Taking my head out of the sand

For the past few weeks I've in kind of a mental lock down mode. I haven't posted here since last Monday, even though I should have four additional posts by now (well, this one is really only a day late). I haven't been using my G+ or Facebook. My Twitter apparently got hacked and I didn't even notice. I got the stuff to make the paracord awareness bracelets (more on that later) but wouldn't make them because the tutorial was online. I have 157 posts of yours waiting to be read in my reader. I've just been in total avoidance mode. My attitude was kind of like Sheldon's above, if Amy was replaced by every single person on the internet.

It wasn't until Saturday that it dawned on me what part of the problem was: Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day after my loss. I didn't want to see or hear anyone talk about it so I just stuck my fingers in my ears and ignored everything. Did that make things better? I don't know. Sunday I had a couple of minor breakdowns, mostly just in my head, but overall it was a good day. My mom, my older sister, her DH, my younger sister, my DH, and I all went out to eat at a nontraditional location - a sports bar/pub. Thankfully there weren't too many happy smiling pregnant women or families with small children so it wasn't too bad. Then we went to see Iron Man 3 and Oblivion, and there weren't any noisy children in attendance. My older sister posted something on her Facebook for me which I really appreciated. Overall I think it turned out as best as it could have. I hope by next May we have something to really celebrate.

My little sister, me, older sister, and mom.

It wasn't just that though, I've felt like I've been at a standstill regarding my recovery. I feel better than I did before starting the new treatment, but I don't think I feel better than I did around the one month mark. I'm nervous things won't get much better than they are now. I was going to call the clinic we would like to go through for the embryo adoption to find out some more information, but I'm scared we won't be able to do it. So that's been something I've been avoiding as well. Sigh.

I've heard from several people that exercise and smiling release endorphins that make you happy. I very much want to be happy. I've started a new exercise regimen where every other day I work out (well, at least do yoga) with my PS3 game Fit in Six as much as I can without hurting myself, and go for a walk on the other days. So far it's going well but I'm only on day four so we'll see where I am in a couple of weeks lol. Unfortunately my Appalachian Trail Virtual Walk app is stuck at 8.3 miles and I can't get it to register more than that no matter how long I walk, so those updates on Fridays are cancelled. I might find another app for walking but it won't be as cool as that one. I've tried to remind myself to smile anytime I notice I'm frowning even if I don't feel like it.

I think these new changes must be helping some, as here I am writing this instead of watching TV. Yesterday I finally finished my sample bracelets and set up my Etsy shop. They are $5 each plus $1 for shipping. I've already sold 5 and have a couple more people interested! Right now I only have pink, blue, black, and teal cord to make them with but I've ordered some yellow and hope that will be here next week. I need to sell at least 15 to make up what I've spent on materials, but I think that's doable. I have enough cord to make 40 or 50 of them. If you'd like one you can order through Etsy or just send me an email with what colors you want, your wrist size, and address and pay through the paypal button here on the blog. The money will of course be saved up to pay for whatever it takes to make us parents. My mom is trying to set up a local fundraiser for us as well to help sell some. I really like making them even if no one else buys them and I have to give them away for Christmas haha!

Well I think that's all the news here for the moment. I'm sure I'm forgetting something but I just can't be bothered to figure it out. Obviously I'm still dealing with some of the apathy that's plagued me recently. I hope by next week I'm feeling much closer to myself again.

Appalachian Trail Part 1 Week 5

Notice the people at the top for scale. source

Name of trail: AT Part 1 - Georgia
Distance this update: 2.4 miles
Average distance: 2.3 miles
Total distance: 6.8 miles
Time this update: 1:07
Average time: 1:08
Total Time: 3:23
Landmarks reached: Long Creek Falls (pictured), Hawk Mountain Shelter

The improvement in my health is reflected in my stats for the past two weeks. I walked .6 miles more than the two weeks before, and did it in 4 minutes less! I was going to figure out how long it took me to walk each .1 mile this update vs last but that made my head hurt haha. I really am absolutely terrible at math, especially when time is involved because for some reason an hour is 60 minutes not 100. We really need a metric version of time. The Virtual Walk app includes seconds but I'm just going to round it to the nearest minute from now on so I don't have to deal with that.

We had to get Scotty a harness because he kept trying to coke himself with his collar. He gets so excited sometimes. He will even stand up and kind of hop on two feet trying to get to the squirrel or whatever. Whenever he'd try and get too far ahead of me he would make a kind of wheezy noise and eventually he would pause for a second and cough. The harness seems like a giant improvement. He can do that all he wants and it doesn't hurt him.

We also ran into a "Farmish Market" which is a farmer's market owned by some Amish people. I had no idea there were Amish here! The marker on the map is where the Farmish Market is. The land area of the map is about 6 square miles. Notice all the water? Yeah not much farming space around here. There is space to farm about 30-45 minutes from here (if you've got a small personal farm) but that seems like a long distance for someone to travel everyday if you're Amish. Maybe I just don't know enough about Amish rules.

Here is the map for the distance I "traveled" this time on the AT. The black X is where I left off last time and the white X is where I stopped this time.

Appalachian Trail Part 1 Week 3

source

This has not been going as well as I would have liked. Last week it was raining, then my chest was bothering me, then we had the wedding. This week I've been recovering from the wedding and again it stormed yesterday. Bah. So I think I'm just going to update every other week, at least during storm season. It's also getting hotter which is something I need to take into account. I am not a morning person and never wake up early unless I have to for a doctor appointment. Once it starts to cool off in the evenings the mosquitoes come out and they think I taste delicious. DH doesn't like me to go out by myself as night since 2/3s of the murders in our city last year happened in our neighborhood. The time I went today was perfect, so I think I'm going to try and go late afternoon before the mosquitoes come out. In a few weeks it won't really matter when I go since it'll be insufferably hot even at night.

The one day I did manage to go last week my phone shut itself off in the middle of the walk for some reason and my distance wasn't saved. I knew from my last update that I had been walking about 2 miles an hour, so I just put it on treadmill mode for about how long I had been walking before I noticed my phone was off. Looking at my time I wonder if it actually kept my time but not my mileage or something as it took me more time to go less distance these two weeks. Either that or I've just been walking slower haha!

Name of trail: AT Part 1 - Georgia
Distance this week: 1.8 miles
Total distance: 4.4 miles
Time this week: 1:11:10
Total Time: 2:16:21
Landmarks reached: Footbridge on the Appalachian Trail (pictured above)

X marks the spot I stopped this week. source 

Appalachian Trail Part 1 Week 1

source

I think I've mentioned on here before that I have chronic pain not associated with endo. Oddly enough it started not long after my first lap but we have it mostly under control now. I actually take a low dose anti-depressant that is prescribed for chronic pain as an off label use. I have break through pain a few times a month but mostly I'm fine... unless I exercise. Yup, that's just what a fat girl with PCOS wants is to not be able to exercise. Back before we stopped TTC I had worked up to about 90 minutes of light yoga a week which was at least something. Since then I haven't felt like doing anything. What does this have to do with the Appalachian Trail? I promise I'm getting to that part. =)

I thought well maybe I can't work up the energy or will to do yoga but I can take the dog for a walk. We don't normally take Scotty for walks as we have a big (fenced in) backyard he shares with another dog. With me being in so much pain lately from endo there have been days weeks where I haven't gone outside at all. So taking the dog for a walk and being in the sun a bit might improve my spirits slightly and get in at least some physical activity other than walking to the kitchen. I needed something to keep me accountable though or else I knew I wouldn't do it more than a day or two. So I started searching for walking apps for my phone.

Enter Virtual Walk. It's an app that lets you experience different destinations by walking around your own neighborhood. Say you select the National Mall route, your house has just become the Washington Monument. You get a little bit of info about the monument and a picture. It tells you stuff like because the construction took over 35 years, different sources of marble were used. Due to this you will notice the lower 156 feet are a different color than the rest. It's kind of like a tour guide in your phone! The next destination is the World War II Memorial, but the info about that is locked until you walk the actual distance between it and the Washington Monument. You can set it on treadmill mode rather than GPS and just leave it on until you unlock everything, but that kind of defeats the purpose.

The walk I chose is the Georgia section of the Appalachian Trail. It is 70.6 miles long and most people complete it in about a week. I figure it's going to take me about six months. =D In order to keep myself even more accountable I thought I would update my progress here every week. Not sure which day yet, probably Friday or Saturday. So if you see a week go by without an update feel free to call me out on it! I know my time is pretty terrible, but please keep in mind I'm walking the dog and he likes to stop and sniff stuff and pee on all the mailbox posts.

Name of trail: AT Part 1 - Georgia
Distance this week: 2.6 miles
Total distance: 2.6 miles
Time this week: 1:05:11
Total Time: 1:05:11
Landmarks reached: AT Start, Spring Mountain Shelter, Stover Creek Shelter

source