Second Angelversary and Wave of Light

Today is Jesse's second Angelversary. For a while now I've been seeing pregnancy tests in my timehop since I took the pictures with my phone. Boy is that hard, but I don't have the strength to delete them. This morning I watched my niece for a few hours and she was pretty fussy. On one hand it was distracting but on the other it just hurt. Still I think this year has been easier than the last. My husband got me some root beer and Little Debbie brownies and that has definitely helped! After my mom took my niece I took a nap and just woke up a little while ago. I plan to take it easy the rest of the night and cuddle my puppies close. I may not have cried as much as last year, but grief is still exhausting.

The 15th of course was the Wave of Light. We went to the ceremony put on by the same group as last year, only this time it was in a church instead of a park. It was nice because we could sit down, which is helpful when you are so emotional.

 I got this shirt from I Am A Mother To An Angel, they have a website but I saw it advertised on their Facebook page. It's a little big because when I ordered it they didn't have women's sizes yet just men's/unisex. The words on the pink side of the heart are from a poem called This Hole by Lacey Harris-Willoby. I love it and I plan to wear it often even when it's not October anymore. You can still buy it but only for the next six days. I also had on my awareness ribbon paracord bracelet with colors for endo and PCOS.

I was glad this year we had a name for them to call out when it was our turn to light our candle. Last year it was just "Baby Lastname". I know it probably seems weird to name your baby over a year after they died but I'm happy we did. I just wish we had decided to do it sooner!

The image I posted on the 11th about the Wave of Light I also posted in a Sims 3 forum I frequent. (The picture was taken in the Sims 3 with my simself and simhusband if you couldn't tell.) I was a bit worried about bringing in such a heavy topic but everyone was really supportive! Other angelmoms spoke about their own losses, or the losses of friends and family. Most had never heard of the event but pledged to light their own candles. I am happy I could help raise awareness for something so important to me. I kept an eye on the instagram hashtag #waveoflight and there were so many more pictures this year than last. Almost 11,000 all together! I can't wait to see how many more there will be next year.

This is off-topic but I didn't want to make a separate post just for this. I found out the blood work my doctor ordered will be almost $500. That means with the injections and sleep study that visit will have cost us $1300, $1100 more than expected. This doesn't even include my follow up visit tentatively scheduled for the first of December or any subsequent tests and medications once he gets the results of these. We simply cannot afford it so at this time I won't be getting any blood work and will probably cancel my follow up appointment. I was hoping for answers and treatment but have resigned myself to constant pain and lack of sleep. My mother set up a gofundme campaign for me but so far it hasn't raised any money. I will post about it if a miracle happens and we somehow get the money.

Angelversary Recap

I wasn't sure what to expect for my baby's first angelversary (which was Monday). There were times when I felt so bad it was almost like the day it happened. But I also felt extremely supported in both my private and blogging life, which is something that I didn't have until a few days later last year. I had a few friends message me privately letting me know they were thinking of me and that they were there if I needed anything, which was greatly appreciated. The day before we went grocery shopping and I got a big bag of Riesens which is my favorite chocolate candy as well as some ice cream and root beer for floats. I'm actually surprised there is still so much left!

The new Sims 3 expansion came out yesterday and the patch for it came out a few days before that, so it's not a good idea to play my families until the mods get updated. I was actually grateful for this as I'm normally okay playing families with babies but I don't think I could deal with it right now. I spent a lot of the day reading the fourth Percy Jackson book (The Battle of the Labyrinth) which thankfully is about middle school kids so they don't have any babies lol. And of course I got lots of puppy cuddles from my furbaby. That night we watched The Walking Dead and there was this scene with Michonne holding a baby and starting to cry. For those not familiar, she's a total BAMF. Not the crying sort at all! She wields a katana and at one time kept two zombies as pets. I don't know if I was reading too much into it but it really seemed like she lost a baby of her own.

In a way I feel like I'm lucky because most of the really emotional days happen so close together. Remembrance day the 15th, then the angelversary on the 21st, then our TTC anniversary on the 28th I think. It makes for a really rough half of the month but it also gets it all over with quickly. I think it would hurt more if everything was spread out. This way I can feel what I need to feel and hopefully come out of it feeling like it was cathartic in November.