling much better physically than I have for the last several weeks. Well I mean, other than the cramps of death. First I had that horrible bacterial infection where I couldn't eat anything, and then I got an ear infection after, and a sore throat, and I had no energy, and it just sucked. But now I feel better. I'm not nearly as fatigued as I've been, I'm not sick, I even think my neck and shoulder are less sore and I have more range of motion. Doing my PT gives me a headache but it's worth it. So overall I'm feeling pretty good.

Last week when AF made a surprise visit I didn't call Dr. E because I already have pain meds for my arthritis. Friday I thought she had left for good, which is about how long I'd expect it to last based on the last few times. Well Saturday she came back, I guess she missed her flight or something. And she brought with her possibly the worst cramps I've ever had in my whole life (which is really saying something). I'm already on anti inflammatories which I've been told are supposed to help, as well as muscle relaxers which I assume would help, you know, relax the cramping muscles. Then I took the absolute max amount of pain meds I am allowed, but I was still in a ball crying and trying to make a deal with any deity who would listen to just make it stop. They've been pretty bad ever since but thankfully not quite as extreme. Played phone tag with Dr. E's nurse on Monday and finally spoke to her rather than her machine yesterday. Right now the plan is to increase my endo meds from 5mg to 7.5mg and see if that stops the bleeding.

I'm now trying to play catch up with pretty much everything I do regularly lol. As of last Thursday I had over 230 blog posts waiting to be read but I'm now down to only 33! Woohoo! I'd be down to zero but you guys insist on posting new things all the time. =P I may go through my subscriptions and remove a few that I find I usually skim. I was also two books behind on my reading goal for the year. I finished one but I'm not anywhere close to finishing another one. I'm on chapter 5 of Percy Jackson 1 but there's like 20 something chapters. I haven't done any meal planning or grocery shopping in forever so we've been eating out a lot (well, takeout). I still haven't gotten my hair cut like I meant to do like a month ago. I know this isn't really important, but I haven't played The Sims (or any other game) in a few weeks and I'm really missing my families. It just seems like there's so much to do and not any time to do it. I did manage to have some sister time with my favorite little sister and made this awesome clay robot. As much as books and blog posts and video games are important to me, making time for my family is what really matters.

Tomorrow is our anniversary! I'm so glad I'm feeling better in time for that. Since I'm still cramping we're keeping it low key and just doing dinner and a movie. I think we're going to see R.I.P.D. No idea where we're going to dinner. Along with our anniversary comes the end of my OPK and HPT giveaway! You have until midnight tomorrow to get your entries in. Remember that commenting on this or other posts is worth 5 entries but they aren't counted automatically, you have to manually enter at the link above.

This Week Sucks

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This has just been a sucky week so far. I'm ready for some good news and happiness! On Sunday I found out an IF friend lost their baby just a week or two after graduating due to anencephaly. For those lucky enough to not know what that is, basically part of the skull and/or brain do not form because of a neural tube defect. So yeah, that sucks.

Another friend who I mentioned two weeks ago has been in limbo since then. It's not my place to really talk about it all, but it's kinda been a rollercoaster of good news and bad news. Today she found out for sure it's not viable. My heart truly breaks for them, in fact I'm on the verge of tears. She is one of the people I care about most and I hate that she not only has to go through this, but there's nothing I can do to make it better.

Then I got a few pregnancy announcements from people who either weren't trying or weren't infertile. I've gotten a bit better about taking announcements well but these just came at a bad time. It's hard to see people get pregnant so easily when my IF friends are suffering so deeply. I cleaned out my Facebook friends list, going from over 200 friends to 98, and hid some of those I didn't feel like I could delete. I need to do my instagram as well since so many are announcing on there now. I think now there is a smaller chance of seeing announcements from people who I wouldn't be genuinely happy for.

Yesterday night AF showed up out of the blue. Since I've been on the Aygestin she's only shown up when I missed a dose, but I know for sure I didn't this time. After I missed a dose and got AF in June I set an alarm on my phone like I used to do for birth control to remind me to take it. There are also a few other medications I'm taking at the same time so I know I didn't just turn the alarm off and then forget. I finally get used to what my body's doing and then it switches it up on me. Thankfully the Aygestin is at least doing some of what it's supposed to and keeping my lining thin because it's much, much lighter than my usual, however it's still very painful.

Along with that we've also been dealing with some drama over the last two weeks that came to a head last night. I'm glad I'm "out" about my blog most of the time, but the downside to not being anonymous is not being able to talk freely about stuff like this. Someone I really care about is being mistreated and over the last few weeks things have escalated until Friday this person was removed from the situation and they came to stay with us. We have tried to be supportive and help this person as much as we can, but there is only so much we can do. Yesterday they ran back to the abuser despite everything we've done to keep them safe. This is a pattern that has been ongoing since I was a teenager and we just feel so used and angry at the both of them. As much as we want to see this person out of the situation for good, we have to remove ourselves from their cycle of abuse for our own good. You can't help someone until they're ready to help themselves.

Our anniversary is coming up next Thursday the 19th which also happens to be Talk Like A Pirate Day. We don't have any plans yet but I'm looking forward to having something to celebrate rather than mourn.

Meet the Parents

I was looking for this scene from The Shining and found this instead, so you're welcome.

DH's dad and step mom were here over the weekend, which was both good and bad. We haven't seen his dad for years and have never met his step mom in person so that was nice. Unfortunately I learned that it's very easy to over exert myself right now and regret it later. My pain was much, much worse the last couple of days than before they came to visit. I also remember that it was worse after my friend's wedding too. On Saturday we are going to a water park and I'm already mentally preparing myself to be in a lot of pain after.

Their visit also meant taking a detour from low carb land to Olive Garden which was delicious. I almost always get the five cheese ziti, but I was a good girl and got the moscato peach chicken instead. It was supposed to be 30 something less grams of carbs, plus I didn't even eat all the pasta! And I didn't eat a single bread stick, if you can believe it! I did get the gnocchi soup instead of salad but over all I call it a win.

Saturday night I started spotting unexpectedly. After looking on Fertility Friend it happened right at the time I was supposed to get AF. By Sunday it was fairly heavy for spotting, almost enough to be a light flow. I was expecting it to get worse (the inspiration for today's gif) but it never did. By Tuesday it had basically stopped. I was going to call Dr. E about it but decided not to. I think the timing was really a coincidence since FF is basing that on cycles I ovulate. I missed a dose of the Aygestin a day or two before it started so I think that's why. If it happens again I'll definitely call about it but I'd rather not have to increase my dose if I don't have to. If we double it I'll be paying $70-100 dollars a month for this stuff. No thank you.

Speaking of which, I transferred my prescription to Walgreens as it's cheaper there and they give you a $25 gift card for transferring. The woman who checked me out looked at her computer, then to me, then back to the computer, then back to me and asked, "Are you pregnant?" I had to say no, I wasn't anymore. She said "okay good, because you can't take this while pregnant." I just smiled back and checked out. Of course I was thinking no, it's not good. I would much rather still be pregnant and have no need for this stuff. I don't even know how they knew about the pregnancy. I had a little mini breakdown then went and got a Tropical Smoothie and felt better. I just can't let that kind of stuff bother me. Of course I've had a migraine of varying intensity for who knows how many days and that's not helping.

A blog post that's less than 500 words! I think that's a record for my long winded self. I guess I'll stop here before I ruin it haha.

ETA: Eek! I forgot to remind everyone that my giveaway ends tonight! So go enter if you haven't already!

It's Official

Can't find the original source, sorry.

It feels weird not titling my Wednesday post with Cycle 13 CD5. That's something I've been doing since I started this blog 7 months and 6 cycles ago. I guess now that we aren't TTC anymore it doesn't matter how many cycles ago we started. I guess I can get rid of my desktop ticker as well. In the last year and 5 months we've gone from having no hope at all, to ovulating finally and having a little hope, to YES! being pregnant, to having our souls crushed, to being absolutely certain we'd be pregnant again soon, back to no hope at all. The last year and a half has certainly been interesting. Now it's all over.

AF arrived on Saturday. I'm so thankful to Dr. E for letting me text her on weekends to get more tramadol. If I thought I was in pain before, that was nothing compared to the cramps that showed up with AF. I'm glad that's over as of last night and I'm back down to my regular amount of pain for the most part. Of course I'd rather just not hurt at all.

Speaking of Dr. E, I had an appointment with her today to talk about my pain. Internal ultrasound didn't show any cysts so she's pretty sure my endo has grown back. She put me on something called Aygestin which should help. She said it works for 80-90% of endo cases, but then again so does birth control which didn't help me long term. It works by reducing estrogen which keeps my uterine lining from thickening. It also stops the production of FSH and LH so my body won't even attempt to ovulate. While I'm on it I shouldn't have any bleeding at all! So that should eliminate the pain from AF and stop the lining from accidentally getting outside my uterus. It also causes whatever lining I have now both inside and outside my uterus to atrophy which should eliminate the pain I'm feeling now. Obviously this means no more TTC.

I started on 5mg today and if I have any bleeding within the next few weeks I'm supposed to call and get my dose increased. Once we get to a level where there's no bleeding I'll just stay on it either until we decide to use donor sperm or for the next 20 years ish. Unfortunately one of the possible side effects is bone thinning so they don't want you to stay on it past your 40's. It must be similar to the depo shot in some way because my mom ended up getting her hysterectomy because she wasn't allowed to get that anymore for the same reason. I've been taking a calcium supplement for a while because of it's positive effects while TTC so I guess I'll just keep taking it.

The good thing is if this does work then I should be able to go back to school and/or find a job. Once that happens we can begin really saving for adoption, or even IVF since I'll still have my uterus. I'm trying not to get too hopeful though.

As far as my mental state regarding stopping TTC and most likely never having bio kids, I'm not really sure how I'm doing. It's hard to tell if what I'm feeling is from depression or just the drugs. I always feel kind of tired and listless after I've been on pain medication this many days straight. I did almost break out in tears in the waiting room from having to see so many smiling pregnant women. I guess that is to be expected when you go see an OB/GYN.

Cycle 12 CD5 - Femara is my Valentine

I'm a day late. Again. Just wasn't feeling up to blogging yesterday. Thank you everyone who commented on my last post, I'm really not looking for pity I just want people to understand and not expect more than I'm capable of. Today however I am feeling much better and I'm pretty sure I have Femara to thank for that.

This cycle we increased my dose from 2.5 to 5mg so hopefully that gets me an earlier O. I noticed last cycle that about 12 hours after taking my first dose AF slowed considerably. I was still cramping but the flow wasn't as heavy. By the next day I was only spotting. Well, the same thing happened this cycle! I still had a light flow CD4 but now I'm down to spotting. The cramps are much better today as well. I think it could have been a coincidence if it happened once, but now I definitely think it has something to do with Femara. Just another reason I'm glad I switched.

Publix called the other day saying my Metformin was ready to be picked up. For those who don't know, Publix fills Metformin (and a bunch of other stuff) for free which is totally awesome. They also refill your monthly prescriptions automatically instead of you having to call it in. Well I realized that only about half of my last bottle had been used. I guess that shows how bad I was about my medications last cycle. I am back on the wagon though and have taken my medications and supplements every day this cycle like a good girl.

DH is supposed to get his SA done tomorrow so we could use all your spare good vibes/thoughts/prayers/whatever you're into. I have enough issues already it would really suck if he did too. We are hoping things are fine on his end since I was able to conceive only the third time I ovulated, but we could have just gotten lucky. I will be sure to post an update on that next week.

In non-TTC related blogging news, I made a Facebook page! Why? I don't really know. Maybe in case people want to stay updated that way rather than use GFC? A lot of bloggers have pages so there must be some use to them. I do plan on posting a link to my posts every week and maybe some other random nonsense. So if you want to "like" me, you can. I added badges to the sidebar for my Facebook, Goodreads, and Instagram in case you want to see a bunch of pictures of my dog.

A Day in the Life

Watching feminine product commercials really make me jealous. I know probably no one has a "happy period", but there are women who can go to the pool. Or go to lunch with their friends. Or even be semi-productive at their job. It feels like most people don't realize just how bad my periods are. I'm not trying to play in the Pain Olympics or play the "my life sucks more than yours" game, I just want people to understand. If I cancel plans with you, if I call out of work (when I was working), if I don't return your text or cut conversations short, it's not an excuse. I really just can't. So here's a day in the life of someone with Dysmenorrhea and Menorrhagia.

Caution: This is going to get TMI

Cry out/sob in the middle of my sleep, waking up my husband who stumbles in the dark looking for my pain medication. I take 1-2 Tramadol every 6-8 hours, plus 2 extra strength Tylenol every 6 hours. Once the pain goes down enough, I fall back asleep.

Wake up again in flight mode. You know that feeling like something is wrong and you have to flee. I have leaked out of my tampon/pad again. Rush to the bathroom, carefully slip off my underwear, take the pad off, and throw them in the bathtub. I have learned not to wear pants if I can help it. Dispose of tampon, take off the rest of my clothes and jump in the shower. While in the shower hand-wash my panties as best as possible, hoping they don't stain but knowing they will. Scrub off any blood on my body. By now the adrenaline of waking up is starting to calm down and I can feel the cramps again. Put in an ultra tampon, search the bedroom for any drinkable liquid, take another Tramadol and lay down till it kicks in. The bed and pillow will be wet but they were already dirty anyway.

When I'm feeling up to it put on a nightgown or some already ruined pj/yoga pants. Go back to the bathroom and change the tampon again and also put on a pad. Take some Tylenol, cry myself back to sleep. I don't sleep well as I try to stay aware of how it's feeling downstairs so I don't make a mess again.

Get back up. Change tampon/pad. Our plumbing is supposed to be able to handle tampons but I use so many in a day that it clogs it up. I have to alternate flushing and wrapping them up in tissue to throw away. Have to make sure the bathroom door stays closed so the dog doesn't try and find the blood. I check the time to see if I can take anymore Tramadol yet.

Call the nurse to let her know AF has arrived and update her on when I ovulated, wait while she asks Dr. E about this cycle's protocol. Ask for another Tramadol prescription. Find something on Netflix and lay back down because I hurt too much to do anything else. Probably cry some more.

Try to read, but can't concentrate because of the pain and the fuzzy feeling the drugs give me.

Try to play a video game but kill myself when an extra awful cramp catches me off guard.

Wish I was a man.

Wonder if I really want a baby. Maybe getting a hysterectomy isn't such a bad idea,

Restart whatever I was watching on Netflix because I missed most of it.

My little sister asks me to do something with her. Come play Just Dance with me! Let's go to the park! I can barely hobble from the couch to the bathroom. Can we watch a movie? Try to find something I've seen a dozen times so it won't matter if I can't pay attention.

Take more Tramadol/Tylenol as needed. It's always needed. Take as often as time allows.

Change tampon/pad every 3-2 hours. Sometimes less than half an hour. I always know when it's going to get really heavy like that as the cramps get worse. I bring my iPod into the bathroom and just lay on the tile floor in between changes as there's no point in leaving. In the summer I will take another shower and just sit in the bathtub with the water running, but we run out of hot water too fast in the winter.

Husband comes home, thank God! He can get me something to eat. I probably haven't eaten all day, takes too much effort. When the cramps get extra bad he will massage my abdomen in between my belly button and my pubic bone. It seems to help.

Scotty wants to play. He wants to go for a walk and smell all the smells and pee on all the mailboxes. I'm sorry, you can look at me with those big puppy eyes as much as you want, I can't do it. Try not to cry.

Go to bed early. All the medication makes me sleepy and hurting so much is exhausting. I'm probably getting to be anemic as well. Good thing I started taking iron. Make sure to change my tampon/pad and take more Tramadol before getting in bed. Hope I don't have to wake up too many times during the night.

It has taken me all day to write this. I'm not looking for sympathy. Really. But if I tell you I can't do X because AF is in town, believe me. Do not patronize me by saying, "Oh it's just cramps! Take a midol." Otherwise I'll probably bleed all over you.

Cycle 11 CD4 - Sharing the Good News

First I want to remind everyone to comment on my International Blog Delurking Week post. I know more than three people are reading this!

No, I'm not talking about Jesus. You guys can look up info on him on your own if you wish. =P Some very good things have happened since my last cycle update that I'm very excited to share with everyone! First, last week's post was featured on Stirrup Queen's Friday Blog Round Up. If you're unfamiliar with her, she curates Stirrup Queen’s Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer as well as hosting IComLeavWe for the ALI community. So she's kind of a big deal. I feel like I've moved up a step in my blogging career.

Secondly, AF was two/three days late. I say two/three because in the past I've had an LP of both 12 and 13 days. Last cycle it jumped up to 15! I was freaking out for a while but she finally showed up. I guess the extra Clomid made my progesterone go up so it was increased. I felt all TWW like my progesterone was higher as my symptoms were more intense, so this seems plausible to me. The good news is I almost definitely will not O on the cruise now so we can just relax. CD17 isn't even till two days after we get back and I highly doubt I will O that early again. So that is something we no longer have to worry about.

The big, BIG, news though is we are switching to Femara!! Yup, no more Clomid for me. I'm all about less side effects, especially this cycle. Femara isn't supposed to dry your CM out like Clomid does so that eliminates one of my supplements. We are starting back at the beginning with 2.5mg (~50mg Clomid) so I doubt I will even O this cycle. Some people respond better to Femara than Clomid so it's possible but I expect an anov cycle. That's okay though because I no longer have to worry about stopping treatment in a few cycles. I feel like I can afford to have an anov cycle, even though they suck big hairy monkey balls. If my cycle is probably going to be anov anyway, there's no point in stressing about it on the cruise. If I can't temp and use OPKs and take my supplements religiously on the cruise it shouldn't really matter. I still want to try and temp or use OPKs though so I will know for sure if I didn't ovulate, and can start provera as soon as possible. Of course I really hope I do O even if I don't feel the pressure to catch it.

If you're not aware, Femara is way more expensive than Clomid which is why we didn't switch earlier. We didn't think we could afford it. However one of my friends told me about a coupon that makes it like 80% off! I was able to get 5 tablets for about $5. If I ended up taking 7.5mg eventually that would only cost about $10. So it's really comparable to Clomid this way. If you're interested in switching yourself, the coupon is from goodrx.com.

Cycle 10 CD1 - Back to the Grind

I almost posted this morning about how irritated I was AF still hadn't shown. I'm glad I waited, as now I can do a CD1 post instead!

I'm excited about this because I've known for a couple of days I wasn't preg. I'm pretty sure I didn't actually O so I changed my setting on FF so it would take my CH's away. I stopped the provera on Saturday after another BFN so have just been waiting for AF since then. Started spotting late Sunday night so expected to start yesterday. Oh well at least she's here now!

Cycle 10 Plan

250mg Clomid - Debating whether to try CD3-7 or stick with 5-9

Estrogen - 5 days starting the day after I finish Clomid

Progesterone - If I think I'm pregnant and I notice a temp drop, otherwise no as I don't want to delay AF

DHA, Calcium+D, Iron, Metformin - every day 

EPO - Twice a day until O

Lemon Water - At least one glass a day until O

Instead Cups

My DH is also drinking lemon water as it's supposed to sway boy by making his swimmers more alkaline  He probably only needs a couple glasses a day but I guess he likes it because it's all he's been drinking for like a week. Doubt it will actually work, but there's no harm in trying.

I'm really pumped about this cycle! If I do get a BFP that is awesome obviously, but if not I'll be going on a cruise right after AF leaves (FX'd she's not still here) so looking forward to that will make it a little easier to deal with. I'm just starting the iron and lemon water this cycle so I hope that helps. I'm also increasing my EPO in case the increased Clomid makes my CM any worse. I've heard good things about using the Instead Cups, but even if they don't help us conceive it should make things... less messy, which is nothing to complain about. =D Looking at a possible Christmas Eve O so might have to send a letter to Santa!

It feels good to be actively TTC again. I definitely needed the break last cycle because I was kind of in a funk, even before the loss. Now though I am ready to go! I have absolutely awful cramps right now even though I've already taken some pain meds, but somehow it's not bothering me. Well it is physically obviously but not mentally. I expect the side effects will be terrible this cycle since we've increased my clomid again but I know it will all be worth it. I have hope now and that is invaluable. Praying it lasts during the long wait till O time...

Cycle 8 CD7 - Insomnia

So yeah as you can see by the title I got AF. I actually got it the day after I posted my last post. While I'm super happy I at least ovulated, I've taken this BFN extra hard. Two friends from high school have given birth in the last few weeks, and I have two more baby showers this upcoming Sunday. It sucks because they got pregnant after we started trying and now they have their babies or are pretty close. I feel like I should be there with them, celebrating my child's birth or going to my baby shower or at least have a BFP. Instead of morning sickness I'm just nauseous from the Clomid. Sigh.

Even though I did ovulate last cycle I've gone up again to 200mg. So far I can't tell much of a difference between 150 and 200 side effect wise. I am really thankful for that. The nausea is still killer and has been keeping me up all night. My DH and I are kind of on different sleep schedules now which kind of sucks. I didn't start having hot flashes till midcycle last time and I'm hoping that will happen again. Gives this Florida heat a little more time to cool off so they are more bearable.

I've noticed the last few days I've been hungrier than usual. I think it might be because I started being serious about taking the Metformin again. I normally have a decreased appetite compared to most people so this is a good thing. It's nice to know I need to eat by hunger signs rather than just guessing based on when I ate last.

I've also started taking Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) to help increase fertile CM. On the 150mg I was a little dryer than I liked so I imagine that would be true or worse for the 200mg. I started taking 1300mg of EPO (that's how big the pills are) after dinner when I take everything else. I noticed right away that it's definitely helping. If you're ever TTC and feel like you could use some help I would highly recommend it.

Today I took my first OPK of the cycle, and it's definitely darker than I imagined it would be. Below is today's on top of last cycle's CD7 OPK for comparison. I am hoping this means I will O earlier this time! Last cycle my OPKs started getting dark and then went back to blank then got dark again so that could just be happening this cycle too. I guess we will know in a couple days. Link to my full OPK series.

Cycle 7 CD 4 - A New Hope

I had hoped to update this on Sundays, but it seems like I'm already off schedule! Mondays might work out better anyway.

This week I started cycle 7! I am really hopeful when it comes to this cycle. I am taking the correct dose of DHA now (wasn't taking enough before) so hopefully that will help me feel better even if I doesn't help me conceive. My Clomid does has been upped to 150mg from 100mg, which means a greater chance of actually ovulating. I promised myself I would be really faithful about taking my Met as well.

This cycle would just be the best cycle to conceive I think. Firstly, our third anniversary is coming up and nothing would be a better present than a BFP. Secondly, we are going on a cruise in January. If I conceived this month I would be about mid-way through the second trimester when we went on the cruise, which means the morning sickness and whatnot would possibly be over but I wouldn't be whale size yet. If it's next cycle or later I'd either be at the tail-end of the first trimester or still in the middle of it. I would be due at the end of May, so I'd only have to deal with being pregnant while it's hot for a little while. If it's not this cycle then I'll have to suffer through a summer pregnancy. Bleh.

I normally start using OPKs when AF leaves, but this looks like a short visit compared to normal. I'm already only spotting and I don't even start taking the Clomid till tomorrow! I seriously doubt I'll O before  the Clomid is even in my system since I haven't ever O'd on my own that I know of so I might put it off a few days. Looks like my next update should be around CD12 so maybe I'll have a good looking OPK series to show off by then!