Wednesday, June 4, 2014

It's Not You

My sister's baby was born yesterday. I still haven't gone to see her and I don't really want to. My mom and little sister are really pushing me to go today before they leave the hospital and go home. Even though they live about 60 miles away (which could be over 2 hours easy in the summer traffic) she gave birth here. I know it probably looks bad that I haven't gone to see them and aren't in OMG I'm an AUNT! mode on social networks, but I honestly don't care what people in general think. My mom and little sister have a little more sway since we live together but I still don't know if I will go or not. Our grandpa's birthday is in a little over a week and I figure I'll see them at his birthday dinner anyway.

I really don't have anything against my niece. I'm sure she's a sweet and wonderful person. It's her parents I have a problem with and until she becomes a teenager they are kind of a package deal. I can't have any sort of meaningful relationship with her without also inviting them into my life. Becoming emotionally attached to her is going to cause problems for me that I can't deal with right now. I am still feeling very fragile. Being chronically ill is hard on my mind, not just my body. I don't feel as depressed as I was but I'm in no way emotionally stable. It doesn't help that our baby's due date is coming up. Right now she is this abstract idea and I'm scared that if I go and spend time with her (not just seeing her at an event) I'm going to worry about her in a way I can't handle.

I've thought a lot about writing her letters. I don't want her to think her aunt hates her. I don't want her to think she's the problem. I know that is a distinct possibility even if it couldn't be farther from the truth. So I thought maybe I could write her a letter explaining why I've distanced myself. These are my thoughts and feelings on the day you were born. This is why I couldn't come to your birthday party. This is why I didn't want you and your mom moving in with us that weekend your dad kicked you out of the house again. And then when she's older I could give them to her and maybe she'll understand but maybe she won't. I don't know. Is that dumb?

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