Thursday, May 16, 2013

Taking my head out of the sand

For the past few weeks I've in kind of a mental lock down mode. I haven't posted here since last Monday, even though I should have four additional posts by now (well, this one is really only a day late). I haven't been using my G+ or Facebook. My Twitter apparently got hacked and I didn't even notice. I got the stuff to make the paracord awareness bracelets (more on that later) but wouldn't make them because the tutorial was online. I have 157 posts of yours waiting to be read in my reader. I've just been in total avoidance mode. My attitude was kind of like Sheldon's above, if Amy was replaced by every single person on the internet.

It wasn't until Saturday that it dawned on me what part of the problem was: Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day after my loss. I didn't want to see or hear anyone talk about it so I just stuck my fingers in my ears and ignored everything. Did that make things better? I don't know. Sunday I had a couple of minor breakdowns, mostly just in my head, but overall it was a good day. My mom, my older sister, her DH, my younger sister, my DH, and I all went out to eat at a nontraditional location - a sports bar/pub. Thankfully there weren't too many happy smiling pregnant women or families with small children so it wasn't too bad. Then we went to see Iron Man 3 and Oblivion, and there weren't any noisy children in attendance. My older sister posted something on her Facebook for me which I really appreciated. Overall I think it turned out as best as it could have. I hope by next May we have something to really celebrate.

My little sister, me, older sister, and mom.
It wasn't just that though, I've felt like I've been at a standstill regarding my recovery. I feel better than I did before starting the new treatment, but I don't think I feel better than I did around the one month mark. I'm nervous things won't get much better than they are now. I was going to call the clinic we would like to go through for the embryo adoption to find out some more information, but I'm scared we won't be able to do it. So that's been something I've been avoiding as well. Sigh.

I've heard from several people that exercise and smiling release endorphins that make you happy. I very much want to be happy. I've started a new exercise regimen where every other day I work out (well, at least do yoga) with my PS3 game Fit in Six as much as I can without hurting myself, and go for a walk on the other days. So far it's going well but I'm only on day four so we'll see where I am in a couple of weeks lol. Unfortunately my Appalachian Trail Virtual Walk app is stuck at 8.3 miles and I can't get it to register more than that no matter how long I walk, so those updates on Fridays are cancelled. I might find another app for walking but it won't be as cool as that one. I've tried to remind myself to smile anytime I notice I'm frowning even if I don't feel like it.

I think these new changes must be helping some, as here I am writing this instead of watching TV. Yesterday I finally finished my sample bracelets and set up my Etsy shop. They are $5 each plus $1 for shipping. I've already sold 5 and have a couple more people interested! Right now I only have pink, blue, black, and teal cord to make them with but I've ordered some yellow and hope that will be here next week. I need to sell at least 15 to make up what I've spent on materials, but I think that's doable. I have enough cord to make 40 or 50 of them. If you'd like one you can order through Etsy or just send me an email with what colors you want, your wrist size, and address and pay through the paypal button here on the blog. The money will of course be saved up to pay for whatever it takes to make us parents. My mom is trying to set up a local fundraiser for us as well to help sell some. I really like making them even if no one else buys them and I have to give them away for Christmas haha!

Well I think that's all the news here for the moment. I'm sure I'm forgetting something but I just can't be bothered to figure it out. Obviously I'm still dealing with some of the apathy that's plagued me recently. I hope by next week I'm feeling much closer to myself again.

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