Cycle 9 CD39 (10DPO?) - Sick Again

I'm sick again. My mom has some kind of viral infection so I'm wondering if I caught it from her. No matter what it is I feel absolutely awful. Blech. The terrible thing is, I got sick last TWW at about the same time and then I got a BFP so being sick made me a little hopeful. I've also had a bit of spotting around when you should have IB. I doubt I even ovulated and here I go symptom spotting... I took a test just in case but I'm pretty sure it's negative. 

I promise I will post all my left over 30 Days of Thanks when I start to feel better. Don't think I'm going to make Iron Commenter for ICLW, though. Maybe next month?

Top to bottom: flash, autofix, natural. All the same test. Play with it at CTP.

Why PCOS Sucks

There are many reasons PCOS sucks, but this is one thing that is irritating me right now. A while ago I was able to get a free eBook of Beat PCOS and Boost Fertility. Having finished 50 Shades of Gray Matter I decided to load it up on my Kindle app and give it a go. So far I'm not super impressed, but that's a post for another day. In the third chapter one of the authors gives a list of all the doctors someone with PCOS should be seeing and why. I'm probably not allowed to reprint the why part but this is the list:

• Internist
• Gynecologist
• Dietician
• Endocrinologist
• Health Psychologist
• Dermatologist
• RE
• Psychiatrist (as your psychologist can't prescribe meds)
• Acupuncturist
• Cardiologist

That's ten doctors I'm supposed to be seeing on the regular! That doesn't even include the Certified Personal Trainer the book said I should have in the previous chapter.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 22

22. I am thankful for my husband.

I'm going to be honest, I've been procrastinating writing this post. I was looking forward to it and planned since the beginning to make it my actual Thanksgiving post as he's what I'm most thankful for, but now I just don't feel so thankful. It's nothing he's done, there's just a black cloud hanging over me in general. I'm afraid if I write it now I won't do it justice since I've been feeling so down. But part of the reason I decided to participate in 30DoT was to remind me that I do have stuff to be thankful for on the hard days. If I stop now then the rest of the month's posts would have been in vain. So here goes, my best attempt to describe in words how thankful I am for my DH.

When I met my husband I wasn't in a great place. The few years around my high school graduation were hard as I was dealing with a lot of crap regarding my sociopathic father. As always I was having health problems and was confused about what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I really wanted to be a wife and mother, but you can't major in that. The fields that called to me, the "ologies" as I call them (meteorology, oceanography, geology in particular), I couldn't do because I'm dreadful at math. Meeting him really brought a light into my life. Right away I learned he shared my love of musicals, which was awesome because there weren't many in my life that did. We could talk about random stuff that didn't matter, but looking back I realize those conversations did matter. They mattered very much. Besides just being a friend he also challenged me intellectually. We would debate religion and politics and such and he let me use my mind, without being condescending if I didn't agree with him. There were a few things he changed my mind on but mostly he helped me feel confident in my beliefs, as explaining to him why I believed what I did helped me figure it out for myself. We became close pretty fast but it took a while for us to be romantically involved.

When he mentioned he had feelings for me I was scared. My self esteem was terrible back then so I always questioned why he would be interested in me. Was it a scam? We met online and lived 8 hours away from each other so I also thought it wouldn't work. Back then online relationships still had a bum rap, so I was also nervous of what my friends and family might say. He kept being my friend and bringing up ways that it could work, and I ultimately relented. We starting making plans to meet in person for the first time. It took very little time for him to bring up the L word and again I was scared out of my mind. I couldn't say it back at first but he was very patient with me. I knew I loved him the same way you love friends, he was definitely one of the most important people in my life, but did I love him love him? Eventually I just knew. I did, and we were going to get married. He was my "one", it's as simple as that. Of course I didn't go around telling people so at the time...

He moved to be with me. The left his home, his friends, his family, his job, everything to be with me. I'm so thankful for that because I couldn't have done it. I've had many of my friends and some family move away, and that's hard on me even still having people here. It's hard even being a few hours away from my friends and my sister so I don't know how I would have dealt with being 8 hours away from everyone. But he's a trooper. He hardly ever complains about being away from his friends or family. He misses them, obviously, but it's worth it to him to be with me. That kind of love is something I am blessed to have.

I feel bad sometimes because I'm not the same person I was when we met. Like I said, I've always had health problems but they are so much worse now. Last march I started having constant cramps where I had to be medicated 24/7. Then I had surgery and didn't recover well. After that I developed chronic chest pain. I had to go to a doctor over and hour away to find a way to deal with that, and I still had breakout pain a few times a month. Then I started Clomid which comes with mood swings and hot flashes and more cramps. The doctor I was seeing is no longer working and I ran out of my medication so the chest pain has come back and I've had cramps all cycle. Basically my point is I've been drugged up for a year and eight months. I can't work, can't go to school, can't drive, I'm "silly" all the time, I don't do that much housework, I can't have the kind of conversations we used to.

But through all this he has been there for me. He never makes me feel like I'm worthless or not good enough. Sure he jokes sometimes, but I know he doesn't mean it. He just wants me to be better and it hurts him to see me like this. He was really hesitant to have a biological child because he's afraid they would inherit my health problems. I understand his fear, it's one we share, but I really wanted to have the experience of pregnancy. I wanted to look at our child and see us in them. I'm very white, he is... not. I think our children would be such a beautiful mix of the both of us. Knowing how important it was to me he got on board. (It also helps that we're not really in any position to adopt right now.) Some wives can't even convince their husbands to have kids, so that he would do this for me despite the potential problems really means a lot.

I'm not sure what I would do without him.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 21

 

I know It's not the 21st anymore. Heck, it's technically not even the 22nd. I have a special post planned out for the 22nd otherwise I would combine these two.

21. I am thankful for Coolness Graphed.

Coolness Graphed is a tumblr that well, graphs the coolness of things. I know it sounds kinda dumb but I find it endlessly entertaining. It's one of my favorite websites to visit, especially if I'm feeling down. You should go read all 28 pages but in the meantime here are some that I think relate to TTC/babies. The first one doesn't really relate unless you'e had a loss.

Cycle 9 CD33 (4DPO?) - The Girl Who Waited

Shout out to all the whovians reading this blog! Really feel like "the girl who waited" today. Only instead of waiting for the Doctor, I'm waiting to know what the flying furry flamingos is going on with my cycle. 

WTFFF?

As you can see by my chart, I technically have crosshairs. This is using the research interpretation method on FF. If I'm on advanced which is the recommended one I don't have CHs. I did yesterday, but I guess my temp was too low today so they took it away. Also as you'll notice I had some EWCM which is why they are dotted. So now I'm at 4dpo and I still don't really know if I ovulated or not. I waited 29 days to possibly ovulate when normal people have finished their two week wait by now, then another three days to see if I would get CHs. I finally do after several fake outs this cycle and they get taken away the next day! I was supposed to start Provera after four weeks which would have been almost a week ago, but I waited because I got an iffy OPK. 53% of people on CTP say it was positive. Each day I wait to see what is going on potentially means another day before this cycle will be over.

I decided screw it, I'm taking the provera anyway. I took it tonight and will take it till probably 16dpo as I get 13 pills. You can stop after 10 but I usually don't because I'm scared it won't work. Because provera is a type of progesterone it should be fine even if I did ovulate and we caught the egg. I looked up info on it for a long, long time before deciding to take it because I don't want to do anything that could cause a potential second m/c. I even spoke to a pharmacist who told me it will be fine I just have to make sure I test before stopping it. If I stop it in early pregnancy it could cause a m/c the same way a progesterone deficiency can. I got my first positive at 10dpo last cycle, so I figure by 16dpo I should test positive if I'm ever going to. If I do get a BFP I will tell the doctor and I guess stay on it for a while or something. According to my research some doctors actually prescribe provera in the TWW to women with a progesterone deficiency.

The bad thing about this is, I could potentially never know if I really ovulated or not. If my temp goes down even further then I probably didn't. However if it goes back up that could be caused by the provera. Either way I will be going back on Clomid next cycle (unless I get a BFP) so I guess it doesn't really matter if I O'd or not. I'm leaning towards no because I haven't in the past and while m/c can make you more fertile than normal, some healthy women don't even O their first cycle.

quick update

my internet isnt working so im typing this on my phone. for some reason it wont let me use caps or the alt key which is pretty weird. anyway im pretty sure i ovulated a few days ago which is awesome. im hoping to be able to post a real update once my dh gets home and can check things out.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 20

20. I am thankful for free zombie books.

As I've mentioned before, I like to read. I prefer to read "hard copy" books as nothing can really compare to  the experience of holding the book in your hand, grasping the next page in anticipation of what is to come. However I recognize that there are some situations where having eBooks are more convenient. I don't own an eReader but I do have a Kindle app on my phone that works pretty well.

A while ago someone shared freezombiebooks.com with me on G+. I like books, I like free, and I like zombies so this was right up my alley. From their website:

The name of FreeZombieBooks.com is pretty self explanatory. Every day (except Sundays) we share links to free zombie books for the Kindle or any device with the Kindle app. 

These books are 100% free legal to download. Why are they free? The authors can make them free for up to 5 days in a 90-day period. They do this to get their book out into more people’s hands. Please repay the favor by reviewing the books you download and checking out the rest of the authors’ works. 

We do make some money doing this. Every link to Amazon is an affiliate link, so if you click through and buy anything on Amazon within a day or so, we’ll get a small commission. This in no way affects your Amazon shopping experience, and it’s the reason we can keep providing this service for free.

So far I haven't read very many of the books as this is my back up, but I like knowing and I have several waiting for me to get to if I need them. Right now I'm reading 50 Shades of Gray Matter and it's pretty awesome. The description says it's "semi-erotica" but I wouldn't really classify it as such. Basically people who are infected can keep from becoming "full zombie" by remaining um, aroused, as the zombie infected blood rushes away from their brains. But other than some jokes about this it's pretty tame. There's no sex scenes or anything. The writing isn't super well done but it's really funny. I think maybe the author just needed a better editor or something. The book is normally $4 but it's currently free for prime members.

As an aside, I'm also on Goodreads. You should become my friend or whatever it's called over there.

Fertility Friend Thanksgiving Discount/ 30DoT: Day 19

Fertility Friend is the website/mobile app I use to chart my cycles. The basic free version is pretty good but the VIP version has some nice perks. Normally it runs $120/year (or less for less time) which is definitely too pricey for me considering it isn't necessary. However they've just announced a Thanksgiving Special on their Facebook page. This promo allows you to get a full year for only $25! Normally it costs that much for 3 months! Definitely something all you other charters should consider getting. Now let's home I don't need it a full year...

I think this is going to be what I'm thankful for today as well. Partly because it's awesome, but also so I don't have to post three times today. =D

Liebster Blog Award, Part 1

source: Mean Mommy Academy

Vickilicious at The Greek Housewife has nominated me for a Liebster Blog Award! For those that don't know, this award is given to up and coming bloggers by other recipients. During my research I found the cut-off for follower numbers to be between 200-2000. The rules are that I must now state 11 things about myself, answer 11 questions written by my nominator, and then nominate 11 other bloggers who will answer my own 11 questions.

11 Things About Me

1. I am partial to zebra print. I have zebra print converse, a zebra print cowboy hat, a zebra print pillowcase, and a zebra print wallet. I used to have a zebra print purse but it fell apart on me. I'm always looking for a new one though.

2. I have a cotton phobia. Cotton clothing is usually okay unless I think about it too much. I cannot deal with cotton balls though. Certain blankets or warmer clothing can be problematic. I have to do a feel test for socks before I buy them. I think this is probably because I had really bad eczema as a kid, and the cotton snags on it. I'm going to stop thinking about it now before I have to change my clothes.

3. I have a low tolerance for alcohol/medication. I can't drink because I'm a super light weight. Like, really really lightweight. I wouldn't anyway because I think it tastes terrible and don't see the point, but this is a nice back up reason. Some people like to say "oh, well sure, every other drink tastes terrible but this one tastes awesome! TRY IT!" So then I can tell them I can't because I would probably pass out. I also have to be really careful about things like pain medication. Now that I've been on so much of it things are a bit better, but at first I would have to cut my lortabs in half. It's really helpful because I can usually take something a little less heavy duty than what others would need.

4. I love I Love Lucy. No, I wasn't stuttering. It's one of my favorite shows. Just recently my husband bought me three seasons on DVD from Walmart which is awesome. I even dyed my hair red so I could go as her for Halloween one year.

5. I (used to) play the flute. My older sister took up the flute when she was in sixth grade, so I decided I would as well two years later. I was terrible at it for most of school until I became best friends with someone who was one of those child prodigies (and now is a band director). With some tutoring I became one of the best flutists in my high school band. I haven't picked my flute up in years though, actually I'm not sure where it is...

6. Pickles are my favorite food. I really, really like pickles. One year I got a 5 gallon bucket of pickles for my birthday. It was awesome. I like to eat them as a snack. Walmart makes some of the best pickles, which is fortunate since they're pretty cheap and I go through a lot of them. Claussen, the brand kept in the refrigerated section, will always be my favorite though.

7. I met my husband on WoW. Yes, that's right, the video game. We're pretty nerdy. I met him by accident while trying to kill dragons in a sunken troll temple. We became friends and he eventually convinced me that we had something more. He moved from when he lived 8 hours away to my town so we could be together.

8. My favorite author is Peter S. Beagle. I met him once at Dragoncon and it was an incredible experience. Some people you meet and your opinion of them goes down, but not him. He's an amazing story teller. Really he's the picture perfect grandpa that you just want to tell you stories every night before you go to sleep. He sang to me a Russian song about a girl named Natasha (my first name) who would dance and try to sing on bar tables after she had a few.

9. I love musicals. I've mentioned already my love for Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, The Book of Mormon, Sweeney Todd,   1776, Rent, The Producers, The Pirates of Penzance, Jesus Christ Superstar... I think you get the picture.

10. I'm self-conscious about my writing. I don't like people to read the stuff I write. This isn't too bad because it feels so informal, I mean stuff like fiction or term papers. I just know people are going to hate it even though I mostly received good grades and compliments. The fear of being a terrible writer actually keeps me from writing.

11. I think I will get and stay pregnant. Until the loss last cycle I really didn't think I would ever conceive. I figured we'd go through this song and dance a few more months, I would eventually get a hysterectomy, and our focus would move to adoption. I didn't have any hope of having a biological child of my own or getting to experience pregnancy. Now I do. now I really think that within the next few months I will get my sticky Rainbow Baby. My new outlook is "it's only a matter of time". I hope I'm not let down.

Wow, this list was harder than I thought it would be! It's also pretty long all by itself, without answering any questions or nominating anyone myself. I think I will save that for another post.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 18

18. I am thankful for J.K. Rowling.

When I was little I liked reading and having books read to me. The Spot books by Eric Hill were my favorite. Unfortunately, I was too smart for my own good. My reading level was several grades higher than my own, thus I was forced to read boring old people books. I hated it. It really put me off reading for a while. Then in middle school I was up at school in the summer for some reason and I found a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner from Azkaban that someone had left behind. I didn't have anything else to do so I started reading it. Obviously I was very confused and had no idea what was going on, but I liked it.

 

I quickly read through all the books out of the time and it changed my life forever. I was a huge Harry Potter nerd. I read fanfiction, listened to/appeared on podcasts, had midnight release parties, hosted a Wizard Rock concert, and most of my friends in high school I made because of our mutual interest in Harry Potter. That last icon up there, about Voldemort? I made that. I made several HP themed icons in my day but that's by far the most popular one. Imagine the most HP obsessed person you can think of, that was me. Sean Biggerstaff, the guy who played Oliver Wood, was at the top of my celebrity crush list for pretty much ever.

Harry Potter let me know that I could enjoy reading. There were stories out there that could engage my mind without boring me to death. It's such a well planned out series that I could read it over and over and pick up on new little details each time. I spent so much time theorizing and using critical thinking skills because of this book. When you get to the end, and you learn the full backstory of who Snape is... it's just amazing. There is so much depth to him He's still my favorite fictional character. 

More than just impacting all of my teenage years to a greater degree than anything else, more than bringing me and my friends together, J.K. Rowling reminded me of my love for the written word. I started reading again and never looked back. Reading, especially fantasy, is one my favorite hobbies now and I'm not sure that would be true if I hadn't found that book in middle school. I can never thank her enough for that.

30 Days of Thanks: Days 16 & 17

I was busy yesterday and didn't get a chance to post so I'm combining them again.

16. I am thankful for short heels.

Yesterday my DH and I attended a formal murder mystery dinner. It was a lot of fun and I hope they have another one. Since I didn't really have anything appropriate to wear I had to buy new stuff which wasn't as fun. I only have like one pair of beat up black flats that I wear every day and I knew those weren't going to cut it. As a child I used to wear heels all the time, I would even play on my pogo-stick while wearing them. Now not so much. I was able to get some heels that are probably 1 inch from Kohls and they are awesome. It says they are for "juniors" but honey badger don't care. They are comfy as heck for dress shoes. Here they are and then a picture of me and DH all dressed up. =]

  

17. I am thankful for blog hops.

I have recently made it to 23 followers which I think is awesome. It may not seem like much to you guys, but  that's one follower more than my last blog several years ago ever got. I've had several blogs in the past but this is by far my most successful. I think part of the reason why is because I have a defined purpose here that lacked before.

Anyway, a few of those followers are people who I knew prior to blogging but most of them/you come from blog hops. I've also found several new blogs that I enjoy reading from those same blog hops. Here are links to the ones I normally participate in.

   

30 Days of Thanks: Day 15

15. I am thankful for Joss Whedon.

 Oh, where do I even start? He has graced the entertainment industry with so much awesomeness since 1989 I could probably do a whole "30 Days of Thanking Joss Whedon" series. That's actually kind of tempting, but this is a TTC blog so I won't.

My absolute favorite piece of his work has to be Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. It's actually my favorite movie of all time. Of all time! How can you resist Neil Patrick Harris as the lovable evil genius, pitted against his hunky super hero nemesis Nathan Fillion, with Felicia Day in between them? You can't. Which is why you should watch it in it's entirety on YouTube right now. (If for some reason the video gets taken down it's also on Netflix). This movie has brought so much joy to my life that it alone deserves a spot in this month's thankfulness entries. But wait, there's more!

I first met Fran Kranz while watching Dollhouse, and he quickly became one of my favorite Whedon actors. You see, Joss Whedon likes to use the same actors over and over again which is lovely really. I enjoyed Dollhouse, although the first season was better than the second in my opinion. If you haven't seen it I believe it is also on Netflix.

Cabin in the Woods is just awesome. It also has Fran Kranz in it. If you like the scary/horror genre at all you should see this movie. It has just the right amounts of... everything. Along with Fran Kranz, it features other Whedon favorites like Amy Acker from Dollhouse and Angel, as well as Chris Hemsworth who you might know as Thor from...

The Avengers, also written and directed by Joss Whedon.

Watch Dr. Horrible to get this joke.

This is just the beginning of what he has given to nerd/geek culture. He's also at least partly responsible for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly and it's movie Serenity, Toy Story, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Alien Resurrection, X-Men, Twister, a new adaption of Much Ado About Nothing (also staring Fran Kranz <3), and has written several comic books. Basically he's amazing and my world would be far less entertaining without him.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 14

14. I am thankful for Rooster Sauce.

I like things spicy. As Shaggy said in (I think) Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, "mo' hotter, mo' better". My go-to when things just aren't spicy enough is Sriracha aka Rooster Sauce. It can go on just about anything that isn't dessert, but my personal favorite is spaghetti. I like to put it in the ground turkey when I'm browning it and then throw some more into the sauce for good measure.

Recently I found that the same company (Huy Fong Foods) makes something else simply called Chili Garlic Sauce. I put it in our stir fry tonight and it was so good. I think it's supposed to be used less as a condiment added to food after cooking and more as one of the ingredients. Until now I was using sriracha for that as well but I think I will use the chili garlic paste from now on.

Source: The Oatmeal

Cycle 9 CD25 - Here's my LH, ovulate me maybe?

So I didn't ovulate on CD20. I continued to take OPKs and they've stayed pretty dark. Tonight I got my darkest one yet. In fact, depending on who you ask it may even be positive. I personally think it's just under. It may go positive finally sometime over night or it could just keep messing with my head. If I don't ovulate at this point I think I may need to join a kick boxing class. 

Besides not ovulating, this past week has been okay. Monday was the first night I slept without any Tylenol PM since the loss. I could have slept better, but I did sleep. Last night I decided not to take any again and got decent sleep. I think I'm doing to take it a few more nights and then stop again to see if it gets any better. 

The plan has been to call Dr. E Friday afternoon to get a provera prescription called in. She said if I don't get AF four weeks after the loss to call and Sunday would be four weeks. I guess it's possible for me to magically get AF after only a month without ovulating but I don't think it's likely, so I was going to start it Sunday if I hadn't ovulated by then. Now that it looks like I might have a +OPK, I'm not sure. I won't know by Friday afternoon whether or not I did actually ovulate. I may put it off and call Tuesday if I don't have a temp shift over the weekend. Dr. E works at a different office on Monday's so it's harder to get a hold of her then.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 13

13. I am thankful for my husband's tailor. 

We were out of town again for most of the day as we had to go pick up DH's suit. It needed to be altered and the lady who does that (tailor, seamstress, not sure what the proper term is) lives about an hour and a half away. We are going to a formal murder mystery dinner on Friday so while in that area we decided to look for dresses. It's a school function and my mom also attends the school my DH goes to/works at so me, DH, my mom, and my little sister went. My mom and little sister were able to find dresses but I was not. I am never able to find a dress that fits. For those that don't know, I have a ridiculous cup size (F/G) which makes things difficult. Well apparently the tailor/seamstress lady also makes custom dresses! She said I can find a picture of a dress I like online, sketch something myself, or tell her what I want and she will sketch something, then she will make it to my measurements. We can go to the fabric store and pick out whatever fabric I want. Depending on how expensive the fabric is it probably won't cost me anymore than it would to buy a dress off the rack! I won't be able to do that by Friday obviously, but I also need a second formal dress for our cruise in January. So I am going to be thinking and looking around online over the next week and probably meet up with her the week after Thanksgiving to talk more about it. I haven't had a dress made for *me* since I was like a toddler or something so I am really looking forward to it. I am not however looking forward to searching for more dresses tomorrow... Wish me luck!

I did think it was funny that at one of the stores the lingerie section was right next to the maternity section. Kind of like a warning, "CAUTION: If you buy some of these, you may need some of those." =D

What IF: A Portrait of Infertility

Someone posted this video on JM and I wanted to share it here. As someone dealing with infertility it really touched me. Warning: shaky camera work that may lead to motion sickness.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 12

12. I am thankful for smart phones.

I was thinking today how convenient is it to have phones that do so much. Due to PCOS my cycles are naturally very unpredictable. There were times as a teenager that I literally could not remember which month I last had AF because it had been so long. Until I started on birth control at 17 or 18 my best guess is I only had one or two periods a year on average. Now however I know down to the day when AF last arrived. When I go to the doctor I can tell her I'm on CD127 or whatever it is, instead of saying I think it's been a few months.

Obviously that's not the only way my life has been improved by smart phones, it's just the one that got me thinking about the subject. I'm now able to check the weather, play games, take pictures and video, read, check my social media sites, make grocery lists, get directions via GPS, etc all from one device. It's amazing to think how different things are now than they were just 8ish years ago when I would have gotten my first cell phone. We don't even have a land line phone anymore. Technology certainly has it's draw backs but I am very thankful for all the ways it makes my life easier.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 11

11. I am thankful for sleeping in.

I was out of town again all day today (well I guess technically yesterday now) so I'll make this one short.

I am not a morning person and never have been. I started being home schooled in middle school and loved it because it meant I only had to get up early enough to go to 1PM band class. I took an 8AM class in college once and lets just say it did not go well. Now that I'm a stay at home wife I can basically sleep as late as I want! My day is kind of the opposite of most people, I get up in PM and go to bed in AM and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am greatly looking forward to having kids obviously but sleeping in is definitely something I am going to miss. I plan to enjoy it while I still can. =]

30 Days of Thanks: Days 9 & 10

I am bundling yesterday and today's posts as I was out of town yesterday, then was pretty out of it from the Dramamine I took for motion sickness. Originally I was going to post both of these for day 9 but I figured might as well make it count for both days. =D

9. I am thankful for my friend Jessica.

I've known Jessica since I was in third grade. There have been times where for whatever reason we weren't that close, mostly because we lived farther from each other than we would like. I am blessed to have the kind of friend in her that is a constant in your life regardless of how often you actually talk or see each other. Neither of us are really talkers but I know she is there for me if I need her and I hope she knows I am there for her. She is among the few people from elementary/middle/high school I consider to still be my friend rather than just a Facebook acquaintance. I will always cherish the memories I have of sleepovers and Harry Potter theorizing and playing goofy golf with our season passes as kids. I can only hope that one day my child will find a friend to make those kind of memories with. I am thankful that I am able to have a lifelong friend like this.

10. I am thankful for my friend John.

Several years ago Jessica started dating a guy named John. He was different from her past boyfriends from the beginning. He really made the effort to connect with us on a personal level rather than just be her SO. I might not have known him as long, but I consider him to be just as much my friend as her. Since he runs the Minecraft server I play on sometimes I actually talk to him more than her lol. I obviously don't know all the inner workings of their relationship but he seems to be a great partner and father to their son. He even engages with my little sister and treats her like a niece or something rather than just some annoying kid. He has a lot in common with my DH so they have become friends as well. I am thankful that we can all hang out and have fun as a group.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 8

8. I am thankful for my little sister.

My sister and I (with part of my aunt and uncle).

We found out yesterday that my little sister is pretty much allergic to everything. Trees, shrimp, dogs, peanuts, cats, grass, soybeans, mold, if you can be allergic to it she probably is. She also has very bad eczema which they think may have hid any rashes in the past which is why they didn't figure it out until now. She is so allergic that my mom has to get rid of the carpet, put plastic between her mattress and sheets, rehome the cats, and my sister will need to carry an epipen with her everywhere. It's a miracle that she hasn't had a reaction bad enough to need emergency care. If we were a family that ate seafood she might have died. So I am thankful that she is still with us here today.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 7

7. I am thankful for Rainbow Babies

In the TTC world children that are conceived following a miscarriage are called "rainbow babies". While all children are a blessing I am especially thankful for those given to couples who have dealt with infertility and pregnancy loss. Today I found out that one of my TTC friends is expecting her rainbow baby after a devastating loss at 10 1/2 weeks. They have special circumstances that I won't go into here that make this pregnancy even more of a miracle than normal. I am so happy for her and feel blessed to have met her on this journey. I can't wait till I can cherish my very own rainbow baby!

Cycle 9 CD18 - Healing

The last week hasn't been very good. I've broken down over the loss a lot. I realized that I was scared of getting pregnant again. Not just a normal healthy amount of scared, but like paralyzing. One of the ladies I met on JM had an early loss two cycles ago. Last cycle she was my testing buddy and we got our BFPs on the same day. We also miscarried on the same day. So now she has had two losses in a row. I am so scared that will happen to me that while we are technically NTNP I've been subconsciously preventing the old fashioned way. As my possible O date has crept closer the fear has only gotten worse. But now that I've sat down and figured out what I'm scared of and really looked at it, I feel better. Acknowledging the fear has helped decrease it. I'm still not sure how well I'd deal with another positive this cycle, but I think that next cycle I will be able to move full speed ahead. Get back on the horse.

Another thing that bothered me was that when I saw people in real life, no one said anything to me. Not an "I'm sorry", not a hug, not an "I'm thinking of you", nothing. It was like nothing even happened. It made me feel terrible because it felt like they didn't realize the gravity of the situation. My baby had died, but to them it was business as usual. Some online friends helped me be able to see that that's not necessarily what was happening. My family could just not know how to approach it. It's an awkward thing to talk about, and dealing with grieving people can be hard. The "right thing to say" is different for everyone, so for some people saying nothing is easier than accidentally saying the wrong thing. If this is true it still makes me think it was kind of cowardly but it's better than them not thinking it's important.

However after that happened, my grandmother called to check on me. Her church had sent me a card in the mail and she wanted to make sure I got it, and to ask if I still wanted to be on the prayer list. I'm not very close to my grandmother so it made me feel better to know she was thinking of me.

Then last night someone who used to be by best friend but now I don't talk to much messaged me on Facebook. It was pretty out of the blue, she just wanted to check on me and see how I'm doing. I talked to her for a bit and that also made me feel better. She is going to make me some cookies. =]

So today I am feeling much better about everything. I hope that I can continue to heal over the next couple of weeks. I'm tired of being sad all the time.

As far as my cycle goes, still no ovulation yet but that's not surprising. My temps have started to look like my pre-O temps from last cycle so there's a chance I may O "on time" aka CD20. The pink line is this cycle and the green is last cycle.

I was also a bad girl and took an OPK. I just wanted to see if there was any line at all, because if there wasn't then O'ing in the next few days is less likely. We there is a line, and it's pretty dark. Not dark enough for a positive but dark enough to know that something is going on. Even if I don't O in the next few days I think my body will have at least tried to and that is something.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 6

6. I am thankful for short queues. 

source: AP

If you didn't know, today was election day in the US. We went to vote at about 10am before DH had to go to class. Before leaving I checked out local newspaper's Facebook page and saw that some locations were reporting two hour wait times. This was my face: O.o But then we got there, and there wasn't a line at all! Literally no wait whatsoever. I was very thankful for that.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 5

5. I am thankful for Just Mommies.

Several months ago I went to the baby shower of an old friend. I had recently started getting pretty bad cramps that were quite alarming to me. I just knew my endo was coming back and that was it for my dreams of being a mother. I had scheduled an appointment to discuss what was going on with Dr. E for that next week. While at the shower I got the questions. You know the ones, "When are you planning on having kids?" It was a hard day for me because not only was I at a baby shower (which is always hard for someone dealing with infertility) it had also come at a bad time personally. So I told people. I didn't say we were TTC, I just said we wanted kids but it was quite likely I would have a hysterectomy before we got the chance. I know you're probably thinking, what does this have to do with Just Mommies? I promise I'm getting there!

One of my other friends came up to me later that day and confided in me that she also had PCOS. Amazingly her and her DH had started trying the same month we did. She wasn't having any luck ovulating either. =/ Even though I'm really saddened by the idea of one of my friends going through this is was nice to have someone I could talk to. Someone who would get it. She told me about this great forum of other women who are TTC who have helped her deal with the trial of infertility. That forum is Just Mommies.

It took me a little while to get comfortable there. I had been on forums full of hormonal women before and it wasn't very pretty. Thankfully I found that their tag line was spot on, it was "the friendliest place for moms and moms-to-be!" Being able to go there and describe my CM in gruesome detail when I needed to, rant about another anovulatory cycle, or celebrate the ovulatory ones has been wonderful. I have met a great group of women, many whom I've grown close to. We are even doing a Christmas card exchange and I am quite looking forward to that. It has also helped me deal with my loss because they understand. Some of them have gone through losses of their own, and they let me know it was okay to feel the way I was thinking. That the name "chemical" didn't mean it was no big deal, it was okay for me to grieve. I don't know how I could have done it without them.