From Left to Write: Spinster by Kate Bolick

My life has been very different from Kate's, seeing as I married my husband at the age of 21 and continue to have a happy marriage. Yet I didn't always think my life would turn out this way. I didn't date in high school and have never gone searching for love. It's quite a coincidence that I met my husband at all, and he had to work hard to convince me to date him!

I've written before (for another FL2W book) that I'm closer to being asexual than not. I have now heard a term I think suits me perfectly: demisexual. Basically it takes a deep emotional connection for me to feel attraction to someone. If you haven't read my previous post I would recommend it, as I don't want to spend too much time on that topic in this post.

Anyway I never knew being married would be in the cards for me, especially not so young. I've always seen myself as a future mother but not so much a wife. Funny how that worked out, isn't it? Married for 5 and a half years but still not parenting. I didn't feel the need for a man in my life and had a hard time picturing that for myself. I could have easily ended up an old cat lady librarian and thought there were worse fates.

Would I have been as happy? I don't know. Throughout the past few years I've relied heavily on my husband for emotional and financial support. There have been many times where my marriage felt like the only positive aspect of my life. Maybe without him I wouldn't even be here; my depression almost got the better of me even with his help. If in this hypothetical my health didn't deteriorate as it has I think I could have been happy living as a spinster. Maybe not as happy, but you can't miss what you've never known.

This post was inspired by Spinster by Kate Bolick, who explores singledom with famous women who fashioned life on their own terms. Join From Left to Writeon May 5th as we discuss Spinster. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Life with Endo

A week ago one of my friends got pinned as a nurse (I hope that is the right terminology). Even though it was about two hours away, it was very important to me that we go and support her. This picture is the result of that trip. The right was taken before heading home and the left the next afternoon after I had started to recover.

Endo bloat or endo belly turns my invisible illness visible, only people who didn't know still wouldn't guess what my body is going through. It hurts to know that the only time I'll see myself with something akin to a baby bump is during a flare.

The keynote speaker at the ceremony was absolutely awful. He spoke of the healing powers of positive thinking. He also spoke of the healing powers of "looking your best" which to him means doing your hair, hails, and makeup, being thin, and possible getting some plastic surgery. Could positive thinking have prevented this? I think not. I did my hair and my nails and wore something nicer than what I normally wear but that didn't help either. In fact wearing dark wash jeans instead of my normal leggings made it worse since the waistband was not as accommodating.

All we did was drive two hours, then sit in a church for a while for the ceremony, then go to dinner and this was the result. I wish you could see how much pain I was in. We had to leave dinner early (before even ordering) because I was in so much pain despite my pain medication. It then took several days of near constant sleep for me to get back to my normal pain levels. Despite all of that I'm still glad we went.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Being a Thursday, I've got to rep my endosisters by wearing my yellow birthday outfit complete with yellow jeans. Thursdays are awareness day where you wear yellow and use the hashtags #onthursdayswewearyellow and/or #otwwy. Usually I can't participate because I stay in my PJs and don't have any yellow ones! :D

This year I am thankful for my mom, little sister, and husband who remain as supportive and helpful as possible. I really couldn't do it without them.

I'm thankful for the support I've found in a spoonie facebook group as well as the spoonie and body positive communities on instagram. It's nice to have people who "get" you.

I'm thankful for those who participate in the Daily Deal thread on the Sims 3 forums. Because of their help I now own a much, much larger portion of the store that I would with my nonexistent budget. They have taught me the tricks for minimizing costs and maximizing sim points. They are also incredibly nice and supportive for an internet forum. It feels like they really care about each other. They will even gift people store content who are having a bad day, or it's your birthday, or just randomly. In fact yesterday I was gifted a $24 world!

But most of all, I am thankful for those who have donated to my gofundme campaign. I can't express how thankful I am. Because of these donations I now have enough to get my blood work done, which I plan to do next week. I posted before about how hopeless I felt but now I have a little hope. As you can see, I am now over halfway to my goal! I can do the blood work now and the rest (if we get it) will be so I can go to a followup appointment and find out the results of said blood work. I don't have the words to say how thankful I am.

It's Not You

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My sister's baby was born yesterday. I still haven't gone to see her and I don't really want to. My mom and little sister are really pushing me to go today before they leave the hospital and go home. Even though they live about 60 miles away (which could be over 2 hours easy in the summer traffic) she gave birth here. I know it probably looks bad that I haven't gone to see them and aren't in OMG I'm an AUNT! mode on social networks, but I honestly don't care what people in general think. My mom and little sister have a little more sway since we live together but I still don't know if I will go or not. Our grandpa's birthday is in a little over a week and I figure I'll see them at his birthday dinner anyway.

I really don't have anything against my niece. I'm sure she's a sweet and wonderful person. It's her parents I have a problem with and until she becomes a teenager they are kind of a package deal. I can't have any sort of meaningful relationship with her without also inviting them into my life. Becoming emotionally attached to her is going to cause problems for me that I can't deal with right now. I am still feeling very fragile. Being chronically ill is hard on my mind, not just my body. I don't feel as depressed as I was but I'm in no way emotionally stable. It doesn't help that our baby's due date is coming up. Right now she is this abstract idea and I'm scared that if I go and spend time with her (not just seeing her at an event) I'm going to worry about her in a way I can't handle.

I've thought a lot about writing her letters. I don't want her to think her aunt hates her. I don't want her to think she's the problem. I know that is a distinct possibility even if it couldn't be farther from the truth. So I thought maybe I could write her a letter explaining why I've distanced myself. These are my thoughts and feelings on the day you were born. This is why I couldn't come to your birthday party. This is why I didn't want you and your mom moving in with us that weekend your dad kicked you out of the house again. And then when she's older I could give them to her and maybe she'll understand but maybe she won't. I don't know. Is that dumb?

From Left to Write: Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore

My sister was born when I was 11 years old. We didn't know it then but her brain had been damaged, she had dyslexia, she was autistic, and had a worse case of eczema than I ever did. As a baby it was almost a full time job to keep her from scratching off all her skin. Sometimes we failed and went to the ER over raw and bloody knees. They didn't know about her other problems yet, you see, so we were told when as she got older (and more self aware) things would get easier.

She was not a planned pregnancy. My parents fought constantly, in short because my dad's a sociopath. When they fought I would pick my sister up, hold her, and tell her she was loved. It wasn't her fault. She was safe.

Three years later our old sister ran away under the influence of her emotionally abusive boyfriend-now-husband. That just added additional stress to family life and I felt even more responsible for my little sister. By now we were starting to notice developmental problems, although I can't remember if she was in speech and occupational therapy yet. I was beginning to feel motherly instincts, in fact taking care of my sister is what made me want to be a mother someday. I would take her for walks in her stroller sometimes and once someone asked if I was her mother. I was a bit appalled seeing as I was 14 and not even interested in boys, but that moment has stuck with me all these years.

Jump another three years and my parents are finally getting divorced. My sister has started school and things are not going so well. My mother had been a SAHM pretty much my whole life, but would be returning to work now that my dad was gone. Over the next year or two we'd try different things as far as child care went. Sometimes I would watch her after school or on weekends if my mom had to work, sometimes she would go to the Boys and Girls Club, sometimes she would go to other after school programs.

Eventually it became my job to watch her, and I mean that literally. I became certified through DCF as a home daycare able to watch up to three children, and because we were poor my mom got a voucher to pay for part of my sister's daycare costs. Basically the state paid me to watch my sister. I'm sure that sounds silly or even fraudulent to some people, but remember my sister has special needs. Me watching her is what we deemed best for her and for us. I couldn't work and watch her so it all worked out. This only lasted a couple years, though I've been my mom's primary back-up ever since.

Soon we realized traditional public school was not working for my sister. She couldn't read. She had an IEP and was continuing therapy but there wasn't much else the school could do. She was held back in first grade but we were told they couldn't keep her there forever. She was going to be passed through the grades until she "graduated" whether she could read or not. So my mom made the decision to home school her.

Thankfully it's worked out quite well. She's not homeschooled in a traditional sense with workbooks and such. I think the term most often used in unschooled. For my sister to learn something she has to care about it. You can go over the revolutionary war a million times, but until she cares about it she won't remember. So sometimes they go on trips to places were things happened. They find a book series she loves and she has slowly learned to read thanks to Percy Jackson. She's still not on grade level but she can get by. She learns math through video games. If she wants to buy this mount and she has this much gold, how much more does she need? If she can earn this much gold through this activity everyday, how many days will it take to earn enough for the mount? It's not calculus but it's enough to get by.

I'm really proud of how far she's come despite her limitations. I'm glad I could be a part of it. She's much more independent now, but we're still closer than I think we would be if I hadn't been such a big part of her life growing up. I don't resent her for needing me, for taking away some of my youth. I'm thankful we got to spend that time together. Don't get me wrong, like all little siblings sometimes she's annoying and needy and wants me to do things for her that I know she can do herself. I didn't always want to be responsible for her, sometimes I just wanted some time away. But I love her and I will always cherish being her big sister.

This post was inspired by Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore, a novel that exposes the gothic underbelly of an American dynasty, and an outsider’s hunger to belong. Join From Left to Write on May 20 we discuss Bittersweet. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Where did I go?

So apparently it's been like a month since my last real post. Oops. I'm also like a weekish behind on my post about Ruby for From Left to Write. I do still plan on writing that, btw. I've not been having a great time lately. I can't even remember what's been going on the whole time since I posted last, but it probably wasn't good.

I did finally get over my flu like illness at some point. That was a pain in the neck. So yay for eating stuff other than cereal. I've been having more problems with my endo. I got AF and then I've been spotting on and off since. The pain comes and goes as well. Apparently endo has spread closer to my back because I'm having a lot of back pain now. My doctor doesn't think it's from anything else. It sucks though because heat isn't nearly as effective on my back as it is normally. We've increased my aygestin dose again and another lupron shot might be in my future. Josh thinks I should have another lap but we can't exactly afford it.

We had a spell of very nasty weather. Over the last year I've been feeling the weather a lot more than I used to, more than 26 year olds should really. One of our dogs has a storm phobia which also sucks. Parts of our city flooded but our property is fine. Not too far from here whole streets were washed away and stuff so even though the storms weren't fun we're glad we didn't have to deal with that.

My mom graduated with two bachelor degrees on the 27th. Josh kinda graduated too, but he decided not to walk. (He only has internships this summer.) So there were a bunch of events for that. My mom won two awards and he won one! It was quite hard on my body and I think I'm just now recovering. I haven't hardly done anything in my free time since the events started other than lay in bed and watch TV.

Our house had some serious plumbing problems. We had to have a plumber come out with an excavator and replace all the piping from our house to the street and also had to have some pipe in the shower replaced. Something is wrong with the dishwasher too but we aren't gonna deal with that right now because it's not as necessary. As you can imagine it's been stressful and expensive.

Then of course there was Mother's Day. This was my second Mother's Day since the loss and I expected it to be easier than the first one but it wasn't. Maybe it just takes more time, or maybe it will always be this hard. Hopefully we will eventually have other living children and the day will be more bittersweet than just bitter. My mother made things easier for me and decided her graduation dinner would double as Mother's Day lunch. That way I wouldn't have to go out that day or see my hugely pregnant sister. Her baby shower is this weekend I think but I'm not going.

I think that's everything, or all the major stuff at least. Hopefully I'll have something more positive to post about the next time.

From Left to Write: Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan

I'm white. Like, really white. We once went to Pensacola (which is about 2 hours away) and the side of my body next to the window got sunburned. When I bleached my hair every single one of my family members exclaimed "Wow, you look like an albino!" the first time they saw me. I thought it was coordinated but it wasn't. I have to put on sunscreen before walking the dogs. If we are going to some outdoor function I can put on sunscreen 5 times throughout and I'll still get sunburned. No one is surprised to find out I'm part Irish.

My husband is not white. We aren't sure what happened there because all of his family is, but somehow he turned out brown. Could be some recessive gene thing or maybe his mom cheated, but we don't know and probably never will. Obviously we don't know what he "is" so he gets to check the other box!

Since we in an interracial marriage this has had some consequences. One of my friend's husbands told him that in the LDS religion they believe his skin is brown because his ancestors were cursed. For real, not making that up. He's noticed he gets strange looks sometimes when we are out together. My grandparents weren't especially pleased about it. One of the reasons it's easy for me to be for marriage equality is because not long ago my own marriage wouldn't have been legal.

I love seeing us together though, especially our hands intertwined. It's like yin and yang. I used to daydream about how our kids would look, a beautiful combination of dark and light. Being genetically related to our children isn't super important to me, but I wanted that. There is a chance that we could adopt a biracial child or embryo but it's not a guarantee. We would probably have to wait longer for one to become available, especially since we don't even know what ancestry to ask for when it comes to Josh. Mexican? Polynesian? Middle Eastern? This is just one more thing infertility has taken from us.

This post was inspired by the novel Dad Is Fat by comedian Jim Gaffigan who riffs on his adventures co-parenting 5 kids in a two bedroom Manhattan apartment. Join From Left to Write on April 22 we discuss Dad Is Fat. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes

The Joke's on You

Yesterday was April Fools Day. I'm sure most if not all of you have seen images like this one posted on blogs and social media, you may have even shared it yourself. I saw one person even say she would unfriend anyone that joked about this.

I never shared it though (until now I guess) and I've been thinking about why not. These jokes just don't bother me despite my years of infertility and one loss. It's not my favorite prank but that's mostly because it's pretty overdone. I've come up with a couple reasons why this is not hurtful for me.

I know the announcement is not true and that take's it's power away. April 1'st is the only day I can go on social media safe in the knowledge that I won't see a real announcement. This week I've seen a birth announcement from someone I unfriended but Facebook still had me following and a pregnancy announcement from an old friend who hardly ever posts anything. Every time I go online there is this fear I will see another one, but not on April 1'st.

I would rather see fake announcements from most people that real ones. We recently found out my cousin's girl friend is pregnant when she posted an ultrasound picture on Facebook. It's a boy and they are giving him Danger as a middle name. I wish that was just an April Fools joke!

If you are announcing on April Fools then you aren't actually pregnant. I don't have to worry about seeing a real one from you for at least a couple weeks if you announce early or a few month if you don't. You are safe now. I've come to the conclusion than April 1st is my favorite day to see pregnancy announcements.

Nanny 911

A friend of mine was watching Nanny 911 and saw my sister and her husband ten years in the future! I've talked a bit about her situation before and it's sad to see it played out on TV. It's season 3 episode 10 The Mills Family if anyone wants to watch (it's on Netflix). What's even sadder is it only shows one aspect of their dysfunctional relationship. It doesn't show how he isolates her or the cycle of him breaking up only to take her back out of the goodness of his heart so she owes him and is even more under his control. It's sick. As we watched it my mom and I were glad my sister is having a girl so she doesn't have another little mini BIL to gang up on her like the wife in the episode.

I Wear Yellow For Me

I bleached my hair! You might remember in the fall I got my hair cut and the stylists said they wouldn't even try to get the red out of my hair. Well I decided to try it myself, and they were right lol. I bleached it twice and the bottom where it was the reddest and has been red the longest is still a strawberry blonde (a little lighter than the picture shows). I decided to go ahead and do it now for a few reasons. First it's endometriosis awareness month so no better time to have blonde hair, right? Second I'm on some super strong pain meds so now is when my neck arthritis would hurt the least. It still bothered my neck and shoulder obviously, but not nearly as much as when I tried to color is myself 6ish weeks after getting it cut. I got some purple I'm going to do one last time in a few weeks and once that fades I'll be going back to brown.

I have that dress in the picture which is kind of yellowy tan, some yellow skinny jeans, and a black and yellow floral shirt I've been wearing plus yellow nail polish. I did have someone ask about all the yellow recently but it was my little sister lol. She already knows I have endo so not much awareness raised there. It's hard to raise awareness though when you never leave the house! I also made myself this bracelet which has yellow for endo, teal for PCOS, and pink & blue for infertility/miscarriage. I am trying to wear it everyday this month. So far I've only taken it off to shower so I won't have as many opportunities to forget to put it back on!

I saw my therapist on Monday and we talked a bit about how my plans never seem to work out. I've been feeling like there is no point trying to plan anything if it's just going to not happen anyway. I've been feeling especially bad about always cancelling when we have plans to go see my friend who lives two hours away. My mom was asking me when I'd like to reschedule our visit for and I told her what's the point I'll just have to cancel again. I wish we could just spontaneously go one day when I'm feeling pretty good but it's just not possible. If I'm feeling okay either her, her husband, my husband, or my mom are busy. Talking about it helped though because she pointed out I'm probably hardest on myself. My friend probably isn't as frustrated and angry with me over it as I picture in my mind. She understands. But it's still hard.

My next lupron shot is supposed to be anytime now but they haven't called me about it yet. They said they'll call me whenever it comes in instead of me making an appointment. Tomorrow is my birthday and I was hoping it wouldn't be until after that. I don't know if the side effects will increase again and that would be a terrible way to spend my birthday. So that prayer seems to have been answered at least!

Man Plans and God Laughs

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The picture isn't really related, but I thought it was funny and couldn't find one that was related that I liked as much. Last week I talked about my plans for the next couple of weeks, then promptly got sick and didn't do anything. Josh went to the doctor and they said he had a sinus infection. I didn't go to the doctor because I don't need excuses for work/school like he does, but I figure I had something similar and suspect I've developed bronchitis (which I have a history of). I planned to talk to the doctor at my blood work appointment yesterday but she wasn't in yet, just the nurses. There have been a few times I really could have used an inhaler but I've been managing okay with over the counter stuff and lots of cough drops. If I haven't noticed a pretty big improvement by my appointment next week it's definitely something I'll bring up, but other than getting an inhaler there's not much a doctor can do anyway.

So we didn't do anything for Josh's birthday, we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, and we couldn't go visit my friend for her birthday. I figured out yesterday I've known her for 18 years! That is so crazy. There are people in the military who were born after we met. That's 69% of my life. I don't feel old enough to have known someone that long. I'm blessed to still have her in my life even if we can't spend as much time together as I'd like.

Early early yesterday morning (like 3am) I started having a LOT of pain. It felt like it does during the heaviest part of my period. I didn't even know if I was going to make it to my blood work appointment. TMI for a second: I haven't had anything more than spotting, but a lot of CM so I feel like my body is trying to have AF but there just isn't any lining to shed. That's good because there's not supposed to be. Yesterday was CD42 and when I started bleeding last time it was 35 days after my lupron shot so it's been about the same amount of time. It's really weird because I've never been this "regular" in my life without the help of provera. Anyway the good news is because I was in so much pelvic pain I could hardly feel it when they stuck me three times and dug around for a good while each time before getting all the blood they needed.

If you follow my Facebook Page or my Instagram (which you should) you've seen already that I've started doing something I'm calling puppywearing. It's like babywearing, but with puppies. Our dogs, Dobby especially, love to be held when I'm at the computer. Dobby likes it when you cradle him like a baby. If most poodles are like him I can understand how they got a reputation for being spoiled! I don't actually own a wrap or sling or carrier and can't really justify the purchase, but as long as I'm sitting down zipping him up in my hoodie and tucking the bottom under him seems to work pretty well. The other day he fell asleep that way and it was so cute! If this makes me one of those crazy people who try to turn their pets into children because their desire to mother is so strong then I'm okay with that.

The Spoonie Olympics

I'm sure everyone knows that the Olympics are taking place right now. I feel like I'm competing in the Olympics myself, only instead of a gold medal doing well means surviving until the finish line.

For those not aware, people who have chronic (often invisible) conditions are called spoonies in reference to the Spoon Theory. The basic idea is that everyone has a certain number of spoons. Every action you take uses up a spoon, until you have none left and are stuck in bed unable to do anything. Healthy people usually have enough spoons to not worry about it, but sick people have a severe lack of spoons and have to use each one wisley.

February is always a busy month around here. I wrote in my last post about attempting to start being more active by using my peddle exerciser and learning I wasn't up to that yet. This was the beginning of a chain reaction and an even bigger mistake than I thought because I had no time to recover. That was on a Tuesday. Thursday I had a therapy appointment that took a lot out of me. I had to come home and take a four hour nap and didn't get out of bed much the rest of the day or Friday.

Saturday was Little Sister's birthday and birthday party. Thankfully her birthday fell on a Saturday so we didn't need to celebrate twice. I have mentioned being anxious about this but overall it went better than expected. I'm not sure everyone realizes, but those with chronic conditions learn how to fake it. There were moments when the facade came down and I grimaced and such, there were times when I took a moment to myself, but I don't like calling attention to my illness and I think I was successful. My friend J's son was there and he wanted to go play Candy Land in a back room right at the time I needed to get away which was perfect. My friend R and I worked out a hand signal in case I needed to leave but we ended up not needing it. I had to bring out the big guns pain med wise but I have been saving the few I have left for situations such as these. There were enough people there that I spent very little time around my older sister or her DuH so that worked out great. Afterwards I slept for over 14 hours and am still recovering.

Today is my husband's birthday. We are going out to dinner tomorrow as he has a late meeting today, but not to anywhere fancy. Friday is of course Valentine's Day. I don't think we are planning to go out anywhere but I got us subscriptions to Star Wars: The Old Republic and I know he will want to play together as much as I am able. We have played a bit together already and I can tell my reaction times are suffering. As a healer that can be a bit problematic and stressful, but he understands and isn't angry when he dies. I think I'm harder on myself in that regard.

A week from today is my friend J's birthday. They live about two hours away so we plan to meet halfway on Sunday and go to dinner at McGuire's which is one of our favorite places. Traveling is hard for me so I expect I'll need a lot of time to recover from that. R's birthday is the 26th and normally I'd like to get together and do something but I know she won't expect me to if I can't. My BIL's birthday is around there too but I refuse to celebrate it anyway.

I also have three doctor appointments, one on the 18th, one of the 25th, and one on the 3rd. I need to call and reschedule one I had to miss so that could be four doctor appointments depending on when they can get me in. My second Lupron shot should be around the beginning of March as well but I don't have an appointment, they are just going to call when it comes in. My birthday is the 6th and I have no idea what we are going to do for it. Possibly nothing more than cake at home if I'm not well enough to do anything else.

Thankfully that's it for a while. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so after all I've been through I should be strong enough to get through everything. My goal is to not be completely bedridden again by the end of it, but I think it's definitely a possibility. We will see if I have enough spoons for this. Funnily enough, our dog Dobby found a plastic spoon and was attempting to eat it while I was writing. No spoons for you, I need all the ones I can get!

Two Month Anniversary

Yesterday marked two months since my lupron shot! Hopefully this means the worst is behind us now. I get my second shot next month, I think right around my birthday (the 6th), and I'm hoping it won't be a repeat of my first month this time around. It's already in my system and the baby maker has been shut down so I shouldn't have to go through that awful transition phase, right? Lord I hope so.

As I mentioned in my punday post things are ever so slowly starting to improve. I finally stopped bleeding at the end of January which was a huge relief. Since then I've noticed a slight improvement in pain. I'm having less moments where no matter what I feel like I'm going to die (or hope that I would already). I've spaced out my prescription pain meds a bit but still need 800mg ibuprofen on top of that. I'm halfway through a book which is awesome because before I felt so terrible all the time I couldn't concentrate on reading. I've sat out the last few From Left to Write books but finger's crossed I can sign up for the one in April.

Little Sister's 15th birthday party is on Saturday and I am a bit worried about that. Anytime I come out of sloth mode I pay for it later. Yesterday I decided to use my pedal exerciser for two sets of 15 minutes at a very relaxed pace and can tell it's definitely taken a toll today. I'm quite introverted so being around people can be exhausting all by itself, never mind doing stuff. I've finally gained some ground and I'm afraid of backsliding. Also as I mentioned before Older Sister will be there and I'm not looking forward to that. Josh's birthday is three days later but I think we're just going to go to dinner so it shouldn't be too bad.

My newly pregnant friend that I wrote about before is still doing well. They officially have a heartbeat! I'm still excited for them and not feeling jealous. This is the best I've taken a pregnancy in years, actually. I hope they are able to come to the party but I also hope I don't accidently let the cat out of the bag since they haven't announced yet!

If you've visited the blog recently you may have noticed something is wrong with my blog design. There is some kind of bug with the template and it won't let me fix it. I'll basically have to start over and put a new generic template on the blog and then edit it to a new design. I'm not sure when I'll feel up to doing it but this is just a heads up in case you visit and it looks funky lol. I think I'm going to change it from blue and pink for babies to orange since that goes with my blog name.

Winter Wonderland

I think I've mentioned before that I live in Florida. It hasn't snowed since 1989 and sadly I was too young then to remember it. Apparently we went sledding on cookie sheets. Well it still hasn't snowed *insert sad face here* but we did get about 1/2 and inch of sleet and freezing rain! That hasn't happened since I was old enough to remember either. Everyone here got a lot more excited about than most people probably think is reasonable lol. We had two snow days! It happened overnight so I don't have any pictures of it actually sleeting (although I did stay up all night just to make sure it didn't turn into snow) but we do have some from the next morning. 

This is our bridge which as you can see they shut down completely. I think it was actually closed about 24 hours. We don't have any salt or anything so they tried dumping sand on it from the beach.

Little Sister in front of the palm tree in our yard with ice on the ground. It was about 30 degrees when it's normally about 60 so she just wanted to go inside, but we made her take a picture because she'll probably want one later. I wish I had pictures of us as kids when it snowed but no one knows where they are!

Here's a pretty good picture of the ice. It was so slippery! Obviously if you think about it ice is going to be slippery but I didn't expect it to be that slippery. It was such a weird experience.

And lastly here is Scotty in the backyard having a great time. Dobby wouldn't stay still long enough for me to get a good picture of him. They loved running around and chasing each other through the ice. About 10 minutes after being out there Scotty started sneezing though so I made them come inside.

Good news for once!

I recently found out one of my very good friends is pregnant. Normally this would be bittersweet at best and soul crushing at worse, but not this time. I'm beyond happy for her (and her DH), and that's it. When she told me I didn't have any of those normal "I wish it was me" feelings. It put a smile on my face for the first time in well, a while. But I was also scared, and still am a little. Unfortunately their journey has included a few losses and I would be heartbroken if that happened again. If I would be heartbroken, if I already feel like I love this baby, how much worse it would be for them is unfathomable. But so far everything is good. HCG is rising appropriately and they should get their first ultrasound in a few days.

While I am still extremely happy for them, I am beginning to feel a bit off. Like it's wrong for me to be so excited for them when I feel so negative about my sister's pregnancy. My little sister's birthday is coming up and I know she will be there and I'm dreading it. The last time I saw her she wasn't even showing yet and it was a bad experience all around. I'm actually kind of grateful my endo hasn't improved yet so I can use that to get away for a bit if I need to.

On the other hand, I feel a renewed desire to get pregnant myself. That desire is such a double edged sword, as with it comes hope that is so easily crushed. I found myself looking up information on the embryo adoption program we planned to go through last year for the first time in months. Checking to see if the prices were still the same, if there was a longer wait time, stuff like that. I questioned whether I should call them and see if there was anything we can do now. I come off lupron in May, maybe if we started now we could transfer soon after! But then I had a reality check and realized I was definitely jumping the gun. I don't even know if this will work, and I can't try again until my endo gets better. I just want my baby to grow up with my friend's baby. I wanted the same thing with my other best friend when she got pregnant and now their son is three and a half. I'm scared the same thing will happen and I'll be left behind again.

Realistically I'm still feeling all around terrible and in quite a bit of pain and haven't even been calling the people I'm supposed to call. Like the doctor to push up my appointment after being in the hospital, or more lawyers to see if someone will represent me in court. So I doubt I'm up to organizing an embryo adoption either. And I'm not sure I want to try and do that while dealing with a disability hearing anyway. So right now the plan is to wait until I can come off my pain meds and reevaluate then. Maybe I can be pregnant or at least on my way there by the time her baby shower rolls around.

From Left to Write: Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin

Sometimes objects and belongings become more than what they seem. Your grandmother's bracelet, a souvenir from your favorite vacation spot, the outfit your baby wore home from the hospital, we don't keep these things because of their inherent value. We keep them because they are physical memories. We can't siphon our memories from our minds into a pensieve unfortunately, being muggles and all, but we can infuse objects with them to be triggered later.

My husband and I met on the internet. At the time we lived about 7 1/2 hours away from each other. I remember the first time he came up to visit me. Seeing him with my own eyes wasn't what I expected. There were no fireworks or angels singing, it just felt right. Like home. I didn't run and jump into his arms and then spend the weekend in a crazy whirlwind of romance. We went to Walmart because he forgot something important like his deodorant or toothbrush.

While we were checking out I noticed some chocolate Skittles, which were new at the time. Skittles happen to be one of my favorite candies so he offered to buy them for me. I wasn't hungry so I put them in my purse for later. The thing is, I never did eat them. I just forgot about them while he was here and couldn't bear to eat them once he had left. They were the first thing he had ever bought me.

I still have them. They expired in January 2008. They sit on a shelf next to my I Love Lucy memorabilia and paperclip collection. Technically they are worthless now and should really be thrown out considering how old they are but they are irreplaceable to me. I see them and smile about how far we've come and remind myself not to take my husband for granted. Once there was an expiration date on our time together, but there's not anymore and for that I am thankful.

This post was inspired by Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin where she runs a nine month experiment to create happier surroundings. Join From Left to Write on January 6 we discuss Happier at Home. You can also chat live with Gretchen Rubin on January 7 on Facebook! As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

From Left to Write: The Funeral Dress by Susan Gregg Gilmore

Could I steal a baby? That's what I was asking myself throughout this book, especially near the end. Could I decide to keep a baby left temporarily in my care, and hide it from the mother? If she got the baby back, could I involve CPS to get the baby officially taken from the mother? I don't think I could.

Once my mother saw a baby carrier sitting by itself and was tempted to bring it home to us. Thankfully the carrier had been left but there was no baby inside. Even if there was a baby and she did bring it to us I think I'd have to report it abandoned and hope they let us keep it. I mean you can't just start treating a baby as your own when you have no birth certificate, no social security number, no name. Eventually you'll have to tell people these things and it'll be obvious the baby isn't really yours.

Remember a while back I talked briefly about a family member in an abusive relationship? Well I just found out she's pregnant. Wouldn't be surprised if she did it on purpose to try and fix her marriage and her relationship with us. I fear for that baby, I really do. When everything was going down we thought what a blessing there are no kids involved! It's just not the kind of situation you should bring a child into. I won't lie, I wish I could take the baby from her. We may not be perfect but neither of us are abusive and it would be a much more stable home life. Right or wrong I feel like I deserve a child more than she does. I know the baby stealers in The Funeral Dress felt similarly. But could I actually take the baby and work it prove to the state we should have it instead? I don't think so. All I can do is hope she comes to her senses and leaves his sorry butt for good.

There are two couples who struggled with infertility in the book and I'd like to think I'm more similar to the other one. Instead of trying to take the baby as their own they opened their home to both mother and child, taking on a more grandparent type roll. We've opened our home to the pregnant family member before, but right now we won't be doing it again. Not if he kicks her out, at least. Not at first. If she were to stand her ground and leave him I think we would. We would be so happy she finally "got it" and would dote on that baby like you couldn't believe! Her baby can never take away the pain of not having our own, and while sometimes it might be triggering I think it would be worth it. If he kicks her out again and it becomes apparent he is not willing to father a child and will not be taking her back, I think we would offer her a place to stay if she hadn't found someplace better already. There are other people she could stay with in the meantime so they wouldn't be homeless.

If in 20 years from now we are still childless, or even if we aren't, and a young family member or friend needed our help (and they weren't in an on and off relationship) I'd like to think we'd take them in without hesitation. I can't really say what we'd do for sure since we've never been in that situation, but I know we wouldn't force her to give her baby to us. Adoption is certainly something on our minds but the birth mom would have to be okay with it.

No one has ever entrusted impoverished Emmalee with anything important but she takes it upon herself to sew her mentor’s resting garment in The Funeral Dress by Susan Gregg Gilmore. Join From Left to Write on October 15 as we discuss The Funeral Dress. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

This Week Sucks

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This has just been a sucky week so far. I'm ready for some good news and happiness! On Sunday I found out an IF friend lost their baby just a week or two after graduating due to anencephaly. For those lucky enough to not know what that is, basically part of the skull and/or brain do not form because of a neural tube defect. So yeah, that sucks.

Another friend who I mentioned two weeks ago has been in limbo since then. It's not my place to really talk about it all, but it's kinda been a rollercoaster of good news and bad news. Today she found out for sure it's not viable. My heart truly breaks for them, in fact I'm on the verge of tears. She is one of the people I care about most and I hate that she not only has to go through this, but there's nothing I can do to make it better.

Then I got a few pregnancy announcements from people who either weren't trying or weren't infertile. I've gotten a bit better about taking announcements well but these just came at a bad time. It's hard to see people get pregnant so easily when my IF friends are suffering so deeply. I cleaned out my Facebook friends list, going from over 200 friends to 98, and hid some of those I didn't feel like I could delete. I need to do my instagram as well since so many are announcing on there now. I think now there is a smaller chance of seeing announcements from people who I wouldn't be genuinely happy for.

Yesterday night AF showed up out of the blue. Since I've been on the Aygestin she's only shown up when I missed a dose, but I know for sure I didn't this time. After I missed a dose and got AF in June I set an alarm on my phone like I used to do for birth control to remind me to take it. There are also a few other medications I'm taking at the same time so I know I didn't just turn the alarm off and then forget. I finally get used to what my body's doing and then it switches it up on me. Thankfully the Aygestin is at least doing some of what it's supposed to and keeping my lining thin because it's much, much lighter than my usual, however it's still very painful.

Along with that we've also been dealing with some drama over the last two weeks that came to a head last night. I'm glad I'm "out" about my blog most of the time, but the downside to not being anonymous is not being able to talk freely about stuff like this. Someone I really care about is being mistreated and over the last few weeks things have escalated until Friday this person was removed from the situation and they came to stay with us. We have tried to be supportive and help this person as much as we can, but there is only so much we can do. Yesterday they ran back to the abuser despite everything we've done to keep them safe. This is a pattern that has been ongoing since I was a teenager and we just feel so used and angry at the both of them. As much as we want to see this person out of the situation for good, we have to remove ourselves from their cycle of abuse for our own good. You can't help someone until they're ready to help themselves.

Our anniversary is coming up next Thursday the 19th which also happens to be Talk Like A Pirate Day. We don't have any plans yet but I'm looking forward to having something to celebrate rather than mourn.

Don't Forget Your Medication

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Over the weekend I missed a dose of my aygestin. I didn't realize until I went to go take it the next day. The day after my missed dose I noticed my pain was worse, but my mom, sisters, and I had gone to the aquatic center on Friday and it's always a little worse when I do something like that. Well the next day it was way worse and I also started spotting. Apparently my missed dose triggered AF and all the pain that goes with it. The good thing is because the medication is working I don't have the same super heavy flow I normally have. It sucks though going from only needing on average one pain pill a day plus the highest amount of OTC meds you're allowed, to needing to take the max of the pain pills and the OTC stuff. We are hoping in a few days the pain will calm down and I'll be back to my normal reduced pain level.

This was really scary in terms of our future embryo adoption. I was hoping when I was pain free I could come off the medication whenever I needed to prepare my body for transfer. Now I know I'll probably at least have to deal with a sort of AF when I come off at best. In the back of my mind is this fear of all the pain returning when I go off and it not just going away after a few days, so we have to cancel the cycle. I'm not sure I could take that. But for now I have to trust in my doctor that that won't happen.

Here's a gif of Felicia going down the kiddie slide that G+ stitched together using it's Auto Awesome Motion feature. I thought it was pretty nifty. We only had four pictures of me going down the slide and it needs at least five.

June Challenge - Family Story

Dad and Mom

To put it simply I've never had a good relationship with my dad. The picture above is the only one I could find of my mom and dad together. I'm not sure how and where they met, but I know it was when my mom was 17. On her 18th birthday my grandparents basically packed her bags and told her she was an adult now so she needed to go live with her boyfriend. They were married less than a year later, and my older sister Felicia was born two months before her 20th birthday. I was born about two years later.

Felicia and Me

A few years after that my cousin Tristan was born. I don't remember how old my aunt was then but she was pretty young, I think still in highschool. My mom watched him a lot and quite a few people thought he was our brother. In fact only a few years ago I ran into someone we used to go to church with and they asked how my brother was. I've always been closer to him than any of my other cousins.

Grandpa, Tristan, Me, and Felicia

In third grade I got expelled (long story) and switched schools, where I met my two best friends Jessica and Sheila. I'm not close to Sheila anymore but I still consider Jessica to be like family. She is my sister in spirit if not genetics.

Me, Jessica, and Sheila around grade seven

When I was in fifth grade my little sister Sierra was born. I was not very happy when my parents told us my mom was pregnant. I may or may not have had a tantrum in the middle of Arby's. I was scared of not being "the baby" anymore. After she was born though everything changed. She is what made me realize I wanted to be a mom. Our mother was very ill for a long time after she was born and I took an active role in raising her. I remember when she was a baby trying to comfort her when my parents would fight. My mother still lets me participate in important conversations with her like about bullying and stuff.

Me and Sierra at the park

Rescuing Sierra after she stuck her head in a chair

Sierra and I playing after our friend's wedding

Mother's Day picture a few years back. I swear Felicia told me to drop Sierra and not "pretend to drop" her.

Felicia and me last year

Grandma, Grandpa, Felicia, Richard, Mom, Me, and Sierra and Felicia's wedding

Tristan, his (sometimes) girlfriend, Felicia, and Richard

Tristan trying to act suave 

Felicia, Sierra, and Jessica (and me in the background) at Jessica's wedding

Josh, Me, Mom, and Sierra

Okay I guess that's enough pictures now haha. As far as what Josh and I want for our family in the future, we'll take what we can get. Originally I wanted an even number of kids, two or four. Josh vetoed four pretty quickly and is more in line with the "they can't outnumber us" kind of thinking. I'd still rather have two than one, but one is better than none. Right now I'd say twins would be great so we won't have to go through this hassle again, but I might regret saying that when I end up with two newborns. If this embryo adoption thing falls through I know we will continue working towards adding to our family one way or another.

This post is part of Waiting For Baby's June Blog Challenge. You should go sign up so I can learn more about you!