Wednesday, July 10, 2013

When someone says How-do-you-do, just say you didn't.

My due date was the first and I've got to say, that did not go well. I had a few full on hyperventilating breakdowns and basically took a break from the internet. Somehow playing the Sims 3, complete with pregnancy and nooboos, didn't bother me. Perhaps because in a way, it allowed me to have the children I should've had? I don't know. I stayed away from blogs, Facebook, G+, and even Instagram since people have started posting announcements there recently. I watched Castle which thankfully was devoid of pregnancy and babies for the most part. Well, except a few episodes where one of the supporting characters was either subfertile or just unlucky, and found out his wife was pregnant at their first RE appointment. Oops hope that wasn't a spoiler.

During this time I felt so alone. Last year about 20 women who met online started a secret FB group, all of us having tried for a while, had diagnosed problems, or had suffered a loss. They were my main support system when I miscarried. We originally had a rule that you could stay when you got pregnant but no complaining! We know pregnancy isn't all rainbows and butterflies but it's insensitive to complain to people who would give anything to experience those things you are complaining about. Once we started getting BFPs and having losses (or scares) there was an unspoken exception when it came to the uncertainty and fear of early pregnancy. Now so many of them are pregnant it seems they've forgotten the rule altogether. What I hoped would continue to be my support system just seemed to make things worse.

It's also been raining way more than usual, which hasn't really helped my mood. The fact that our city flooded and streets were closed did give me a good excuse not to participate in Independance Day celebrations. It definitely made me think of the Steve Wariner song Holes in the Floor of Heaven. Like maybe our baby was just as sad as I was. Man, country music sure does know how to make you cry!

For the past several weeks I've been feeling pretty terrible. I thought it was because of my due date but now I think it's something else. I've been quite fatigued which has led to first slacking on my exercise and being more lax with my food choices, and now I'm doing good just walking around the house and eating Lucky Charms twice a day. I sleep all the time, and when I'm not sleeping I wish I was asleep. Like last night we went to bed at 11pm and I slept till 9:30am. Then I went back to sleep about noon and woke up again at 4:30pm. It's 8pm now and I already feel like I could go back to sleep. I constantly feel as if I've taken sleeping medication or have stayed up all night.

I have a doctor appointment next Wednesday but I'm not expecting any answers then as I'll probably need blood work and a follow up appointment. In the meantime Dr. Google has provided some possible causes. I could be anemic, which I have a history of but only after AF and it's never like this. It could be an issue with my thyroid or adrenal glands. It could be depression which wouldn't be terribly surprising I suppose. And of course it could be cancer, since according to Google everything could be cancer. I just hope whatever it is can be fixed relatively quickly and easily because this is nuts. Bonus points if I'm not stuck taking another medication everyday for the rest of my life.

Oh and it seems as if my endo has stopped improving and possibly even gotten a bit worse. For a while there were some days I'd only need 800mg of ibuprofen and 1000mg of acetaminophen however many times you're allowed to take it a day, and when I did need something stronger it would only be one dose. Now I'm back up to taking at least one Tramadol a day and sometimes two, plus the OTC stuff.

Not to mention yesterday I got two pregnancy announcements, one of which from a friend who is pregnant with her second child that they started trying for after we were TTC our first. This is the second person so far who has lapped us.

Sorry if this post seems like nothing but negativity, I tried to think of something positive to include but couldn't think of anything.

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