Saturday, September 28, 2013

Do you have any children?

I never know what to say when someone asks me this question. I know usually they are just making small talk and aren't looking for a deep, sad conversation. In my heart I have a child. It's death does not sever that parent-child relationship. I feel like I should be able to acknowledge his or her existence. Yet answering yes feels like... I don't know, denial? Because what they're really asking is if I'm parenting any children, not if a human was ever created using my eggs. If I say yes they'll then ask more questions like how old are they, is it a boy or a girl, etc and I don't have any good answers for that either. I can be honest and talk about how my child died before it was born and I was never able to find out it's gender but that usually just makes things awkward. Strangers and acquaintances don't want to talk about heavy stuff like that. I could answer some with what should have been, I could say I have a three month old, but if they ever found out the truth it would just make me seem even crazier. I've come to the conclusion that it's best to approach this question the same way I do "How are you?" People don't care how you actually are. Even if you're sick, or depressed, or having surgery the next day, you just respond "fine" and move on. You lie. Even if my heart breaks a little more each time.

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