Guilty

source

I am feeling extremely guilty today. Someone I met during our TTC journey recently got her BFP. They had been trying for a while, and like me she wasn't ovulating. Unlike me she didn't start out with a PCOS and anovulatory diagnosis so it took a while before her doctor was willing to prescribe her Clomid. Their very first cycle using MA was a success. While I was happy for her I was so jealous. Here I am after seven cycles of Clomid and two of Femara and instead of being pregnant I'm taking a medication specifically prescribed to keep me from being fertile.

Yes I did get pregnant in October the third time I ovulated, but it was over before I had a chance to really believe it. The first two days of tests were so light I wouldn't let myself get too excited. I didn't even tell my husband until the third day when the line was unmistakably pink and I was experiencing definite symptoms. For an hour or two we were so happy! And then the bleeding started. The rest of that day and most of the next were just nerve wracking. We were too scared to go back to that euphoric feeling we had experienced just moments before. It was like our world was split in half. In the past everything was perfect. We were to be parents. The one thing I have consistently hoped for my future since I was a child was finally coming true. In memory those few hours were like a fairy tale.

But not all fairy tales have a happy ending.

One the other side of time was an HGC of less than 5, months of grief, and more fertility meds to finally end up here, childless. So I was jealous that it worked for her on the first shot. That she wouldn't have to know the pain I felt. She was still in fairy tale land and as much as I reached, as fast as I ran, as far as I jumped I could not get back there.

And now almost a month later she is here with me, longing to be on the other side. Last week she had an ultrasound which showed only a sac measuring about five weeks when she was supposed to be seven. Today she went back and had another scan which showed the same thing. Her HGC had only gone up from 10k to 12k. As much as I was jealous of her before I never wanted her to go through this. I know it's not my fault but I should have been happier for her. I shouldn't have let my own misery get in the way. Even though I know my jealousy had no impact on the end of her pregnancy, now I can't stop myself from feeling oh so guilty.

I hope if she reads this she will forgive me.